We’ve come to the halfway point of November. Are you rocking a suave handlebar mustache in the name of cancer awareness? Do you have any idea what we’re talking about?
We’re talking about Movember, fool. For the past several years, various men’s media outlets have taken on the challenge of spending the month of November cultivating and sculpting mustaches of varying degrees of luxuriousness all in the name of raising awareness and research cash for cancers that affect men.
This year, the fine folks at Asylum.com, in conjunction with the American Mustache Institute, have decided to get the ladies (and presumably even more dudes) involved in the Movember goodness by declaring this Thursday, November 18th “Have Sex With a Guy With a Mustache Day.” You can click that link or check out the above video for more info on how to donate to the cause, be it with your pocket book or your naughty parts.
To help get you started on your sex-for-cancer-research adventure, we’ve put together this handy list of five (or up to seven!) people you should totally do it with this coming Thursday. Like the video says, “you’re not a whore if it’s for charity.”
The last time we brought up Jason Lee in an article, we didn’t do it in a very flattering way to say the least. Honestly, we feel kind of heavy about that. Help us make it up to him by throwing Lee and his highlight reel-worthy facial hair a courtesy bang if you happen to see him this Thursday. We may make light of his “religious” beliefs, but at the end of the day, Jason Lee is a funny guy and more than deserving of your very best bedroom effort. All for a good cause, no less!
With the notable exception of Halloween, no pseudo-holiday provides such a judgment free path to slutty exploits quite like “Have Sex With a Guy With a Mustache Day.” Why not make the most of it and try something different? If you were on vacation in some exotic locale, you wouldn’t eat dinner at McDonald’s would you? So why spend this Thursday making the sex with some run of the mill loser when you could spend it getting blown to smithereens by Ron Jeremy’s formidable schlong?
If nothing else, you’ll come away from the experience with a great story to tell. Will people judge you differently when they hear that you let Ron Jeremy hit it? Of course they will…until they hear you did it for charity. Way to put that vag to good use!
Our Friend Doug
If you’re more of a Jane Sixpack type who eschews Hollywood actors and porn stars in favor of more regular guys, how about redeeming your “Have Sex With a Guy With a Mustache Day” coupons at our friend Doug’s place? He hates cancer, loves the ladies and has a mustache built for action, as you can clearly see in the photo above.
Where do you find Doug? Don’t worry, if Thursday is your day, he’ll find you. We just want you to be ready for it. Maybe print this picture out and carry it around with you to be on the safe side. An encounter with facial hair like this isn’t something you want to be blindsided by.
Cracked.com Editor and Columnist Robert Brockway
Do your lady parts get runny when a man brings the funny? If so, first of all, sorry about that previous sentence, that was horrible. Second, meet Robert Brockway. He’s an editor and columnist at the extra-strength awesome comedy website Cracked.com and author of the terrifyingly hilarious Everything is Going to Kill Everybody. Catch more of his work (and mine!) when Cracked releases their first ever book, You Might Be a Zombie and Other Bad News, this December.
And catch, in his words, “a man sized boning” this Thursday to benefit cancer research. Despite being recently married, Brockway insists the nuptials were just a ploy to keep his Bolivian girlfriend Juan in the country and all “Have Sex With a Guy With a Mustache Day” participants will be welcomed with open arms and other euphemisms.
Rollie Fingers, Goose Gossage, Wade Boggs or Any Combination of the Three
Please don’t confuse this with a list of the top five mustaches of all time or something and then take to the comments section and tell us all the famous people we forgot to mention. That’s not the point, we’re talking about fighting cancer here.
With that said, if this was a list of the greatest mustaches ever, we’d have a hard time figuring out who would take the top spot, but we know that person would be a baseball player. Specifically, one of the three baseball players pictured above.
On the far left, Rollie Fingers, quite possibly the staunchest proponent of the handlebar mustache since the invention of color photography. Also, if that isn’t a name built for pleasure, then what is?
In the middle, famed Yankees closer Rich “Goose” Gossage. His hair is thinning on top these days, but he’s still sporting that fearsome facial hair.
Finally, closing out this lusty trio is Wade Boggs, of Boston Red Sox, New York Yankees and professional athlete skirt chasing fame. Boggs loved the ladies in his day, so it’s hard to imagine he wouldn’t be open for a few invites come Thursday. Maybe look up all three of these legends and make it a foursome!
Sporting mustaches like these takes hard work and more than a little courage. If ever there was a time to thank all of these great men for their achievements in the field of mustache rocking, this Thursday is the day. Make us proud, ladies, and do one of these fellas up for a good cause.