What Do Thom Yorke’s Dance Moves Say About His Prowess In Bed?

Unless you live in a fortified bomb shelter in Montana with no access to the internet, you’ve probably seen Radiohead’s new video for “Lotus Flower,” the first single from their recently released The King of Limbs album. It’s blowing up the internet on the strength of five solid minutes of spastic dancing, a mildly uncomfortable bowler hat and not much else. Think Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” video minus the women plus an epileptic seizure and an impossible to ignore lazy eye.

If that sounds like hyperbole, don’t take our word for it, watch it for yourself…

That’s some strange shit, yeah? Well, watching it got us to thinking about something. It’s often said that you can tell a lot about what a man will be like in bed by how well he dances. So what in the hell do Thom Yorke’s (the man in the video and Radiohead’s lead singer, duh) say about what he would be like in bed?

To find out, we asked a whole bunch of funny women for their opinion on the matter. Here’s what they had to say…

First, Let’s Meet the Panel

Pictured L – R: None of the women in this article

In order of appearance…

• Phoebe Robinson is a stand-up comic and writer who hosts the weekly Case of the Mondays show at Manchester Pub in NYC. This fall, she will be a part of the NBC Stand Up for Diversity College Tour. Find more from Phoebe at her Facebook page.
• Shelby Fero is a freelance writer and Twitter superstar. See for yourself at her Twitter page.
• Kathy Benjamin is a freelance writer and regular contributor at Cracked.com. See more of her writing by clicking here.
• Jessimae Peluso is a stand-up comic who has been seen on NBC’s “Last Comic Standing” and “Minute to Win It,” Tru TV’s “All Worked Up” and has been featured in several commercials, including an international campaign for Nintendo. Check her out on Twitter and Facebook.
• Kristi Harrison is an editor at Cracked.com and frequent TSJ contributor. Click here to see her work at TSJ and here to check her out at Cracked.
• Molly McAleer is an internet sensation and frequent TSJ contributor who you should follow on Twitter, right after you read her TSJ work by clicking here.
• Elaine Chaney is a freelance writer who will make you laugh at crazylainetrain.blogspot.com.
• Amy Carlson is a comedian from New Rochelle, New York who performs all over the northeast. She has been featured on Sirius XM radio Howard 101 and was named a Cringe Humor Comic to Watch in January 2011. Find out more about Amy at her official website.
• Tracy Pendergast is a model, actress, musician, writer, TV personality and expert marksman. And we’re only lying about one of those things! Guess which one and then head to her official website to see if you’re correct.
• Diana Cook is a freelance writer and editor. See more of her work at Designcrave.com and TheStylelogue.com

Before We Get to the Good Stuff, What’s Your Take On the Dancing?

Phoebe Robinson: I don’t see what all the fuss is about. A minute into the video, he puts his hands in his pockets and all of sudden he’s moving his hips like he’s Ricky Martin, the Menudo years. What’s wrong with that? Do people want Thom to dance like he’s in a Bob Fosse musical? All those people dance like cat burglars who get distracted by the sounds of a New York city street. Seriously, a trash can is knocked over & those fools start 5, 6, 7, 8-ing when they need to be robbing Old Lady Winston’s pearls.

Shelby Fero: These are the kind of dance moves that scream “Hey, you. Yes, you! Have you lost weight? No? Well that haircut really brings out your eyes. Your coworker, Leslie, said the bangs make you look stupid, but she’s just jealous – and your boss definitely doesn’t appreciate all the little things you do around the office. Yes, of course I’d love to hear about the cute way your cats sneeze, but first let me rock your world.”

Phobe Robinson: All I’m saying is that with the men I’ve dated, dancing like a 12-year-old Puerto Rican boy who knows the rent is due on the 15th ain’t so bad.

Shelby Fero: You know the guy you’d let take you home then actually tell your friends about the next day? Thom Yorke’s dancing has singlehandedly rounded up all those men and shot them in their collective faces.

Kathy Benjamin: Check out the sweet hip moves! Give him a veil and some bells and he’d be a goddamn belly dancer.

Jessimae Peluso: This looks less like a music video and more like something he taped at home for his own personal DVD collection titled “Mating Rituals 101.” He doesn’t stop for a water break or anything, he’s like the Rocky of dance videos.

Any Thoughts on the Events Leading Up to the Hookup?

Kristi Harrison: I have no thoughts on the hookup or the sex at all. Here’s why.

You know how when you’re a toddler, and you’ve learned neither gross motor coordination or the shame of public humiliation, and music comes on and you start flinging your limbs like a grotesque puppet on the strings of a cruel and epileptic puppet master? This is like that. And I don’t speculate about what spazzy puppets do in bed.

This isn’t a call to mate. This is the alcoholic homeless person screaming to a utility pole about purple crayons and census workers who are aliens in disguise. You want to help, but you feel both overwhelmed by their insanity and ashamed that all you really want to do is go across the street, get some Starbucks and sit with a view that faces the wall. Not. Sexy.

Molly McAleer: He seems like the kind of guy you’d meet at a hipster dive bar twenty minutes before last call. His more attractive friend is too drunk to talk to, so you’re stuck chatting him up. As he manically reviews Blue Valentine, telling you that it’s not a realistic tale of modern love, but a statement about the negative affect film and television has had on the masses, you wonder to yourself, “Am I really going to go home with this blowhard?” But you know you will. It’s Saturday, you’re horny and he’s the last man standing.

His apartment would probably reek of weed, vitamins and body odor and when you make your way to his messy bedroom you’d discover that he sleeps on a futon mattress that rests in a broken frame. When you ask why he feeds you some story about how taking away a comfortable night’s sleep teaches him to be strong. What a pretentious asshole.

