The 12 Days of Christmas-themed Smut

By Charlie Jones

During the 12 days of Christmas your lover might have gotten you a bunch of useless crap like bagpipes, rings and a crate-full of stupid birds (seriously, animals are like the worst gift ever. Fuck you, guy from the song) but even his failure at appropriate Christmas gift-giving fails in comparison to anyone who has ever purchased.

12. Mr. and Mrs. Claus Sex Gift Wrap

The 12 Days of Christmas-themed Smut

I don’t care if you have a genetically-engineered, nymphomaniac hybrid of Bar Refaeli and Olivia Munn wrapped under this. NOT having to look at old, fat people having sex is in itself the greatest Christmas gift of all.

11. Christmas Ornament with a Vibrating Cockring Inside

The 12 Days of Christmas-themed Smut

“O Christmas Tree! O Christmas Tree! Not even you are safe from the dark corners of humanity’s disturbed, sexual perversions… Oh, and your leaves are so unchanging.”

10. The X-Mas Tuggie

The 12 Days of Christmas-themed Smut

Given that pants and all manner of underwear are things that exist, I must assume that this candy cane-patterned fuzzy sock for your Captain Courageous is the first holiday product targeted specifically at flashers and public masturbators.

9. The Boobie Christmas Stocking

The 12 Days of Christmas-themed Smut

This is clearly a scrotum.

8. McFarlane Toys’ Mrs. Clause

The 12 Days of Christmas-themed Smut

This on the other hand is blatant false advertising. The figure looks NOTHING like the picture on the box.

7. Screw Santa

The 12 Days of Christmas-themed Smut

A true gem in the Siren Publishing ManLove line of books, Screw Santa tells the tale of 12 elves who leave the North Pole to look for some sweet, kinky male loving. But what one of them, the elf named Horse, ends up finding instead is a serious relationship with Bren, an Illinois detective who in turn finds his more submissive side in the arms of his elf lover.

Wait, what?!

6. This Isn’t Christmas Vacation: The XXX Parody

The 12 Days of Christmas-themed Smut

Christmas porn parodies have by now become little more than an exercise in holiday-themed punnery, from Miracle on 69th Street all the way to The Bitch That Stole Christmas. So, if there is something to be said about this porn parody of National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, it’s that it’s at least being straightforward with us… while it mercilessly shoves its dick into our beloved Christmas family movie.

5. Bondage Boutique Christmas Gift Set

The 12 Days of Christmas-themed Smut

Includes: Christmas-themed shibari bondage rope, leather ball gag, suede flogger whip, velvet handcuffs, a blindfold and feather tickler. Bottle of chloroform and ski mask sold separately.

4. The Candy Cane Hide-A-Vibe Vibrator

The 12 Days of Christmas-themed Smut

What is wrong with some people?

3. The Santa Vibrator

The 12 Days of Christmas-themed Smut

In answer to my previous question: THIS. This is exactly what’s wrong with some people. Look, being sexually attracted to Santa Clause isn’t all that weird… OK, it is, but it’s actually more common than you might think. Still, it doesn’t mean you have to satisfy your Yuletide fetish by actually jamming Santa up your ladyparts or male-backdoor. Just do what normal people do: pay an unemployed, desperate fat man to prostitute himself to you in a Santa costume.

2. The Santa Vibrator (Strikes Back)

The 12 Days of Christmas-themed Smut

Hey, look, another Santa Clause vibrator. This is why the terrorists hate us, you know. Luckily, in the realm of Christmas-themed objects people want to pleasure themselves with, it just cannot get weirder than a Santa-shaped penis rocket.

Aaaand cue the last entry.

1. The Christmas I Rub My Duckie

The 12 Days of Christmas-themed Smut

This is a rubber ducky vibrator draped in a Santa suit that people use to bring themselves to orgasms. Huh, guess this is why suicide rates skyrocket around Christmas. I mean, if you ever happen to find yourself jamming a Santa Duck-shaped vibrator into your genitals around Christmas time, you cannot help but get the feeling that somewhere, somehow, your life has went terribly, terribly wrong. And you’d be right.

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Related on The Smoking Jacket:
5 Christmas Presents That Will Get You Laid 
Is Santa Claus Incompetent? 

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