You know that expression about why some men feel compelled to drive big cars? Picture that, only involving penises so small they caused world records in engineering.
6. The TC-497 Overland Train Mark II
The US Army’s answer to mother nature before we started worrying about silly stuff like the world running out of gasoline.
Poor bastard locked his keys in again.
The LeTourneau overland trains were the largest off-road vehicles ever built. They came in several sizes, the largest being the TC-497 Overland Train Mark II. This real life Sandcrawler was three stories tall, boasted tires 10 feet across, and could pull a “train” 570 feet long for 350 to 400 miles.
“We break for nobody.”
The truck’s four 1,170 hp Solar 10MC engines could only go 20 mph, but who needs to go anywhere in a hurry when you have virtually nothing left on Earth to fear? The TC-497 was built to be a train that could function without rails. The juggernaut could ford rivers, run over trees like they were parking cones, turn on sharp right-angels thanks to its steerable wheels, and we imagine spell certain doom for any Volkswagen Beetles in its enormous blind spot.
Either a LeTourneau overland train or a bunch of toys in God’s sandbox.
Interestingly, one of these bastards turned up on Ebay a few years ago from a seller in Alaska. It ended up selling for $15,000 to one hell of a happy camper.
How much do you want to wager those are the Palins?
4 and 5. The American Dream and Midnight Rider
Jay Ohrberg of Burbank California is a man of simple pleasures. Rather than climb Mount Everest or run for president, Jay seems content with the whole world knowing that he can afford just about anything he wants. Case in point, his beloved car the American Dream: a 100-foot-long, 26-wheel limousine recognized by the Guinness Book of World Records as the longest car in the world.
Surprise, surprise… They’re out of gas.
It’s pretty hard to look at that machine without thinking that this is what America is all about, or at least what it was all about when Dallas was still on the air. Seriously, just look at that thing. Not only is it not even close to street legal, but it looks like the kind of thing that is probably more trouble than it’s worth. This hilarious advertisement for it on
Salvex isn’t helping.
Apparently, the Chinatown Bus has more legroom.
For a ridiculously large limousine that will probably be more fun to ride in than to scrap, another gem on Guinness, the Midnight Rider, seems like a satisfactory alternative. However, at that point you’re basically driving around in the world’s most high-end Mack Truck.
What the presidential limousine would have looked like for the Confederate States of America.
3. The Panzer VIII Maus
The Panzerkampfwagen VIII Maus is the heaviest armored tank to actually roll off an assembly line. It weighed 188 tons, was nearly 12 feet high, and had a top speed of 12 mph–or at the very least it was supposed to. Two were built by Germany during World War II, and only one of them was completed. By the time the final product finally saw the light of day, the war was nearly over thanks to the Allies relying on more practical, less obscenely-large model.
The Germans should have just saved themselves some time and roll it straight into a museum.
Somewhat ironically, the Panzer VIII Maus “Mouse” was tiny compared to some of the other models the Germans had in mind. If you are asking yourself why such an enormous tank had such a silly name, well, check out some of the other designed Hitler hoped would soon follow.
Apparently, they were all products of the ACME company.
2. The Helepolis
The “Taker of Cities.” An enormous invention from antiquity that was supposedly the largest siege tower ever built.
Ancient Greece’s equivalent to Grond.
Designed by Polyidus of Thessaly and later used in the legendary siege of Rhodes, this movable monstrosity was 130-140 feet tall and weighted approximately 150 tons. Within its busy works could be found 16 catapults, eight enormous wheels, and a crew of as many as 3,400 men working as if the whole machine was their own personal hornet’s nest. Hilariously, the enormous siege engine was abandoned at the siege of Rhodes for reasons that should be all too obvious in hindsight. The victorious defender had the beast broken down and eventually sold to raise funds for the Colossus of Rhodes, one of the Seven Wonders of the World.
Apparently they had plenty to go around.
1. The Bagger 288
There is not one figure in the description of the Krupp Bagger 288 that does not deserve to be admired. At 13,500 tons, 311 feet in height and 705 feet in length, this masterpiece of German engineering is the largest land vehicle ever built.
The thing is so damn large you need two pairs of eyes to see it all.
In addition to doubling as a Sonic the Hedgehog level, the Bagger 288 is also famously known as “the world’s largest digging machine.” It took 5 years and more than $100 million to build so it could cut through rock and earth at a rate of 76,000 cubic meters a day.
A Song for Bagger 288
We’ll leave it up to you to figure out how long that would take the Bagger 288 to demolish Mount Everest or saw through Halley’s Comet in case the latter is ever on a collision course for Earth.
Screw Armageddon. We’d rather watch this thing for three hours.
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