What Do You Imagine Sex With Thom Yorke Would Be Like?

Elaine Chaney: ​Foreplay would definitely be out of the question; his bony little fingers and arms jack hammering into my poor unsuspecting clam like a plumber unclogging a drain? He’d shred my uterus into confetti and puncture a lung.

Amy Carlson: ​He’s probably exactly the same in the bedroom as he is in this video. Too much showmanship and not enough talent. He would probably start off with lighting candles and dancing around the room exactly as he does here while you lay there freezing your ass off and wondering when he’s going to get to the point. This is the kind of guy who thinks it’s sexy to get between your legs and pray to your pussy in Aramaic for a half hour, followed by passionate licking of every part of your body except the parts that actually feel good when they’re licked. He believes going right for the clit is too mainstream and predictable.

Tracy Pendergast: There’s this really unfair rule about awkward, super skinny men. They almost always have a HUGE penis. I am telling you, it’s absolutely true.

Kathy Benjamin: ​​I notice he has a large section of his belt flapping around without a care in the world. This leads me to believe he is used to having something long and thick flapping around his nether regions. I think this bodes well for the size issue.

Tracy Pendergast: ​He clearly has stamina like a motherfucker. That can be a pro or con depending on what kind of woman you are. For me, I enjoy a sexual experience that isn’t short, but is certainly to the point. I don’t need to add 30 minutes of sensual interpretive dance to the equation-that’s not my thing. However, if you’re the kind of woman that enjoys a long drawn out sexual experience, he’s your man-but beware-I am telling you, his penis is HUGE!!! If you’re having a sleep over with him, pack some pain killers and ciprofloxacin.

Jessimae Peluso: This guy has more moves than Michael Jackson. He’s probably like a magician in the bedroom. Just when ya think he’s out of tricks he busts out another jittery hip thrust and a shoulder shimmy that could satisfy any hooker in Reno. And who says white boys can’t dance? I would give it up because he’s dancing like he doesn’t give a shit. I bet that’s how he is in bed and that’s what women like. He’s like a care free lemur with bad teeth and a lazy eye and dances like Pee Wee Herman on meth.

Elaine Chaney: ​I suspect a lot of hat tipping, belt loop hitching and jumping jacks would be involved. If your bedroom is on the second floor you’d probably have to strap a toddler leash on the wiry fucker so you can yank him back in when he starts to pop and lock out the window.

Phoebe Robinson: ​Even though Thom dances off beat, he claps on rhythm, so he knows what he’s doing in bed. And to say that he doesn’t is like when I tell people I played the triangle in school and they say, “that’s not an instrument.” Okay, but can you imagine “Hot Cross Buns” without a little tang-a-lang from the triangle?

Kathy Benjamin: ​I’m a little worried about the clapping. I noticed he only does it at the beginning and end of the song. Is that like something he needs to do to get himself pumped up? Is it how he’ll congratulate himself when
we’re done? Will I be expected to join in? “Ooo,” “ahh,” ejaculation, fucking slow clap?

Elaine Chaney: Speaking of that, ​I don’t think we should be concerned about the sex act so much as we should be concerned about what happens when he finally ejaculates. After flailing around on top of you like a dying tuna, he’d probably give you an Atomic Bukkake; the kind of bukkake that saturates your soul and you find remnants inside your
nose days after the event. That’s pimp. We shouldn’t hate the epileptic player, we should hate the time we would have to spend steam cleaning the carpets the next day.

Final Verdict…Would You Hit It?

Elaine Chaney: ​Personally, I wouldn’t mind having sex with a guy that moves like Thom Yorke. He’d probably be humping your night stand and convulsing on your headboard half the time. You could have a sandwich or finish up your book while you wait your turn. ​Despite the very real danger of Thom giving my vagina a Charlie horse, I would still hit it.

Amy Carlson: ​He’d probably talk in whispers through the whole thing saying things like, “You are my Aphrodite let me be your Dionysus” along with other more obscure sexual references that require too much thinking when you’re trying to fuck. Foreplay would go on for two hours and actual fucking would last about two minutes if you’re lucky, but if you find yourself fucking this guy you are most definitely not. I’ll pass.

Diana Cook: On the sex-o-meter I give him a solid five out of ten. His emo-esque attempt at the ​​boogaloo leaves me somehow not horny. He certainly nails the jerking effect of someone riddled with drug induced ticks, but his far from smooth transitions lead me to believe he’d be equally awkward in the sack. On the plus side, he’s not afraid to show his goofy side – oh wait, not sure if that should fall on the plus side when it comes to sex. I’ll politely decline.

Tracy Pendergast: My biggest fear about having sex with this man is his emotional instability. I’m afraid he might shed a tear while receiving “Radio-Head” or have me pet him like a wounded bird and hold him after sex. I really do enjoy the video and find his dancing interesting and beautiful- I just feel more comfortable with a man that fist pumps.

So the verdict is…although, it pains me to say so…I would have to take a pass on this uber rich, huge penis.

Jessimae Peluso: ​I don’t know if it’s his hobo attire, crooked ass teeth or that lazy eye but this video makes me want to give Thom Yorke a one way ticket to my Vagina Monologue. Regardless of the aggressively offbeat white boy dance moves, I’d still give him a ticket to ride based purely on the fact that ​when this song plays I feel like I’m tripping on acid and watching a rejected audition tape for America’s Best Dance Crew. In fact I don’t even think he’s dancing. I think this is some sort of European mating ritual. What you can’t see in the video are thousands of women lined up with their panties off waiting for the Thom Yorke special. And I’m first in line.