Tomorrow, the movie That’s My Boy comes out. If you haven’t seen a trailer already, we’ll break it down for you: Adam Sandler and Andy Samberg play father and son who haven’t seen each other for years until dad comes to visit son on the cusp of his wedding to try and reconnect with him and atone for years of being a bad parent. Part of the premise is that Sandler was such a bad parent for so many years because Samberg was the product of an affair he had with a teacher when he was a teenager in high school.
That’s My Boy
This got us thinking. Apart from the fantasy, could banging your teacher really be all that great?
Unofficially, yes. But officially, we’ll also say it’s overrated.
BUT YOU GOT LAID!
Okay, but before we start giving out pats on the back, remember that this is high school we’re talking about…in the year 2012. Between the years 2001 and 2005 alone there were a reported 2,500 instances of educators being punished for sexual misconduct with students. For those of you keeping score at home, that’s a little over one instance per day. Per. Day. If copious amounts of illicit teacher-student sex is going on, that can only really mean one thing— it’s so easy to get laid in high school in this day and age that the flood has spilled over into not-quite-legal territory just because everyone’s gotten bored.
More kids than ever sleep with teachers because each generation is more bored with sex than the last one, basically. Back in the day teenagers did normal stuff like road trip and light cats on fire to stave off boredom. But now social media has evolved to the point where hooking up with the teacher is easy as stealing candy from an old person.
BUT IT WAS THE TEACHER!
That’s titillating and all, and we’ve all had that fantasy a time or twelve. But again, this is high school we’re talking about. Somewhere in there is a prom queen, or a homecoming queen, or an impressionable cheerleader, or a dorky-but-secretly-hot-girl-who-probably-looks-like-Rachel-Leigh-Cook also roaming the halls. Unless the teacher is really hot, all those previously mentioned archetypes land higher on the would-totally-do totem pole than the teacher.
Which brings us back to 2,500. Know what else that number means? It’s not that hard to bag the teacher, anymore. Bragging about it now is like being a baseball player and bragging about hitting 30 home runs in a season. The dangerous excitement isn’t the same as when Mary K. Letourneau kept getting pregnant by some sixth grader. This naturally means accomplishing the deed has become way less worth risking the consequences.
BUT SHE GAVE YOU AN A!
Yeah, all the way up until the authorities got an anonymous tip about your dick being in close proximity to a paid educator, and now all your hard work (double entendre) is for naught. And now you have to take phys ed, or geometry, or phonics all over again. But before you do that, you have to re-register for every class so you can do your whole year over with. All because of a little forbidden boning (single entendre).
Wait…what? Oh yeah. You don’t really expect to stay at the scene of the crime so you can finish out the year if an arrest is made, do you? Nooooo, no, no. An uprooting might be in order. Not just to a different school, but a different town. Hell, maybe a different state. However far your parents might think it necessary to outrun the stank following you around.
BUT YOU WON’T GET IN TROUBLE!
Legally? No, probably not. But no legal trouble doesn’t mean you didn’t still kick up a shit storm of emotional and psychological trauma. Let’s start with the teacher. She knew what she was doing, so she made her own bed. But what if she’s married? What kind of life is it to be the poor schmuck whose wife risked serious jail time to cheat on him? No amount of liquor and therapy on Earth can rectify that. He can try going on Nancy Grace and become an expert on how shitty it feels, but that’s about it.
Now let’s get serious. What if you’re just not emotionally equipped to deal with the situation and accidentally fall in love? Or what if the teacher in question was popular with students who were your friends and they end up blaming you for her firing? Or what if you learn that you’re not her first student hook-up? Or what if, just what if she starts dating another teacher at the same time, and causes you to go crazy? Because those kinds of ramifications do arise. Just ask Jason Eickmeyer.
BUT YOU WERE THE MAN WHEN WORD GOT OUT!
Yeah, right. You’re more pariah than gym class hero. More Cory Feldman than Don Juan. You might assume the same kind of accolades that go with scaling Mount Everest come with scaling Mount Horny Teacher, but you’d be wrong. You knocked down a sacred, warm, invisible wall of safe structural authority… with your cock. You shook the integrity of the community you live in and the foundation of its most important institution… with your cock. You might as well have blown President Clinton.
Of course you didn’t mean to. Everybody gets that. What’s a horny teenager to turn down sex? But that doesn’t matter. You’re likely to end up a spook story other parents tell their kids to scare them into staying on the straight and narrow and keeping it in their pants should they ever get invited to do after-school extra credit work in the old abandoned janitor’s closet.
Then again, if That’s My Boy is more clairvoyant than we, and the worst thing that could happen is you end up like Sandler—immature and irresponsible but with a heart of gold and an uncanny knack for being around beautiful strippers—then salud.
Bang that teacher before one of your classmates does.