College football is upon us, and we decided to do a little pre-season ranking of our own. Except we don’t care much about Xs and Os, so we did ours based entirely on douchiness. Get excited, because your school is probably on here.
20. Ohio State
Because at Ohio State, the players take underground benefits one step further by parlaying their fame into free tattoos. Some players get free SUVs. Most free blow jobs. Both of which might, might actually be worth getting suspended a few games for. Terrelle Pryor, however, gets free ink carved into his skin.
Because they have more active players in the NFL than teams like Oklahoma, Alabama, and Oregon and still can’t manage to ever win anything. Aaron Rodgers. Marshawn Lynch. Desean Jackson. Nnamdi Asomugha. Tony Gonzalez. No division I team has perennially done less with more.
Because it’s not as fun to watch when you can’t assume you could probably beat all those meatheads on the field in a spelling contest. Stanford can’t deny it — they’re to the gridiron what Duke is to the hardwood. Actually, they probably would deny it, state their case using sound logic and reasoning skills, and convince our tinier brains otherwise.
Because it’s not as fun to watch when you can’t assume you’re not going to hell like all those meatheads on the field, with their booze, and drugs, and date rape socials. BYU doesn’t have a code of conduct, they have an honor code. Somewhere in there it says you can’t bone your girlfriend. Ask Brandon Davies about it.
16. Iowa State
Because last year they ruined the national championship game when they upset Oklahoma State and allowed Alabama to play LSU again. We still haven’t forgotten.
Because Oregon somehow escapes the national lexicon of schools that are considered dirty despite the fact that they’ve already been caught paying off high school “scouting experts” unaffiliated with their program to steer high profile recruits to their campus. Oh yeah, and their main booster is Phil Knight, CEO of Nike.
Because they were dumb enough to hire one of the shadiest, douchiest active football coaches in Bobby Petrino, and dumber still to act all shocked and indignant when he did something shady and slept with one of his de facto underlings.
13. Boise State
Because it’s a good bet that Boise State will finish the regular season 11-0, featuring dominant conference wins over the likes of Colorado State, or Wyoming, and then complain about not getting selected to play in the national championship game.
Because their ballsy disregard for the NCAA was at least a little entertaining back when they were winning national championships every other year. Every sport needs a good villain, right? But now when one of them boosts your car stereo because you parked too close to Sun Life Stadium, it’s just sad.
11. Kansas State
Because now that Bill Snyder is back coaching, there’s at least a chance that K-State will re-emerge as a national power by running up the score on the five D-II teams they booked as their non-conference schedule.
Because it’s dumbfounding how popular dreadlocks are nowadays, and we’re pointing the finger at Clemson. We estimate their roster has the highest rate of dreadlock-per-player. Used to be, only Bob Marley had dreadlocks, and that was fine. Now every other cornerback and safety looks like homo sapien version of Predator.
9. Washington State
Because wherever Mike Leach goes, enmity follows. There’s no coach we’d hate to lose to more. His quick-passing, exploitation-based offensive schemes turn football into flag football. Even worse — they work, which just plain sucks. Playing against him his like playing against a bunch of camping assholes in Call of Duty.
Because they’re just begging for it. Their mascot is a kangaroo, but their name is the Zips — short for Zipper. Not the nifty little contraption that’s currently keeping it in your pants, but the rubber overshoe. A rubber overshoe is called a zipper, apparently. Out of all the team discrepancies between mascot and name, that’s easily the stupidest.
Because we’re not out of line in assuming every Georgia fan is exactly like this guy. And assuming every one of their recruits first makes a ridiculous, self-absorbed commitment ceremony—like this guy – then completes the Georgia circle of fuck-up by getting arrested.
And once again, for the nosebleed section
6. Whoever Wins The Big East
Don’t forget, the four-team playoff system that college football adopted won’t be applied until 2014, which means the BCS is still alive and kicking for two more years. Which means we still have to watch whoever wins the Big East get their balls stomped in by whoever they’re playing in a BCS bowl because, by rule, their conference champion gets an automatic bid.
Because they offered Lane Kiffin, a guy whose combined record with his two previous teams was 11-21, a cool four million dollars per year to coach them. The fact that he’s actually been successful doesn’t even justify it, because a certified retard could coach USC to an annual 10-3 record.
Probably about 85 percent of a college coaches success is based on recruiting, and when you’re at USC, you don’t even have to do that. What’s that? Beaches? Celebrities? Free room and board for my family? Sure I’ll play for USC!
4. Notre Dame
Because every year, college football analysts and Notre Dame fans both agree to forget all over again that it isn’t 1946 anymore, and Notre Dame is no longer a national powerhouse. DURR, but the mystique! DURR touchdown Jesus!
Okay, but what have you done for me lately? Lately as in the last two decades, or so? Oh, right, two bowl wins in twelve tries. Sorry, forgot about that. Enjoy your ungodly NBC contract.
Because unless you’re a street gang, a deaf person, or a deaf street gang, you look like a tool trying to use a hand signal to accomplish something, least of all pride in your team, as Texas does. It’s true, everything is bigger in Texas… and dumber.
Texas is to college football what Colombia is to the global drug trade — they’re unfairly powerful and undeservedly successful because of their location and natural resources.
Because they’re the sport’s newest mini dynasty, and that blows double because they already have like 15 national championships. You’ll find less people excited about the idea of Alabama competing for the national championship every year from now on than if tomorrow Florida rehired Steve Spurrier and the NCAA granted Tebow two more years of college eligibility at the same time.
1. West Virginia
Because out of all the programs listed, West Virginia’s players have best reason of all not to give two shits whether they win or lose. Why? The Princeton Review ranked them as the latest top party school in the nation.
Apparently Morgantown is the new South Beach. Y’know, minus the ocean, or the beach, or the sunny weather, or the breathing air that’s not tainted with coal dust. Party on, Mountaineers.