Thanksgiving is pretty much a near perfect holiday. A day where you’re EXPECTED to celebrate by eating your weight in savory stuffing from a perfectly baked turkey’s ass and washing it down with a couple slices of homemade pumpkin pie until you put yourself in a gluttony-induced coma. But even with the promise of delicious food, football and drooly naps, there’s always a few individuals that will manage to ruin Thanksgiving for everyone.
Here are 5 people you’ll probably encounter this year and tips on how to effectively avoid them on Thanksgiving.
1. The Drunk
Most of us have encountered this person at many a Thanksgiving feast. It’s usually a relative and it starts off a lot like a night out drinking with your friends. The buzz kicks in and everything is a whole lot of happy and “I love you mans.” A couple of drinks later, it escalates to depression and unbearable bad breath that ends up with them getting into a fight with whatever person or floor lamp happens to be nearby. The evening is then capped off with them regurgitating their Thanksgiving feast and everyone wishing the night was over.
How to Avoid Them: Start serving the drunk their drinks. We know this seems counter-intuitive, but if you serve their drinks, you have control of their alcohol intake. After they work up a nice buzz, start watering down their drink of choice to extend his happy buzz until they take the obligatory Thanksgiving nap, sober up and go home.
2. The Relative Stranger
Isn’t it awkward when you log on to Facebook and see that somebody from your high school requested to be your friend but you have absolutely no idea who they are? Well the relative stranger is sort of like that except he’s related to you, he’s right in front of your face and there’s no “not now” button to be found anywhere on his forehead. The relative stranger also knows ALL about you and cheerfully reminisces about the time they bought you an ice cream cone when you were two, all the while looking anxiously at your face in hopes that somehow their fond memory about how you peed in their mouth when they changed your diaper will spark a memory and everything will come rushing back to you. The relative stranger doesn’t seem to understand that the brain has this wonderful way of not retaining any memory from the time when shitting on ourselves was a normal everyday thing.
How to Avoid Them: If you’ve been cornered by this person, invite them to walk across the room with you to the kitchen to get something to eat or to the living room so you can have a seat. Where ever you are, always find a way to walk to the opposite end of the room with them while they strolls down your memory lane by themselves. Walking will allow for ample opportunities for you to get distracted and leave the conversation. “Oh, I would love to hear the rest but Grandma’s nap is looking serious and I have to check her pulse.”
3. The Fresh Vegan
The fresh vegan is someone who has recently made the switch from being not annoying to totally annoying, especially on Thanksgiving. The person who was fine sucking the morrow out of a turkey leg a year ago has now returned to the occasion with a renewed love for all things living and a taste for all things disgusting. Now abominations like tofurkey with acorn squash stuffing pollute the sacred space near delicious dishes that actually look like food instead of a microwaved dishrag. And since misery loves company, the fresh vegan loves to try and recruit others to join them into the bland side.
How to Avoid Them: This is a no-brainer, if you want to avoid them locate the offensive vegan food (if there’s something that looks like a broiled foot, that’s it) and avoid that area at all costs to minimize the possibility of bumping into the evolved rabbit munching away at their carrot sticks while you’re gnawing away on delicious animal carcass covered in gravy. OR, if you do happen to get caught up in their pretentious vegan teachings, answer all their arguments against eating meat by perpetually saying, “But it’s delicious! … Okay, I see what you’re saying, BUT IT’S DELICIOUS!”
Because in the end, no one has a good argument against deliciousness, especially from people whose taste buds have fallen off in despair.
4. The Political Ranter
With the elections fresh in the bag, we can almost guarantee that there’s going to be at least one or two political windbags, still full of gas, ready to decompress all over your Thanksgiving joy. And why wouldn’t they? A Thanksgiving meal is a perfect place to spew their rantings, even when it’s in front of an unwilling family members. All they need is an audience and hopefully a fool at the other end of the political spectrum who’ll have a political cock fight with them.
How to Avoid Them: No matter how strongly you disagree with The Political Ranter you and everyone else around you should not take their misinformed political bait. There’s no winning with Political Ranter if you decide to debate with them and there is a 100 percent chance that it will escalate to a shouting match and end up in a fight that’ll turn mom’s porcelain dog collection into a fine pulp. We recommend ignoring them, diverting their attention to other subjects and ignoring them some more. If they see that no one’s interested in being called a clueless sheeple, they’ll get the hint and put a lid on their piehole.
5. The “Toast-centric”
You’ve probably never heard the term “Toast-centric,” but we bet our marshmallow topped yams that you’ve met one. These types of people lead the most uninteresting lives, but in their little toast world, every mundane thing that happens to them is mind-blowingly amazing and they know you can’t wait to hear every detail on how they cost effectively managed to decrease the cuts on the supply inventory dividends fiscally (that’s how officey people talk right?). And possibly, as all conversations go, their complaints about the Filipino guy who stinks up the employee lounge when he microwaves his sardine lunch, reminds you of an incident with a wise foreigner you met in Europe, because that’s what happens in a normal give and take conversation. You lay out your stories and you relate the fuck out of them.
A toast-centric, however, will have no need for your clearly superior stories and will let you know by immediately re-routing the conversation back to their happy hour shenanigans at TGIFridays.
How to Avoid Them: As boring as they are, they’re surprisingly skilled at spotting an open opportunity to have a conversation about them. A blurb within their ear shots about how you think Aunt Debi’s strawberry shortcake is delicious is more than enough material for them to start up a conversation on how they made a strawberry shortcake from scratch for the office party, which then begets 40 other mind-numbingly boring stories. If you can, avoid talking to them all together. If you’re end up becoming a victim to their never ending monologue, stuff your mouth so full that you can’t respond to anything they say, which gives them no open doors to share their story about the religious experience they had at a Michael Bolton concert.