There are many goals in life that we all want to achieve, but being the oldest guy at the bar creeping out chicks and getting laughed at by the younger guys isn’t one of them. However, this could be a goal that you unwillingly accomplish if you’re mentally stuck in your 20s. The sad fact is, after a certain age, there are just some things that are better left to your younger counterparts.
To help you avoid this pitfall, here are five Do’s and Don’ts for guys age 35 and over.
DO Pull Up Your Pants
At this age, we assume you’ve been to at least a dozen stores to shop by yourself without mommy’s help. We’re also guessing you know exactly what clothes fit and what clothes don’t, therefore giving you no excuse to wear your pants around your thighs. Wearing baggy pants is barely appropriate for teenagers let alone a man halfway into retirement.
Please believe us when we say that your deflated ass and worn out skivvies is something that no one behind you in line at the bank wants to see. Do yourself and those poor people at the bank a favor, find some real pants that really fit and break the news to your sweet cheeks that they’ve made their final public performance.
DON’T Use a Skateboard as a Means of Transportation
Unless you’re actually making money off your skateboarding skills or skating on a beach boardwalk, a grown man going places on a skateboard is just painful to look at. No matter how good a man is on a skateboard, they’re never going to look as good on it as guys under 30. There’s a limber ease that younger guys have that a man simply doesn’t because they have yet to be weighed down with a mortgage, bills and a job where your boss thinks spitting in your face while yelling at you is motivational.
Skateboarding is just a fancy way for a young guy to get around when he doesn’t have his license yet. A man over 35 on a skateboard says I got my license taken away for having too many DUIs.
DO Have a Refined Tongue
35 years is more than enough time for most guys to mature and realize that words like “bros,” “dudes,” “chiefs” or “homies” have reached their verbal expiration date and should be used sparingly, if at all. Surfer dude, gangsta rapper slang usually reserved for individuals who watch too much MTV and aren’t totally clear on who they are as a person, also better known as a teenager. A grown man knows who he is and has mastered the English language enough to communicate exactly what he wants without doing needy shit like adding “know what I’m sayin’ bro?” to every sentence.
Locker room talk, bragging about sexual conquests and addressing the ladies in a demeaning manner is also a no-no for a man in his mid-thirties. There’s a reason why James Bond never addressed any of the Bond girls as his “bitches.” It’s an immature, high school boy trait that goes to a whole new level of pathetic when it’s coming from a man who probably has food in his fridge older than most teenagers in high school.
DON’T Live Beyond Your Means
While splurging on a big ticket item or wearing brand names from time to time is fine, the days of spending every last bit of your paycheck to buy a PS3 are days that should be long gone after you turn 35. Because at that age, there’s no mistaking you’re a full grown man and a grown man knows that living like a millionaire when you’re making less than that doesn’t impress anyone that’s worthy of impressing. Your twenties were a time when you spent $200.00 on a pair of Air Jordans with a Taco Bell hourly wage and your thirties is a time when you realize how incredibly stupid that was. You’re not really learning your lesson when you lease a BMW on a Toyota salary.
We could also dedicate another paragraph to why older guys shouldn’t be a walking brand name billboard but we’ll save our breath since Jon Gosselin has already taught all of us that very important lesson.
DO Know Your Hairstyle Limits
Fauxhawks, highlights, corn rows and ponytails are all styles a man in his mid-thirties should steer clear of. Funky hairstyles are reserved for the young or the famous and sometimes, even fame can’t make a hairstyle look cool. (Two words: Steven Seagal.) One of the benefits of having dangly bits is the undeniable fact that, in our society, an older man is still seen as sexy, if not more attractive, as he matures. This fact immediately gets thrown into the garbage disposal if you’re sporting any of the aforementioned hairstyles.
Also, the automatic reaction to thinning hair by growing what hair you do have into a ponytail, thus creating what is commonly known as the skullet, is just plain offensive at any age. Embracing your receding hairline and making it work for you is a whole lot better than sporting a look that says you’re a connoisseur of pork rinds and Wal-Marts.
Written By Elaine Chaney who knows the difference between pork rinds and pork cracklings, which is really just a matter or density and fat; much like the difference between young Steven Seagal and old Steven Seagal. Read more from her at “Sanity, Interrupted” or follow her on Twitter @LadyHaHa.