OUR DARK MASTER, while busy with such things as the upcoming 2012 destruction, reality TV, and Chris Brown’s downward spiral, still has had the time to create quite a film career for himself. These are some of his most memorable movie appearances.
1. The Devil’s Advocate
The great Al Pacino takes on the role of Satan in this ’90s masterpiece. As Lucifer works in mysterious ways, he somehow saw it fit to trick studio executives into believing Keanu Reeves has it upstairs enough to play a believable attorney. Reeves’ attorney character gets a sweet job offer to work for a New York law firm. His new boss John Milton (Pacino) seems like any other boss in a business setting… including the fact that he is the living embodiment of Satan.
Brendan Fraser long ago sold the Devil his soul AND his hair to make The Mummy franchise. Another part of this wicked contract was that Fraser had to star in a movie with a devil concept. And because the devil is extremely fucked up… he wanted the part of himself to be played by Elizabeth Hurley, so he could masturbate to himself.
3. Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny
Anyone and everyone with the inherent ability to rock, be it guitar shredding, vocal brain explosion or tearing up some drums also has the ability to portray a convincing Satan. Case in point: Dave Grohl. He assumes the skin of the devil in the Tenacious D movie and battles the D for their souls, as well as K.G.’s ass virginity. While the Devil laid down a tasty groove, he still fell short against the cerebrum-shattering rock of J.B. and K.G.
4. Little Nicky
Harvey Keitel brought his particular brand of greasy grit to the role of Lucifer in the Adam Sandler movie Little Nicky. He gave us a glimpse into the devil’s horny side and made us believe that the devil was kind of like a drunk uncle at a holiday gathering. He manages to bang an angel, played by the heavenly Reese Witherspoon.
But not even all the might of Hell’s ruler can make Adam Sandler funny again.
5. The Witches of Eastwick
We’re pretty sure that Jack Nicholson could make a demon release his bowels in fear, so this role came natural to Jack. He showed us that Satan likes to have a good time on this planet and because it was Jack freakin’ Nicholson, the representation of Beezlebub in this movie had some serious swag. We’re also pretty sure that if Jack took the devil for a night on the town, he would end up crying like a frightened child by the end of it.
6. Angel Heart
Robert De Niro plays a fantastic Satan in Angel Heart. This just makes sense. It’s almost like De Niro channeled the pure unfiltered evil necessary to play the devil, through his De Niro mole. De Niro’s character in Taxi Driver would make Satan himself say, “WOW, that guy is fucked up!” It was also a good fit due to the fact that you wouldn’t want to owe De Niro or the devil money.
Satan probably hates movies with Keanu Reeves, so having him face off against Reeves in the movie Constantine was a natural fit for Peter Stormare. It has long been foretold that in the violent seventh circle of Hell described in Dante’s Inferno, that lost souls are forced to endure nothing but a constant loop of Keanu’s entire body of work. The screams are said to echo in the forest every time the Bill and Ted sequel comes on.
8. The Prophecy
Viggo Mortensen can play Aragorn, one of the most proclaimed good guys of all time, but the guy can also lay it down as the living embodiment of pure evil. He takes on the role of Satan in the movie The Prophecy. This movie also has Christopher Walken as Gabriel, which is great since Walken always seemed like a guy who probably has the devil’s contact information on speed dial.
Tim Curry has a wide array of characters he can play. From the cross-dressing, to a psychotic nightmare clown — he has a special ability to bring the creepy. He took on the role of the dark lord in the epic Legend. This movie also stars Tom Cruise, and as we all know, the devil is a huge fan of Tom Cruise. The Fallen One is still pretty down about what happened to Goose in Top Gun.
10. South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut
Trey Parker’s imagining of Satan is probably the most accurate. He captures the true evil that obviously dwells within this icon of evil and destruction. Parker also adds depth to the character by revealing Lucifer’s soft side. And this movie was one of the first to dive into the devil’s sex life, showing us that even though he really loves Saddam Hussein, he doesn’t want to be viewed simply as a sex object. Even Hell’s king would like a little romance from time to time!