The Michelangelo Code

Not too long ago, the medical and artistic communities had a field day discussing what they believed to be a brain and various nerves painted into Michelganlo’s The Separation of Light from Darkness on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.

A secret message, or a PSA?

Now if you’re expecting us to dismiss this as horseshit, you’re reading this for the wrong reason. This revelation is a monumental discovery about one of the most famous works of art in history, and we applaud every single person involved in its research. I mean, think about it: The Sistine Chapel’s ceiling doubles an atlas of the human body? How cool is that! After all, it should not be too surprising considering how many naked people are painted on it.

Sure enough, the ceiling makes a perfect centerfold.

The only problem we have with this discovery is its unbelievably piss-poor timing. Historians had 500 years to figure all this out, so why, why, why did this have to wait until after The Da Vinci Code was published? Thanks to Dan Brown, just about every news network has to mention something about Robert Langdon and his made-up field in their report on this. Jesus Christ… Not only did Leonardo have nothing to do with the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, but it gives Dan Brown too much credit. The Da Vinci Code didn’t aid in this discovery, which was done by real doctors and historians using real research. If anything, the case can and has been made that The Da Vinci Code has actually made the planet dumber. One historian calls it “Dan Brown syndrome,” but we call it pulling artistic commentary straight out of your ass.

After all, do you have any idea how stupid such this discovery about the Sistine Chapel would sound if Dan Brown wrote it into one of his books?

The Da Vinci Code II: In-A-Gadda-Da-Vinci

It doesn’t take much imagination to picture Robert Langdon being shown a PowerPoint of the ceiling that some one-dimensional character he knows just happened to have on him. Rather than talk about the dissections Michelangelo performed in order to better understand the human brains, which is not only real but awesome, we’d be subject to a bunch of bullshit about how Michelangelo was part of a secret society that liked having lots of sex. Right after everybody says “My God!” a few dozen times, Dr. Langdon draws our attention to how the brain in God’s throat also looks suspiciously like an uncircumcised penis…

“My God!” said Dr. Puttanesca

And how the penis is just one of three penises that clearly points to a medallion of a man in a wagon on the left…

Who is clearly pointing with his thumb…

…Straight at God’s ass in the next panel.

In short, Michelangelo’s secret message is supposed to be from God to Pope Julius II, and it is supposed to go something along the lines of: “Hey, Pope Julius II!  I got an idea…”

“…how about you take that cock out of your mouth…”

“…and stick your thumb up your butt.”

Oh, and just to drive the point home as offensively as possible, Michelangelo also covered the entire wall behind the Pope with penises. Including a BIG one.

Rumor has it Michelangelo also designed the poster for Disney’s The Little Mermaid.

So yeah… count your lucky stars that Dan Brown hasn’t written a book on this yet. However, if he does, just remember that you heard the story here first before he stole it.

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Jacopo della Quercia is now on Twitter. Follow him

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