The Dirtiest Children’s Story Ever Told

By Charlie Jones


“Mommy, Daddy… where do babies come from?” Parents everywhere fear the dreaded baby question because it essentially means the end of their children’s innocence. To properly explain how human beings are born you have to get into the idea of genitals and sex and pregnancy and adulthood and, damn it man, these are just kids. They don’t need to know about all of this stuff yet – they’ll have plenty of time to be confused and miserable when they are teenagers.

“And please be as specific as you can.”

That is why, when THE question does get asked, many parents fall back on the age old tactic of telling their kids the story of a stork that just magically delivers a baby whenever a couple loves each other and prays hard enough or something.

Wait, I’m confused. Who exactly has sex with the stork?

Wait, I’m confused. Who exactly has sex with the stork?

The silly myth of the baby-bringing stork has been used for God knows how long to explain the miracle of life because, well, kids are sort of stupid, and will generally buy any crap you sell them so you might as well have some fun while messing with their heads. Because when you get down to it, the story of the stork is just so hilariously preposterous it must have originated as a joke, right?

Actually, the stork myth has been around for thousands of years and is the direct result of wild, sweaty, pagan orgies.

Ah, yes, of course... Makes perfect sense.

Ah, yes, of course… Makes perfect sense.

Myths—that is, stories we use to explain the world around us—aren’t just pulled out of the collective asshole of humanity, no matter how full of shit they might seem. Many actually originate from the observance of Nature and Man’s desire to explain that which is mysterious to him like, say, childbirth.

Storks migrate from Europe to Africa for the Fall, and return around March and April. This just so happens to coincide with more or less 9 months after the pagan Midsummer’s Day celebration which took place in June and was usually celebrated with heavy drinking and sticking your erection into anything that was too tired or drunk to care. Can you see where this is going?

I mosht shertainly do…

I mosht shertainly do…

Around June each year, like inebriated, naked clockwork, our ancestors would get drunk, boink each other’s brains out and 9 months later babies would start showing up just as the storks began returning from Africa. That was really all our ancestors needed to make a definite connection between the arrival of those weird-looking long-legged flying things and tiny humans shooting out of vaginas everywhere.

Thus resulting in the most horrific form of contraception in history.

Thus resulting in the most horrific form of contraception in history.

This was additionally aided by the fact that storks build their nests atop human houses and form monogamous pairs that diligently take care of their offspring. Though the myth went through countless retellings and revisions it ultimately hails back to the time when your great-…-grandmother drunk herself silly on ancient beer and let your great-…-granddad have a peak under her loincloth while, like, 10 other guys watched and waited their turn.

The origin of the stork myth might have been mostly lost to history but you have to remember that despite reality television’s best efforts kids are actually getting smarter each year AND have access to the internet. So you might want to consider just being honest with them when they express some interest in the miracle of life. Or… you could always just ground them and take away their X-Box. Either way’s fine.


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