Boners, like muffins, the DeLorean and Christina Hendricks, are one of God’s gift to man. But unlike those other things, boners aren’t easy to quantify. They don’t change, or evolve over time, so we can’t visually document their progress as baby-makers and ass-grazers throughout history. A man eventually goes through so many, that it becomes easy to forget the ones that truly mattered. Here are the six landmark boners every man will experience in his lifetime.
6 First Boner You Did Something About (aka First Boner)
(Conversation you probably had with your conscience the moment you realized that thing you only previously peed with is now angry about something)
You: Brain, we have a problem.
Brain: We sure do, Tonto. My days as your chief decision-organ are numbered.
You: What do I do about it? What does it want? Is it staring at me? Is this like in The Sixth Sense, except my wiener is Mischa Barton and I have to help it solve a murder?
Brain: Not likely, and there’s nothing you can do. It’s become self-aware. It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, remorse or fear.
You: I’m going to look like an idiot with this thing poking out. My He-Man dolls are appallingly misleading. Maybe if I just tape it—
You: Or how about if I dab some of mom’s wood glue—
You: What if I gently coax it back into hibernation?
Brain: That might work.
You: OK. So…how do I do that?
Brain: Punch and pie.
Brain: I’m out of here…
5 First Public Place Boner
Unless you suffered from the worst debilitating illness known to man, this probably happened to you right around junior high. Quite a lot of things happened to you in junior high. Strange, wonderful, terrible things. Facial hair, for instance. That’s your hormones telling you one day you might be man enough to sit at Daniel Plainview’s table. And that voice? It’s nice not sounding like a hamster anymore, right? But boy, oh boy, did you not see this next upgrade coming. In fact, you probably didn’t see it coming until you noticed everybody else seeing it going.
School is a place with a lot of open forums—a lot of rooms and spaces with no protection from all the beady, hormonal eyes, so we’ll just go with the most obvious and terrifying scenario: the blackboard problem. You got a little sumpin’ sumpin’ going on safely underneath your desk, minding your own business. The teacher’s doing his teaching thing on the blackboard. But what’s this?! Teacher needs a volunteer. A volunteer to stand in front of the blackboard…in front of everybody. He looks around the room for volunteers. Nobody’s buying, so he picks somebody. He picks you. What? Me!?
There aren’t many things you can say to dissuade him, and even less you can say to make the flesh rocket in your pants go flaccid. Your first public place boner is arbitrary, and relentless. Walking the halls, or doing anything upright is a buffer zone where you learn quickly how to look casual using The Scarlet Letter as a wood-protector shield. But in the classroom, there is no escape. Your only hope is to fashion it between your waist and the band of your pants and hope it collapses in on itself before anyone notices, or hope your teacher catches it when you stand up, and heroically asks you to sit back down.
4 First Boner Somebody Else Did Something About
A true rite of passage, dare we say the definitive leap into manhood—the first time a girl (or dude, if that’s your thing) touches your schlong. In this instance, your wanker goes from being the T-800 series Terminator to the T-1000. From being slow, and robotic, to mimetic poly-alloy. But all Terminator metaphors aside, this situation goes over about as well as pooping in a public restroom with somebody directly in the next stall. It’s awkward for both of you. You both hesitate to get into it, and neither one of you wants to admit when you’re done. And when it’s all over with, you don’t want to see that person for at least a day, if ever.
3 First Dream Boner
People sometimes refer to this phenomenon as a “wet dream,” which is a misnomer. The phrase “wet dream” initially makes it sound like nothing could possibly go wrong when you’re sleeping and subconsciously aroused by the orgy of naked Russian tennis players gyrating around in your id. Dream boners can be soothing and spectacular. For real, Russian tennis players, right?
But be warned—your dreams are like the Ark of the Covenant in Raiders of the Lost Ark. They’re potentially awesome, but also unpredictable. They can go very wrong, very quick.
How wrong? Well, remember when all the Nazis start gasping at the beautiful spirits when they do open the Ark, but then recoil in horror when they all morph into demonic creatures? Dreams involving boners can have the same effect—you could be having a good time with the naked Russian tennis players, and then—BAM!—they all turn into Mr. Garrisons. But instead of having your face melt off, you have to endure the horror with naught but a raging boner, and wake up the next morning desperate to put your penis in something, anything with a vagina and conscientiously sex the gay out of your system.
2 First X Factor Boner
Boner maintenance is sometimes like keeping a pet chimpanzee. It all starts off so wondrously, feeding them, cleaning them and teaching them right from wrong. After a while, you think you have them trained to a point of relative obedience.
But then, they start to rebel. They figure out they don’t need you and start acting up. With chimpanzees, this means breaking stuff, throwing poop and going crazy at random strangers. When boners get to this rebel-without-a-cause phase, they don’t break stuff, or throw feces, but they do end up going crazy at random strangers, and—even worse—random things, or X factors.
Whereas once you could rely on your boner to be summoned by titties and ass, you now find out that’s just not cutting it for him, anymore, and he’s out to make you pay.
So you try to compromise, for example, by scouring the Internet for fetish porn. But after a while, watching three midgets give an Elvis impersonator a Cincinnati bowtie loses its romantic appeal. X factor boners happen in places you neither expect, nor want. Grandma’s house. The DMV. Toys”R”Us. It’s like being a kid again, except, you know, horrifying. Horrifying because it makes you wonder if you grew up to become a plushophiliac. That means a guy who gets aroused by stuffed animals. Look it up. We did, and if we had to do it, we’re taking everybody down with us.
1 First Viagra Boner
When you’re an old coot, you deride the wonders of technology and synthesized enhancement as a sad, perverted separation of man from his most manly sense of self. “Would Magnum P.I. have ever needed a pill to bone an attractive case witness?” you rhetorically ask yourself, or any grandkids that may be within earshot. That is, until you can’t get it up, in which case, bring on the boner pills! This Viagra boner is a lot like the previously mentioned Dream Boner, except this time you don’t care. Because you’re old. Because attaining a boner has now become a luxury, courtesy of the miracle of science.
Who you use this synthetic flesh rocket to destroy is really a matter of personal circumstance. Perhaps you’re recently divorced, or widowed, and are just being courteous to the stripper you ordered who’s going to be here any minute. Perhaps your marriage counselor suggested a polite, civil round of humping would save your marriage, and the onus is on you to man up, lest you lose half of your stuff in the prospective divorce. Or maybe you’re just a tad more honest in your deathbed wishes than everybody else is.
Whatever the case, enjoy that boner, old man. It’s the last landmark boner you’ll ever have.