VIDEO GAMES WOULDN’T BE MUCH FUN IF THEY WERE EASY. Gamers love a challenge–we thrive on them–and we appreciate a back-breaking boss battle. (Especially when we come out the winner.)
But some bosses are drive-you-crazy difficult, curse-and-swear-and-carry-on pains in the asses, toss-your-controller-across-the-room douchebags.
We don’t like that.
1. MIKE TYSON – PUNCH OUT
No surprise that “Iron Mike” is tough to beat. Back in 1987, when the game was released, Tyson was the undefeated Heavyweight champion of the world.
But damn, he’s so tough, it’s nearly impossible to land a punch, let alone knock the guy down. And if he hits you just once with that uppercut, you’re out. Shee-it.
Unpredictable, super powerful, quick, and with crazy defense, many gamers have never managed to beat Tyson at his own game.
What it takes: You basically have to block and dodge and hope for the best. If you manage to hang in for the first minute and a half, he’ll get tired and you’ll be able to land a couple of counter-punches before he pummels you some more.
2. LOU THE DEVIL – GUITAR HERO III
Beating devilish Lou at Guitar Hero takes dedicated hours of practice to achieve. Like hours and hours of practice. Like weeks of practice. It takes playing through the same bloody song over and over and over again, so often that beating him is bound to sour relations between you and your neighbors. Forever.
That said, if you do (WHEN you do) beat Lou on Expert, you can truly claim to be one of the best fake guitar players in the world.
Yeah, that’s cool, but odds are you can’t actually play a guitar anywhere near as well. Because you spend too much time playing video games.
3. TABUU – SUPER SMASH BROS. BRAWL
How hard can beating a boss in a game called Super Smash Bros. Brawl possibly be?
Pretty fucking hard.
Like days stolen from your life hard.
Tabuu is the “embodiment of subspace,” after all. Also he’s really creepy-looking.
Beating Tabuu requires learning his various primary attacks which include, but are not limited to: Dark Cannon, Side Spear, Dual Eye Lasers, Teleport Explosion, Bullet Rain… and the list goes on.
There are 15 in all.
Once your figure out what each attack involves, how to defend yourself against them (or dodge them entirely), and how to counter them, you’re home free.
Just don’t get his tactics mixed up or you’re a dead man.
4. ABSOLUTE VIRTUE – FINAL FANTASY XI
Not only does Absolute Virtue have possibly the worst name in the history of gaming, the battle to defeat him takes 18 hours—and that’s according to Final Fantasy’s designers.
You got to figure there are some gamers out there who have the skills to defeat him but just aren’t hardcore enough for 18-hours or combating a single boss, risking passing out, or vomiting.
Why would anyone want to do this?
Worse still would be putting in all that time and then not winning the battle. Going for 16, 17, 18 hours and losing.
How do you recover from something like that? Could you ever game again? Probably, but you’d have to replace your controller first.
5. HITLER – WOLFENSTEIN 3D
As he is already the poster boy for ultimate evil, it is somewhat fitting that Hitler was made to be so damned difficult to beat.
But you’d think that the game’s designers would want gamers to be able to beat Hitler. Like isn’t making Hitler nearly impossible to beat kind of a slap in the face?
What we want is to be able to engage in some revisionist history and unload on the bastard (like this), but instead we have to try to wrangle the Hitler-as-fastest-man-in-the-world. (Really, he’s stupid quick.)
Oh yeah, and he’s wearing a humongous suit of armor and has two quad chain guns in each hand.