Although I’m not a huge fan of redheads or Cuban Big Band music, I find myself occasionally watching re-runs of I Love Lucy (usually at some hour when only owls high on meth would be awake). Sure, I like the irony of watching an old, grainy, black-and-white show on my state of the art HD, 3-D, Double-D TV, but I also think that Lucy and Ricky were really on to something: Separate beds.
I’ve shared beds, couches, futons, air-mattresses, sleeping bags, shag carpeting and even Volvo backseats with many different women over the years, and as much as I enjoy being in close proximity for impromptu sex, the lazy guy in me likes the idea of having my own sleeping space.
Like most guys, I can fall asleep anywhere: Movie theaters, concerts, parades, shooting ranges. But for some strange reason, when it comes to sleeping (not sleeping) with a girl, I wish I still had my bunk beds. Before you judge me, let me explain. For me to sleep, as is the case with my father, his father, and every branch up our lazy family tree, we require nothing. Although a pillow or a blanket or a bed would be nice, it is by no means a prerequisite.
Women, on the other hand, have pre-sleep rituals that boggle a guy’s brain, including (but not limited to) lotions, potions, blindfolds, special underwear, scented pillows, extra blankets, lucky t-shirts, socks(?), stuffed animals, earplugs and more.
Every woman whom I have shared a bed with has brought along her own unique sleep routine. Some need to be rocked gently to sleep, while others think my bed is the set of The View and want to talk and talk…and talk. One girl I dated would get mad at me if I fell asleep before her (it only happened every night), while another would wake me up every time she had a dream so that she could tell me all about it (I hope that unicorn still visits you, Jessica). I’ve encountered kickers, snorers, flailers, tossers, turners, talkers, screamers, and some who just undress while they sleep, which seems cool until you wake up with a thong cutting off the circulation to your big toe.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to bring us back to the 1950s, but every once in a while when I check into a hotel that only has rooms with side by side queen beds, let’s just say I’m not complaining. Will this end morning sex as we know it? I sure hope not, as the morning is one of my seven favorite times of the day to do the deed. What it will do, however, is let us guys get our sleep, so we can be well rested for more important things like drinking, golf, trips to Vegas, fantasy football drafts and keeping our ladies happy…unless, of course, that includes giving up 97.3 percent of the comforter. Sweet dreams!
Secondhand Smoke is a weekly column by Playboy Radio Morning Show host Kevin M. Klein. Follow Kevin on Twitter.