5. Gino Felino, Out for Justice
As entertaining as it is to watch Steven Seagal tear up the scenery as a living caricature of himself, it’s hard to watch this film as anything other than the single most hilarious dramatization of police brutality.
He probably stole that from a dollar stone on the way over.
Steven Seagal’s fighting style works as follows: If his opponent is younger or smaller than him, he shoves him. If he is even slightly imposing, he improvises a weapon. But, in perhaps the worst scene to ever quality as action-movie “action,” the part where he starts pushing around a retired boxer makes Gino Felino come off as little more than a drunken bully.
4. Gaston, Beauty and the Beast
He had an innocent old man institutionalized, instigated a lynch-mob, laid siege to a castle and ultimately fought a monster just so he wouldn’t have to have sex with the three hottest triplets in cartoon history.
Isn’t this, like, every Gaston’s fantasy?
Don’t get us wrong. We understand Gaston was an asshole who probably just wanted Belle mounted like a trophy buck, if that makes sense, but it’s not like anybody in town took it hard when she turned down the meathead. Remember, everybody thought Belle was beautiful but weird as hell.
While it would have made for a much less interesting story, it’s pretty clear what anybody—and we mean anybody—would have done if they were in Gaston’s boots following Belle’s rejection.
There are worse lives.
3. Jeanie Bueller, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
Granted it was a dumb move for Edward Rooney to break into the Bueller homestead, it’s tough to picture a school official getting mauled by the failing Rottweiler without picturing some sort of creepy news report on it.
Somehow, this picture was not as bad as Jeffrey Jones’ actual booking photo.
However, this is now what concerns us about Edward Rooney and the Bueller dog. What freaks us out more than anything is Jeanie Bueller smiling like a sociopath to Rooney’s screams as if the whole Bueller house was a Saw trap.
Seriously, what the hell is it with this family?
2. Old Lady, Ratatouille
We don’t know what’s more ridiculous about this scene: The fact that an old woman destroyed her house with a shotgun simply because she saw a rat, or that someone was somehow able to work this into an Academy Award-winning Pixar movie.
Maybe it’s our imagination or maybe times have changed, but we’re pretty sure a scene like this would have sunk An American Tail like a stone.
1. The Paris Police, Kiss of the Dragon
An entire room full of black-belted policemen decide to whip out nightsticks and beat the shit out of Jet Li, whom they don’t even know, simply because he’s Asian.
Seriously, that’s it. They didn’t even ask him any questions.
“Engage on sight. No excuses.” – A Paris Police memo
Yes, Jet Li did turn out to be a Chinese intelligence agent who had just kicked a metic shit-ton of French asses on his way over. However, it’s not like any of the cops in the room knew that, never mind every single man in the room at the same time.
For all those French cops knew, Jet Li could have been a tourist there to pick up a lost passport or a delivery boy showing up to offer testimony on a previous random police-beating.
The reason why France has such damn good health insurance.
Situations like these are usually settled by asking “Do you have a crime to report?” or “Are you lost?” to reduce the risk of clobbering unsuspecting people to death.
Jacopo della Quercia is now on Twitter. Follow him!