An airport can be described in many ways, depending on who you ask. If you talk to a man who flies frequently for business, the airport is just another day at the office, if you ask a tourist, it’s someplace that holds the promise of a big adventure and if you ask our drunk uncle, it’s someplace he purposely acts suspicious just so he can get fisted searched by TSA. Aside from panophobics (people who are scared of everything) or probably Adrian Brody (he looks skittish), there aren’t a lot of people that would describe an airport as “strange” or “creepy,” but that’s also probably because they’ve never been to the Denver Airport.
Ever since the Denver Airport opened in 1995, talk has circulated beyond conspiracy theorists about the overall general creepiness of the place. Here are five things that make the Denver airport one of the creepiest airports you’ll ever eat an over-priced Cinnabon.
1. THE AIRPORT
The old adage of, “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it” was clearly lost on the people who commissioned the Denver Airport. Before the airport was built, there was already a perfectly fine airport in Stapleton about six miles from Denver. The construction went on anyways; two years late and 4.8 billion dollars later, it was finally completed. You would think the townsfolk would have a fit over how their tax dollars were being spent on an unnecessary airport but as it turns out, the Denver airport was privately funded by ALF. Okay probably not ALF, but our idiotic guess is as good as anybody’s because no one really knows who paid for the airport to be built. The most information you can get is etched on a time capsule inside the airport that says it was commissioned by, “The New World Airport Commission” which could easily be replaced with “The Union of Frustrated Santa Elves’” because they both have something in common in that they don’t exist.
This was the start of all the suspicion that still surrounds the Denver Airport today. People think that this airport was merely built to cover up a much bigger construction project going on down below – a giant underground bunker, rumored to be 360,000 feet, built for the top elite, better known to conspiracy theorists as The New World Order, for shelter when the Earth and all the people on it collapse in some unknown tragedy. The barbed wire fence that surrounds the airport doesn’t exactly help deter these theories or do anything for the ambiance. Unless the ambiance they were aiming for was ‘Alcatraz chic’ in which case, they totally nailed it.
2. THE GROUND
Before you think we’ve been painting each other with White-out mustaches, (don’t do it!), keep in mind that the underground bunker theory started from something puzzling that happened when they started building the airport. Initially, five buildings were built but were later deemed to be built incorrectly. Instead of demolishing these buildings, common sense was merely ‘buried’ along with the five buildings before they did the airport do-over-cha-cha right on top of it. The airport doesn’t deny that there’s ‘storage’ below the airport but, much like Mario Lopez’s abnormally cavernous dimples, no one knows how big or how deep they go.
Some say there’s indigenous tribes living inside his dimples who have never seen the light of day.
Another strong evidence for the underground theory is what happened on September 27, 2011. This date probably isn’t significant to most people out there but it was very significant for those who knew about Comet Elenin and it appears as if the government was one of those people. On September 27, 2011, Comet Elenin passed and only missed the earth by a dangerously close 22 miles and coincidentally, President Obama was ushered over to Denver on this exact date, which makes sense because if Elenin had hit the Earth, they would want the President to be close to the underground bunker for protection.
3. THE RUNWAYS
Remember that game you used to play as a kid where you would look at the clouds, guess what the clouds looked like and laughed and laughed all by yourself because you had no friends? Well let’s play that game but this time, we’ll play it with airport runways.
THe LAX looks like Optimus Prime’s slower cousin, the Food Processor.
The Heathrow Airport looks like a refreshing glass of chocolate milk.
And the Denver Airport looks like a swastika! Wasn’t that fun?!
From the air, the way the Denver Airport runways are laid out, eerily looks like a swastika. What this means exactly is open to even more theories but either way, it totally put a damper on our fun runway game.
4. THE SKIES
As if secret bunkers for the impending apocolapyse and hidden Nazi symbols weren’t enough, wouldn’t you know it, the mother of all strange and creepy rears its shiny domed head because OF COURSE there’s been U.F.O. sightings. Put your skeptical face away, we’re not even done yet.
The Denver Airport indeed has something else a buzzin’ around their secretive skies than just regular airplanes cramped full of people eating cheese crackers and peeing inside a bookshelf with door. There have also been reports from several eyewitnesses that strange objects were spotted dancing in the sky by the Denver Airport and moved at a speed that couldn’t possibly be mistaken for one of our clunky ass airplanes. These U.F.O’s have been captured on tape even by a news channel that accidentally caught their own U.F.O. sighting on tape when they were testing the validity of the first UFO video. There’s no real theory on how the U.F.O. sightings tie-in with the rumors about the Denver Airport but for now, it’s just another weird flair to add to the Denver Airport’s red vest of creepy.
5. THE INSIDE
If you’re not already convinced and frantically changing your airline tickets to purposely have a layover in Denver (or purposely avoid it), you’ll probably be on board with us when you see that the most fucked up shit about the Denver Airport lies within. Because once you see the Nostradamus LSD trip that lies inside, you’ll happily take your luggage outside and sit in below freezing temperatures to wait for your flight rather than be nestled inside Denver’s apocalyptic house of horrors slash airport.
If you’ll hold our hand first, let’s go inside and see what the haps… Oh, look who’s here to welcome us to Denver!
Just one of Satan’s minions popping out of a suitcase to welcome you, no biggie.
Along with horned devils greeting you at the door, the murals on the walls is also some cause for concern. The intricate art murals inside appear to tell a lovely story about Armageddon, except it’s less like a story and more like plans for global genocide to usher in a New World Order. It’s assumed this will all be orchestrated by the Illuminati and the art depicts a lot of people dying with a few elite species being protected inside ‘special containers.’ It totally reads like a cozy bedtime story written by Hitler.
Written on the floor by the murals is “AU-AG” which is a common symbol for gold AND a less common symbol for a deadly toxin called Australia Antigen, (a toxin that was discovered by one of the founders of the airport) insinuating that biological warfare will be the death cocktail of choice. Mayan symbols are also seen in the airport along with strange words in an unknown alien-like language on the floor and the Freemasons symbol on the time capsule (a group rumored to be a major part of the Illuminati). A well known, alleged Illuminati who goes by first the name, QUEEN, last name, OF ENGLAND, has also been buying property in bulk around the airport like it was on sale at Costco.
Elaine Chaney has her own apocalyptic horror show in the bathroom every time she eats an airport Cinnabon. Follow her with caution on Twitter or check out her non-Illuminati funded site at Shedens.com.