The Olympics vs. Ryan Dempster


Is it possible to have a man crush on a sort of metaphysical idea such as the Olympics? Sure!

I honestly can’t explain why I love there Olympics. There’s very little reason to. I mean, I know pretty much none of the athletes, don’t really care about most of the events on their own, and really don’t even like Michael Phelps that much.

Yet that’s sort of the beauty about it. You don’t have to know the OPS of the athletes to know which is fastest. Everyone can enjoy it. And there’s something about the whole world competing in one giant event that makes it so interesting. These people have trained their whole lives for really a couple of seconds and then go back to real life and working at Home Depot. It’s fascinating. Other than the doping and questionably aged-Chinese gymnasts, it is pure athletic ability proving once and for all which country is the best. (USA! USA! USA!) Plus I’ll probably develop a crush on a female athlete only to discover she’s 14. Fun all around.

I’m equally excited for the Olympics being held in London. What kind of wacky British stuff do you think they’ll pull out for the games? Do you think they’ll have guys on horses bring medals to the winners? Do they run in the same direction over there? Will the pools be filled with Earl Grey tea? I can’t wait to find out.

Plus I discovered there’s a Wikipedia page for the USA chat. The Olympics are the best.


Let’s pretend you are a terrible baseball team who is desperately trying to win their first championship since 1908 and are minimally five years from realistically competing for another one. And then let’s suppose you play for this team and, as miracle would have it, they have a deal in place to trade you to a team that would currently make the postseason. Lucky day!

So the first thing you do is freak out on Twitter. And then you won’t let them trade you to the team. You are Ryan Dempster!

People in Chicago love Ryan Dempster. He’s known for being a fun guy who is actually a good pitcher and does Harry Carey impressions. But despite the opportunity to be moved to a team that not only is very good while helping a team you’ve spent a big chunk of your career with rebuild, you decide you only want to play for the Los Angeles Dodgers.

Bro. LA sucks. You have to drive everywhere and it takes like forever. And all the fans show up late and leave early because of traffic. And a girl who broke my heart lives there. It’s the worst. Atlanta has a lot of great things, like that big torch they lit for the Olympics (USA! USA! USA!).

Nothing in sports bothers me more than when athletes put themselves in front of everything else. Right now Dempster would rather lose than play for a good team to the benefit of no one. Acting like a primma donna to get to LA is just a big douche move. Actually, he might be a perfect fit there.

To make it worse, after his possible last start for the Cubs, he was real mean to the water cooler. That’s private property, bro!


Follow Scott Bolohan on Twitter: @scottbolohan

Related on The Smoking Jacket:
Mike Trout vs. James Dolan
Man Crush vs. Douchebag: Kansas City Fans vs. Roddy White
Man Crush vs. Douchebag: Caleb Lloyd vs. Dwight Howard