The Six Sexiest Mascots from Madison Avenue

starbucksIn case you didn’t notice (and you probably didn’t), Starbucks once again subtly changed its logo from a topless mermaid with long hair to a topless mermaid with long hair. And, this is just a guess, I bet the coffee isn’t the only thing under all that hair that’s perky.

Products are constantly reinventing themselves by introducing or reintroducing their “mascots” to us, the fat and horny consumers. But, after a long day of working the shelves doing the hard sell, who are Cap’n Crunch, Chester “Cheeto” Cheetah and The Michelin man supposed to have sex with? Each other? That would just be wrong.

Here are the most desirable and legal (sorry Little Debbie) women of Madison Avenue, aka MAD WOMEN.

The St. Pauli Girl

st pauli girlThis “girl” is all woman. And, the fact that she can hold a full sixer at once may make her the perfect woman. There are not too many beers you can drink and then jerk off to the bottle afterwards (no offense Sam Adams). The St. Pauli Girl, like a fine sports car, was made in Germany. Also, like a fine sports car, she’s a bit pricier than her American competition, but also has that European attitude towards sex…she likes to have it.

From her flowing blond locks to her full-bodied breasts, this beer maid serves as a constant reminder of what type of woman we are trying to take home from the bars. Unfortunately, after enough of these even a St. Bernard can look like the St. Pauli Girl.

The Chiquita Banana Lady

bananaCheck out the “stems” on this one. What started out as a creepy “BANANA-WOMAN,” morphed into a “Woman-Woman.” And my banana likes the change. She’s got curves, she’s got Latin flair, she’s got snacks…what more could you want? When she’s not dancing, singing or pushing potassium down our throats, I would imagine this spicy senorita is worshiping all banana shaped body parts in search of a valid green card.

The Green M&M

mmShe may be candy coated, but she’d prefer to be coated with something else. From her “fuck-me boots” to her Marilyn Monroe freckle (it’s probably just a chocolate chip) to her “come hither” voice, this chocolate-filled chick is as horny as she is delicious. She may not have a nut inside of her, but it seems like that’s her plan every time she bats her flirty eyelashes. She has truly become a candy sex symbol, but if she is only supposed to melt in your mouth, then how come the red M&M always has gooey fingers?

The Chicken of the Sea Mermaid

tunaIt must be hard for a corporate sex symbol to constantly be in the same sentence with tuna fish, but somehow this mermaid has overcome. On the plus side, she’s got a great swimmers body, nice tan and would probably have sex with Tom Hanks. Calling Tuna “Chicken of the Sea” was a PR move to help sell stupid people cans of fish (mixed with the occasional dolphin). But, if tuna is the chicken of the sea, then this mermaid is the St. Pauli Girl of the Sea. Confused? Me too.

Land O’ Lakes Butter Lady

lakesThis is one of the few “butter ladies” with a good body AND face…and apparently tits for knees. Based on her sweet physique, she spends much more time rain dancing than eating the product she endorses. Miss O’ Lakes has skin as golden as maize and, in addition to being sexy, she can probably legally open up a casino in her yard. Jackpot!

Sun-Maid Raisin Maid

raisinHow is it that the world’s worst Halloween “treat” can come from such a treat? This Raisin-picker (which sounds like a nickname for guys who only have sex with old ladies) is as hot as the sun that she gives all the credit to. Her look was recently updated, and it turns out that she’s not “smuggling raisins under her sweater” after all. Either that, or her boobs were doctor made. But, who cares, because this maid has it made in the shade…er… sun.

Congrats to the sexy ladies of Madison Ave. While we wait for Wendy (the redhead, not the Snapple lady) and the Coopertone girl to turn 18, you have proven that even if the product you push is as unsexy as tuna fish and raisins, you more than make up for it. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some alone time planned for me and my St. Pauli Girl.

Secondhand Smoke is a weekly column by Playboy Radio Morning Show host Kevin M. Klein. Follow Kevin on Twitter@TheKevinKlein.