It’s hard to examine the annals of history without thinking there is something seriously wrong with humanity, what with all the killing and whatnot.
What history would look like if textbooks were honest?
To make things easier for us living, we’ve compiled a list of the most deadly everything in history. Avoid them and hopefully we’ll all just die of old age.
Preferably at a gangbang.
5. CHINA, THE DEADLIEST COUNTY IN HISTORY
While we could single out the Mongols as the most deadly people in history, they haven’t been causing much trouble for anyone since that whole “Genghis Khan” thing. Granted that was one hell of a thing.
How badass is that? Their country is a pool of blood on the map.
China, on the other hand, enjoys the rare distinction of being the most popular place on the planet for people to die prematurely. China accounts for 6 of the 10 deadliest wars in history, and that’s not even counting the 35 million Chinese killed during the Mongol conquests or the nearly 20 million Chinese civilians killed during World War II.
That’s more than every death in every Kung Fu movie in history.
Oh, and the craziest thing about those 6 out of 10 deadliest wars China fought? They were civil wars. In fact, while the American Civil War resulted in the death of around 625,000 people, the Taiping Rebellion fought at the same time resulted in at least 20 million deaths.
Way to ruin American history, China.
4. THE SIEGE OF KAFFA, THE DEADLIEST MILITARY MANEUVER IN HISTORY
Yup, those rascal Mongols are at it again. This time, they killed 25 per cent of Europe’s population just so they could capture one city: the Crimean port of Kaffa.
(Only known photograph.)
The siege of Kaffa took place in 1346, which as fate would have it was just two years before the Black Death occurred. Actually, it turns out fate had nothing to do with it. During the siege, the Golden Horde noticed some of their men were dropping dead with a disease they picked during their schlep across Central Asia. Since letting a dead body go to waste was not really what the Golden Horde was about, they loaded these bodies into trebuchets and launch them into the terrified city of Kaffa.
You’d be amazed how much of this actually happens in history.
Sure enough, these dead bodies were infected with Yersinia pestis, the disease responsible for the pneumonic, septicemic, and bubonic plagues. The survivors of Kaffa brought the disease into every city they crossed on their way home, and before you know it, the Black Death cut down a quarter of the entire population in Europe, eventually killing 70-100 million people in Asia, Africa and Europe.
And it was all so the Golden Horde could capture one city.
In all fairness, some people today would do worse just to get their morning coffee.
3. THE TOBA EVENT, THE DEADLIEST MOMENT IN HUMAN HISTORY
What’s the closest humanity ever came to full-on extinction? That would probably be the volcanic eruption at Lake Toba around 73,000 years ago. The eruption spewed enough ash into the atmosphere to cause a volcanic winter that lasted nearly 6 years and triggered a global cooling period that lasted the next thousand years.
Expect Roland Emmerich to make a film about this anytime now.
It’s believed this event caused a genetic bottleneck in human evolution by reducing the world’s population to around 10,000 survivors. All we are, have been, and will be come from these brave ancestors who thankfully chose to have lots and lots of sex in the world’s death metal landscape.
2. BOTULISM TOXIN, THE MOST DEADLY SUBSTANCE ON THE PLANET
It took quite a few rats to kill one quarter of Europe during the Black Death just as it would probably take a few thousand nuclear bombs to wipe out humanity, which frankly is easier said than done.
Even the Machines in Terminator 3 couldn’t pull off that feat.
However, if some jack-off ever wanted to kill every single living person on the planet, guess how much botulinum toxin he would need to do it?
Go on, guess…
Photo c/o Charlie Carson of Downton Abbey.
Seriously, that’s all it would take because just one teaspoon of this stuff has the potential to kill 1.2 billion people. That makes botulinum more deadly than any other toxic substance science or nature can throw at us, so be extra-careful with your face should you ever get a Botox injection. That’s right, this deadly stuff is best known today for its cosmetic uses.
At least that explains the toxic stuff coming out of Paula Deen’s face.
1. THE MOSQUITO, HUMANITY’S DEADLIEST ENEMY
If you’ve managed to make it this far into the article, then we have good news! As deadly as every entry in this article has been for humanity, none of them even come close to matching the destructive power of the mosquito. How many humans have these little buggers killed off? More than every war? Every natural disaster? Every shark/lion/giant eagle in history? How about more than every non-mosquito related human death put together. That’s right, mosquitoes are responsible for “half of all human deaths since the Stone Age,” which translates into something north of 40 or 50 billion human deaths. Billion. With a “b.”
Now, we know what you’re thinking: How did this happen? It turns out this is how the history of homo sapien has always been. Mosquitoes are a magnificent equalizer in the food pyramid. Due all our tools and technologies like iPhone, we’re still pretty damn vulnerable to mosquito bites just as our ancestors were.
That’s not helping.
As such, you can forget about humans being the most deadly animals on the planet. Not only are mosquitoes our greatest killers, they have been our arch-enemies since the earliest days of human history.
“The Lannisters send their regards.”
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Also, please check out Matthew White’s Atrocities: The 100 Deadliest Episodes in Human History for more information on the subject of the deadliest everythings.