Sometimes it seems like the cream of the business world’s crop started out as fertilizer before they grew into their cushy jobs. The only difference is that fertilizer eventually produces something better than itself.
Everyone with a working set of eyes and a newspaper knows that business decisions are usually made based not on what’s best for the company, but for the company man at the top. They might look like adults, but really they’re just giant kids in a three piece Armani paid for with smuggled funds, inflated stock prices and a gold plated shoe made solely for kicking the customer square in their moneymaker. These are the whiniest of the wussiest CEOs of all time.
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg
The David Fincher movie The Social Network didn’t help to reshape the Facebook “founder’s” image as a conniving know-it-all who uses the souls of humanity to grease the wheels of his company. It also didn’t help that it was mostly true.
But even beyond the movie that practically re-named him “Dick Dickerberg” overnight, there were some glaring ommissions that further enhanced his dickishness. For instance, up until a few years ago, the head of the multi-billion dollar social networking industry used to hand out business cards with the title “I’m CEO…bitch.” That’s just slightly less classy than banging groupies in dirty bathroom stall, not to mention apparently being an excellent tactic for making it happen.
Mavericks Owner Mark Cuban
It’s hard to hate a guy like Mark Cuban. Sure he’s got a zillion dollars stuffed under his mattress as “pillow collateral” and he still dresses like a Supercuts manager, but at least he’d act the same way we would if we owned an NBA team, minus the breaking into an epileptic seizure every time a foul call didn’t go our way, of course.
The NBA loves to slap the guy with fines every time he opens his mouth, sometimes before he even takes a breath. So far he’s paid out over $1.6 million in fines just for the dumb things he’s dared to say, like announcing his intention to go after LeBron James. The dumbest, however, happened during his team’s last appearance in the NBA Finals. He stormed the court, yelled at the refs and then turned his anger against NBA chief David Stern, ensuring his place on the league’s “To-Collect” list. Why is there even the potential for a work stoppage next season? All they have to do is fine Cuban every time he looks at someone funny and they’re back in the black.
Apple Founder Steve Jobs
The man might look like the creepy music teacher who uses the word “dream” way too much but back in the early days of the home computer industry, Jobs with a typhoon of repressed anger with a tendency to reduce people under him to a blobbing mess of tears and snot bubbles — and that was on their birthday.
Jobs had a reputation for being a boss with a God complex. His aims to bring technology and art into a company’s mission statement also incorporated religion as he used fear to instill loyalty in his employees. He would verbally berate his coders and programmers after making them work ridiculous hours, often bringing women to the brink of crying fits. He called his subordinates “bozos” and the scarier part is he could turn this behavior on and off like the overused forced restart button on one of his computers.
Yahoo CEO Carol Bartz
When it comes to Internet companies, just about no one can match their level of insecurity and immaturity mainly because their average combined age is 12.
The fully grown CEO of Yahoo got knocked down a year or two from her maturity chart when she cursed out a tech blogger for daring to question her mentality that giant Google was nothing more than just a fancy search engine. She responded with the phrase (and I quote, ahem), “Fuck off.” She made sure her quote stuck by adding “That one I meant,” which means there are probably a thousand or so “Fuck offs” floating into the Earth’s atmosphere with little to no intrinsic value. Somehow we’re sure, it’s causing global warming.
BP CEO Tony Hayward
If you can’t figure out how this easily transferrable oil executive made the list, either pull your head out of the sand or out of Hayward’s ass, which you’ve likely been kissing for the last nine months.
Hayward became the poster child for business callousness and a model for future James Bond movie villains thanks to his reactions to the Deepwater Horizon oil spill that caused an untold number of damage to local businesses in the Gulf Coast and unmeasurable amounts of environmental damage. In the waining days of the disaster, he issued cold, uncaring “We’re sorry” and “We’ll make this right” messages that just made everyone feel wrong. He famously told a reporter, “There’s no one who wants this over more than I do. I would like my life back.” Right, because he’s the victim here. And even after he gave the biggest, non-verbal f-you to a Congressional Committee since the last time Dick Cheney looked at another living being, he raised his dickishness quotient by having a grand ol’ time at a yachting race while his own company was still dealing with the disaster. It’s only the second time w’ve ever wished for a yacht to crash into a substandard offshore oil rig that was built on a faulty foundation.