Hello all you losers out there! Yes. YOU! LOU-SIR! It’s the holidays again and if you’re a loser than I know you’re saying things like “FUCK!”, “UGH!” Put away your fucks and ughs. I know how you losers feel because I too was once in your pathetic Payless-bought shoes. You’re spending the holidays alone… again. Looks like you’ll be cooking for one. Or two, depending if you have a cat.
All that whimsical music. The gift giving. That god-awful joyous spirit. The holidays symbolize the end of the world and there’s not enough NyQuil that will allow you loser to hibernate through it.
Lucky for you it’s your lucky day!
My Loner’s Guide to Kicking the Holidays in the Pants will help YOU LIVE! My guide encourages the loser. The more insufferable you are, the better this guide will work for you! It should be because this program retails at $39.99 but is absolutely FREE for you, loner.
Before beginning my three-step program, you will need about 5-10K saved up. Since you don’t have any gifts to buy for anyone and you certainly have no social life, this isn’t a problem and well worth the investment. Sell off items if you need to or steal from a dying relative. You will also need to “unplug” and avoid Facebook, Twitter and delete any problem contacts in your phone. Heck! Throw out your phone!
Now let’s begin…
STEP 1: WEEKDAY WARRIOR SURVIVOR
The hardest time during the holidays is that Monday-Friday work week. Christmas fucking spirit will be all around you. People partaking in Secret Santa shit, baking fucking goods that suck and donning terrible sweaters everyone thinks are fucking HI-LARIOUS! We’re going to get you through that work week with hardcore fun that will kill any pain, sorrow and, most importantly, brain cells.
1. Your Merry Non-Suicidal Flavored Breakfast:
Never eat breakfast at home and always start with bacon. Your kitchen in the morning is a sad place. You wake up alone. You pour yourself shit cereal or your eggs just don’t matchup to restaurant quality. Every morning in December, turn the most important meal of the deal from depressing to enjoyable by going out and ordering bacon.
2. Holiday Morning Buzz:
Irish coffee. Make sure to have two strong cups of the stuff to start your day. The morning will be a blur. Lunch will be right around the corner. And an afternoon power nap will soon follow. Bacon and Irish coffee will get your work day started off hot.
3. Health — B12 Shot:
I can’t stress this enough. Three times a week, this shot will help your depleting booze filled immune system from shutting down.
4. Your New Holiday Home:
The happy hour bar. The bar is your new residence for a month. After 10 drinks you won’t even remember how big of a loner you are. You will be among people and you will forget all about your cat.
5. Your Second Home — The Strip Club:
Holy shit! You have a second home during the holidays! Three lap dances minimum, head home, beat off and hit the sack.
Repeat every work day EXACTLY as stated.
STEP 2: GET THE FUCK OUT AND DODGE
1. Your Weekend Home:
Get out of your pathetic space. Each weekend for three days and two nights, you are going to book a hotel. Make sure the hotel location is drivable. The hotel must have a: Pool, bar, and room service. Please… no Motel 6 or Super 8. Those type of hotels have claimed many losers lives during the holidays. Rest in peace, Preston Seton.
2. Your Gift:
Buy a high class escort to come on the trip with you. Make sure you can pay with an AmEx. Usually that means the quality and customer care is of better service. She will feel like your companion, your mate… your girlfriend. Believe in the lie.
3. Holiday Activity:
After all those visits to strip clubs, you’re going to be horny as fuck. Fuck everywhere and anywhere you can. We’ve teased you all week and you’re ready to explode over and over.
4. Holiday Meals:
During the weekend, you are strictly on a steak only diet. Breakfast: steak and eggs. Lunch: Steak sandwich: Dinner: Ribeye. This will keep you feeling more of a man which you clearly are not.
5. Liquid Health:
Margaritas all day. Tequila and margarita mix says how little you care about the Christmas spirit. While people are drinking holiday rum nog, you’re sipping on a margarita while banging a high class escort sporting a sombrero. At night, vodka. Stay away from whiskey. You don’t want to turn into Ike Turner. Stay positive and keep having sex.
6. Santa Songs — Karaoke:
Nothing is more relaxing and stress free than booze filled songs. Sing whatever you want, sad songs whatever; this is your time to shine lonely loser. No one will judge you. Your “girlfriend” is being paid to pretend she loves you.
STEP 3: RECOVERY SUNDAY
Your body will feel like death come Sunday. Why kill yourself nursing your wounds when we can get you rejuvenated and ready to go at it Monday. Recovery Sunday is actually a really enjoyable, woozy, floaty day.
FIRST STOP: THE EMERGENCY ROOM
Yes. This will cost you probably around $400 bucks, but trust me, this is your first step to feeling fucking fantastic. Upon waking, make a trip to the emergency room where they will fill your body with every vital fluids, electrolytes and the IV bag your broken body needs. I’m telling you, once you complete this step, Recovery Sunday gets a whole lot more relaxing.
HOLIDAY DRINK AND EAT:
All you will have on Recovery Sunday is smoothies. Five of them. Detox all that steak and booze with nothing but vital nutrition and vitamins that nature’s candy provides.
Spa treatment with a happy ending is in order in this step. If followed Step 2 correctly, you will be worn out from a large quantity of vigurous sex. What you really need is to relax.
TAKE THE EDGE OFF:
Valium. Any anxiety and withdrawal left over in the day will be gone with this simple little miracle pill.
Eight o’clock. Sharp. Hit the sack early so you can get up and go at it come Monday. The valium will help and will most likely induce unicorn dreams.
THERE YOU HAVE IT, LOSER! Follow these steps. Do it all over again. Change escort partners. I promise YOU that if YOU follow THIS guide, you won’t even remember the sadness, or HECK even the entire month of December!