So it’s the new year already and everyone’s all hopped up and in your Facebook with their Imma be so perfect now resolutions. Like how they’re eating their salads every lunch break, doing enough pre-office back exercises to whack out their sciatica, how they’re all vegan and in touch with their inner child’s Om, or HAVING THE TIME OF THEIR LIVES EVERY! FUCKING! SECOND! OF EVERY! FUCKING! DAY! (Yeah, those are the gaggiest. Like seriously? You’re telling me all that enthusiasm is genuine? Methinks it stinkeroos.)
These FB status brags are like a hundred times worse than the Christmastime newsletters from your rich cousins (“Hiya Fam! After we spent the month touring the wineries in Italy and built houses for the homeless in Rwanda and learned to construct then play our own violins in Basel…”) because they’re so ra-ra-ra-ME. Where is all this self-congratulation coming from? Are we in a marketing class together? Nyet. And how are we expected to respond, really, beyond the “like”? HOW AWESOME FOR YOU YOU ARE SO AWESOME? I guess?
Calm down, everyone! It’s just January. Some of us are broke, and it’s dark out, and leave me outta your jerking yourself off with your anti-depressant-manufactured joy.
Here’s the four worst braggy FB updates… THUS FAR.
1. I published a bestseller/Went on tour with Dave Matthews/Was in this awesome indie movie!
Fuck you. You told us via your Twitter/FB/Pinterest/Tumblr/blog every step of the way. We heard you already.
2. I traveled to NYC and danced all night! Every night for two months straight! OMG I’ve never felt this alive!
Fuck that Rumor Willis shit. Some of have some poorly paying jobs to attend to.
3. I cleansed regularly and I’ve never felt so good!
You know this is about colonics and I don’t want to know what kindsa tubes Russian ladies are snaking up your other hoohas. No really. I don’t care what your mac and cheese from eight months ago looks like now. I REALLY DON’T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THAT CUS IT’S SUPER RAUNCHY YO.
4. Gave birth/Got married/Here’s 673 pics of my new puppy!
Yay. Someone loves you.