In case all that annoying bell ringing you’ve heard lately hasn’t given it away, it’s officially Holiday time again. Aside from a few extra days of sleeping late and a “Christmas Vacation” marathon on TV, I could pretty much do without the whole Christmas-Hanukkah-Kwanzaa season.
Some holidays are religion based; others are government issued. But, the best holidays are the ones that pretty much guarantee you some ass. So, no offense to Mother Earth, Martin Luther King Jr. or Christopher Columbus, but your holidays suck.
Here are five other holidays that may get you sucked instead.
New Years Eve
I gotta hand it to the pervert who came up with the idea to spend an entire night drinking and trolling for a stranger to consensually molest at midnight. Genius! This is one of the few nights of the year that when it’s all but guaranteed that hooking up is on everyone’s mind. And the best part is that there is a constant reminder ticking down, forcing everyone step their game up while stepping down their standards.
The copious amounts of booze and stupid cardboard hats mixed with the desire to not start off the new year alone has a strangely magical effect on people. As it turns out, women are much more likely to go home with you if they have tasted your tongue for the last 45 minutes. Next week as Dick Clark struggles to count backwards, remember that New Years Eve was designed to facilitate hooking up… That and to single handedly keep the lucrative noise maker industry afloat.
Chance of a New Years Eve Hook Up: 94%
St. Patrick’s Day
What do you get when you combine binge drinking, excessive pinching and “Kiss me, I’m Irish” shirts? A 75% chance of a green orgy. Not since the days of the Jolly Green Giant has anyone been so fucking happy covered from head to toe in a color that most closely resembles stuff you cough up when you’re sick.
But, for some wonderful reason, on St. Patty’s Day everyone is a little bit Irish, a lot bit drunk and horny as…uh…a drunk Irish guy. The whole “kiss me, I’m Irish” thing will only get you so far (especially if you’re Jewish). So remember that the key to your beer staying green and your balls staying any color but blue is 1.) Go Out 2.) Go Big 3.) Avoid the tray of free corned beef and cabbage at all costs.
As delicious as it may seem at the time, that corned beef and cabbage will haunt your breath like the potato famine haunted Irish farmers. (This may or may not be historically correct, but I get paid by the word, so I included it anyways).
Chance of a St. Patrick’s Day Hook Up: 67 %
Fantasy and reality blur together so perfectly during this “kids holiday” that it ends up being way more fun as an adult. Rather than feeding into the ugly stereotype that women “slut it up” on Halloween, let me just say that some women (all women) are more friendly (sluttier) when they leave the house (studio apartment) dressed like a princess (slutty pirate).
But, it’s not just that woman feel sexier. Us guys help by playing into their fantasies too. Got a thing for fireman, or soldiers or that homo from Twilight? We can help you fulfill that fantasy without the embarrassment of searching for real desperate firemen on Craigslist.
The real treat of this holiday is that it is usually celebrated over the course of 10 days, making the last few weeks in October a great time to be single and near a college campus.
Chance of a Halloween Hook Up: 78%
Holy Tits! This holiday is so much more than just a morbidly obese day of the week. The Big Easy becomes the Big Party, complete with beads, boobs and a bevy of drunk strangers to hook up with. Sure, trading beads that you bought at a Circle K to some chick for a squeeze is borderline prostitution, however, since you are dealing in beads instead of cash it is more like the Club Med of Prostitution.
This holiday, complete with parades and public drinking, is ground zero for hooking up with everyone from a Tulane Freshman hottie to a woman who has been around since the first Mardi Gras.
Even outside of Who Dat Nation, people celebrate Fat Tuesday with bead parties and, regrettably, hooking up with you. Nice Work!
Chance of a Fat Tuesday Hook Up: 69%
Say what you will about this Hallmark holiday, but Valentines Day is a great excuse for single people to become a little less single for the night. Avoid the pre-fixed dinners and head straight to the bar.
Any single woman who is out on Valentines Day is at least open to the idea of hooking up. Love may not be in the air, but lust most certainly is. And, I’m pretty sure, deep down, all women would love to be able to tell a story about how they met their “special someone” on Valentines Day. You can be that “special” someone, at least temporarily. That’s probably what all those teachers who called you “special” were talking about!
Chance of a Valentines Day Hookup: 80% (unless your married, then it’s 11%)
This year, mark you calendars early for the days that really matter. It’s not often you hear about the group of hot chicks who go out to celebrate Arbor Day with shots and care free sex, but who knows? After all, you can’t spell “Holiday” without “HO!”
Happy Holidays, and here’s to 2011!