The 5 Best Cars to get Laid In

Car Sex

A WEEK OR SO AGO we took the summer interns out for lunch, to thank them for their tireless and heroic service, and wish them all the best during their final year at Vassar, or Sarah Lawrence, or Cornell, or whatever college grants four-year degrees in experimental poetry.

Since we hadn’t paid them, and often asked them to do degrading acts of research or send them to suburban alleys to pick up our medication, the least we could do was take them to Applebee’s for a free appetizer and unlimited Applebee’s Bahama Mamas.

The 5 Best Cars to get Laid In

So, as we hit the early evening, and the sugar and Malibu was sending us sideways, the conversation lapsed, as it is wont, into a discussion of sexual escapades. After indulging in the tropes of the discourse (strangest locale, multiple partners, asphyxiation) we came to the topic of vehicular intercourse.

Now, one may think that car sex is a thing of the past, anachronistic amour if you will. Kids all take public transit these days, or have sex by texting each other, or are asexual. Also, no one can afford a car anymore, let alone gas.

(Honestly, with the amount of Third World Muslim nations we invade for oil, you’d think the price would be a buck-a-gallon.)

But car sex is very much in vogue with the millenials, at least the ones who worked for Headshots this summer. They asked us what was the best car (including trucks, vans, Vespas etc.) to get laid on/in was.

After answering, “mine,” to both guffaws and discomfort, we were able to put together this list.

1. 1976 Volvo 200 Series Wagon

The 5 Best Cars to get Laid In

The Volvo wagons are the greatest vehicle known to man. There’s nothing you can’t get in it. It’s like the Amanda Bynes of cars. Headshots has owned no less than four. It’s where we first got to know Mrs. Headshots 3 and 5, Biblically.

The back seats easily fold down to make an extended bed where you can easily fit four adults, a Swedish midget with a digital camera, and a 16 liter pail of strawberry KY jelly.

Plus, they’re good on gas and retro stylish so you can pick up hipsters. And let me tell you, it’s hard enough to get a hipster in the back of a car, let alone get their paper bag dress off.

But they’re hot.

2. 1999 Honda Civic

The 5 Best Cars to get Laid In

Hondas are a lot like Headshots in our prime: We’re cheap, we’re a little small, and we can last forever.

The ‘90s Civics were among the top selling cars in the world, meaning that even if they weren’t the best car to get laid in, they were likely the one most frequently a rockin’.

But, surprisingly, it’s a great car for getting a roominess in her sedan. Plus, it’s fuel efficient so you can afford to go wherever you need to go to find a partner who will do you in a Honda.

And the back seat folds down and lies flush with the interior of the trunk, which provides a small, but sturdy, bed-like area to get the power of a full-size in your special someone’s subcompact.

3. 1967 VW Westfalia so42

The 5 Best Cars to get Laid In

There is no better vehicle on God’s green earth to get your business done in than a VW bus. Yes, there are beds in it, but that’s not the only reason. And it’s not just for former Deadheads following Phish around for the summer and going down on granola chicks in the captain’s seat.

The Westfalia oozes sex.

I defy you to get someone in a VW bus and not get laid. It’s unpossible.

Every piece of the bus is suggestive of not just sex, but good old fucking: Birch plywood interior panels, laminated plywood cabinetry for storage ice box or cold-box, water storage and pump, electrical hookups, screened jalousie, laminated folding table, attached “pop up” tops with canvas/screen sides, awnings and side tents, storage box which matches interior (not all girls can make that promise), rear swing table, small map table mounted on dash.

Man, we need a cigarette.

4. Ford F-150

The 5 Best Cars to get Laid In

Nothing is more manly, more masculine, more of an extension of a man, than a pickup truck, and an F-150 is the fuck yeah top dog of pickup world.

It’s the George Clooney of trucks.

And who wouldn’t all sexy up in George Clooney?

An F-150 says, “I like bourbon, and getting head, taking control, and driving you home in the morning before helping my cousin move. An F-150 allows you to get all loved up in the back of her cab, or stretching it out full in the bed. You haven’t lived until you’ve pulled an F-150 over in the dark of the woods, opened up her tailgate, and felt the pleasure of the extended cab.

5. 1950s Chrysler 300

The 5 Best Cars to get Laid In

This is the throwback selection, the retro choice. This ride says drive-ins, and make out points. It says steamed up windows and American ingenuity. It says skirts above heads, and Levis around the ankles, biting down on crucifixes on chains so as not to scream, Chuck Taylors pressed against the glass, Wolfman Jack on the radio, and church on Sundays.

This car is the fetishization of a virginal generation that got dirty and ungodly when the sun went down. If you can find your way into one of these, and then find your way into some young lovely, then you’ll truly know what it is to get laid in a car.

Of course, we know the Headshots demographic is broke, careless, and riding public transit. That’s okay. There’s noting wrong with getting a little ride in a subway car. As long as you’re quiet. And wear a condom.