IT’S NO SECRET that Hollywood is not so much in the business of making good movies as they are in the business of making as much money as possible from as little investment into story as their studio can afford. Case in point, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is one of the highest grossing films of all time.
Rotten Tomatoes score: 21 percent.
The reboot, however, is a whole different animal. Some soar franchises to new heights, like Batman Begins or Casino Royale, while others… Let’s just put it this way: There’s a reason why you couldn’t have made some of these films until the original creative minds were dead.
6. The All-New Adventures of Laurel and Hardy: For Love or Mummy (1999)
Released straight to video in 1999, this unpolished turd featured Balki from Perfect Strangers and… some fat guy as one of the most legendary comedic duos of all time.
We wish we could make fun of this poster, but a part of our childhood is crying inside.
The film followed the nephews of the original Laurel and Hardy without giving any explanation why the hell they’re still wearing bowler hats in the same year The Matrix came out. The rest of the film looks like it was shot using a small budget than the original Laurel and Hardy films unadjusted for inflation. Seriously, we’ve seen Laurel and Hardy films from the ’30s with better special effects than this.
However, as with all movies this unbelievably bad, it does have one redeeming quality. You guessed it; Academy Award-winner F. Murray Abraham has a major role in this flop.
Seriously, what the hell does it take to be this man’s agent?
5. The Three Stooges (2012)
We give the Farrelly brothers props for trying to revive the greatest slapstick tro of all time and for showing Kate Upton in a sexy nun bikini. However, trying to do both at the same time is everything that’s wrong with this film.
If only the rest of the film was as good as this poster.
The film received praise for its actors’ portrayals of the Three Stooges, but was an utter failure in every other department. Complaints ranged from an overdose of celebrity cameos to one hell of a weird subplot straight out of Kingpin, only with more nuns and a whole lot less comedic genius. Should the Farrelly’s end up making a follow-up to this film anytime soon, it will be a slap in the face of everyone who ever wanted a Dumb and Dumber sequel.
Instead of Moe, Larry, and Curly, we should have seen Harry Dunne and Lloyd Christmas in this scene.
4. The Karate Kid (2010)
Don’t get us wrong; this is an infinitely better movie than The Next Karate Kid ever was.
Was it really so terrible that Ralph Macchio turned 33?
However, for all its good qualities, how the hell can they call this film The Karate Kid if there is absolutely no karate in the whole movie?
The Kung-Fu Kid?
3. Conan the Barbarian (2011)
Granted the Conan franchise was not exactly Oscar-worthy to begin with, those films were all about seeing Arnold Schwarzenegger in a fur speedo.
Pictured: The reason why you own this film on Blu-ray.
However, once you replace Arnold with some actor from Baywatch Hawaii, it’s impossible to feel like you’re not just watching some cheap sequel to The Scorpion King with a rushed 3D conversion.
We have a nephew with a plastic sword just like that.
2. Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2009)
We don’t know what’s more out of place in this film: Balrog using an RPG to blow up a house or Chun-Li learning about the Street Fighter tournament in a newspaper ad. Also not helping is how the lead actress looked about as Chinese as most Cammy cosplayers.
As with most things in the world, this needs more Cammy cosplay.
The film made about a quarter of its budget back and was one of the worst reviewed films of the past decade. On the plus side, there’s probably no chance we’ll ever see a sequel to it.
1. Punisher: War Zone (2008)
Frank Castle snaps a middle-aged woman’s neck at a dinner table in this movie, throws a man into a glass crusher, uses the Joker’s pencil trick to pop is own nose into place, and…
Seriously, on the nose.
Actually, we take that all back. This film is so goddamn awesome it’s almost too good to be true.
Follow Jacopo della Quercia on Twitter!
This website contains mature content; you must be at least 18 years old to enter. Please click below to verify your age. By clicking the agree button, you are confirming that you are 18 years of age or older and you agree to view content intended for a mature audience.