Tim Tebow possesses the same naivety as another Southern football player who assumed that Florida Gators were ornery on account of all of their teeth and no toothbrush. The Tebow hate train started as a slow chugging engine and over the years has become a downhill freight. His critics and fans watched as the chosen one went in the first round of the NFL draft, and waited to both say, “I told you so!”
Well the jury has reached a verdict. Tim Tebow is not a starting caliber quarterback in the NFL. In fact, people question whether or not he’ll be able to climb out of 3rd string purgatory. And we know that the God-fearing Tebow wants to be no other place than calling plays with Saint Peter as a first stringer in QB heaven. But that ain’t happening.
So where does that leave Tebow? He certainly won’t quit; it’s not in his nature. But a contingency plan never hurt anybody. If Tim Tebow is in the market for a new career, consider us Craigslist (minus the casual connections).
Here are 10 professions Tim Tebow should consider instead of football…
10. Crossing Guard
Tim Tebow certainly has a way with kids (no Craigslist). He’d make the perfect crossing guard, utilizing that botched arm motion of his to point kids to where band practice is. He could even use that signature Heisman pose to alert speeding hybrids that Johnny the booger picker is entering the intersection.
9. Motivational Speaker
Tebow’s always been good for a sound byte. He memorably delivered this pledge after a loss to Ole Miss during the regular season. I’ve gotta believe he could travel around the country delivering similar fiery words of encouragement, although it would probably at the S.E.C. (Southern Evangelical Coalition) rather than the S.E.C. (Southeastern Conference) awards banquet.
Dan Patrick has the best sports radio show on the air. Why? Besides the velvet fog behind the big desk, his band of merry pranksters including Paulie, Seton, Fritzy and McLovin add a nice change of pace to normal chatterbox blabbering (we’re talking to you Colin Cowherd). Instead of writing a tell all book, Tebow will have a proper platform to unveil secrets from his days in Gainesville. Wouldn’t you love to know if the Gator chomp carries over to the girls’ ability to perform fellatio on campus? I know I do.
7. Seal Team 6 Member
Tim Tebow has a little Pat Tillman in him. Both are known leaders and winners, and selfless enough to step on the front line. Al Qaeda would be shitting in their caves knowing that a Heisman Trophy winner was in the country, and it had nothing to do with a U.S.O. tour. Plus, Tebow has as good of a ring to it as Rambo does.
6. Deadspin Blogger
The boys and girls club over at Deadspin is the epitome of a tough room, even claiming veteran jokesters like Sarah Silverman. Tebow would be a great fit because he’d always have a positive outlook on things. Hell, he’s the Deepak Chopra of the sports world. It’d be quite the thrill to see Timmy field some of the questions lobbed at Drew Magary for his fun bag, as the topic is always about fart or poop, and it’s rumored Tebow stayed pure in college by only exploring said orifice.
If you’re looking for an even more uncomfortable visual, Deadspin sniffed out a Tebow job opportunity that he’s already horrifyingly qualified for.
Mimbo’s are all the rage in today’s popular culture, ranging from Seinfeld references to the more contemporary HBO show, Hung. If you can’t be paid to score in the endzone, you might as well make an honest buck scoring on lonely waitresses from Fudruckers.
4. Kindergarten Teacher
Who is your daddy, and what does he do? If there’s anything Arnold Schwarzenegger taught us, it’s that lumbering jocks are more effective with toddlers than bribery candy packed with Ritalin. This may be the answer to how to get husbands to finally attend parent teacher conferences.
Tim Tebow: “Little Billy has been peeing in the plant. And he’s been sharpening his pencils using the class chinchilla, Smuckers.”
Dad: “Hey, Timmy. Remember that game winning drive against ‘Bama?”
3. Sandra Bullock’s Adopted Son
It seemed to work out so well for Michael Oher. And for those of you who are putting on your stink face and proclaiming, “that’s not a job!” ask yourself this: how much money would you have to be paid to spend time in Sandra Bullock’s company on a consistent basis? The Vegas over/under is at 500k a year. I think the original premise for Speed was, “imagine you were stuck on a public bus with Sandra Bullock…”
2. Mardi Gras Grand Marshal
Quarterbacks are inherently good at being in parades. It lends itself to their strengths, namely, smiling, throwing objects haphazardly through the air and stealing less than stealthy glances at the buxom blondes in the crowd. As his first order of business, he’ll correct all of the flashing and nudity by implementing John 3:16 pasties.
1. Brett Favre’s Personal Assistant
What would the personal assistant duties to the Wrangler clad, aging gunslinger actually entail? I suspect buying a lot of different color pairs of Crocs so that his footwear is never a dead giveaway when he sends out those naughty wiener phone pics. Sounds like a full time job to me. Tebow would serve out the rest of his days trying not to tell Favre who this girl is, despite his constant nagging.