Man vs. Fair: One Man’s Attempt to Eat All Eight of the Texas State Fair Fried Food Finalists and Not Die

America has a large problem (both figuratively and spatially) with obesity, a condition that is also causing rising diabetes diagnoses, heart problems and chronic nausea brought on by having to stare at pimply muffin tops poking out of undersized jeans.

And despite all of these rising signs of a serious need for change, pockets of America continue to not only ignore these fatalistic symptoms of appetites that cannot be fed, but also find new ways to defy Death in his grim, cold face by taking a big, wet, sloppy bite out a large deep fried something on a stick (that may or may not have included part of the actual stick).

Every year, deep in the heavily calcified, cholesterol clogged heart of Texas, their annual State Fair in Dallas not only encourages the public to stick a big flipping bird in the face of their cardiologist by indulging in the most deep fried, fat laden treats known to mankind, they also give out awards for the “best” ones. This is the fair that gave the world the Fried Twinkie and the Fried Oreo and still said, “Come on, y’all, we can do better than this. Anyone ever thought of deep frying beer?”

So in order to understand why these things keep showing up year after year at fairgrounds and on future chest X-rays, I ventured out to Fair Park on a crisp clear Autumn day and voluntarily ate all eight of the fried food finalists, along with a much needed deep fried creation of my own. My reviews of the finalists are listed below in the order I consumed them and if you read them backwards, they are listed in the order that they were vomited out in the fairground’s parking lot in front of a family of four just as they were about to enjoy a day at the Fair.

El Baranarito

If I were on the Texas State Fair Tasting Board (presuming because I’ve been sentenced to die by the state and Rick Perry needs to hurry my death up to score another notch in his oversized belt to win the Republican nomination), this would actually be the thing I would award the grand prize to because it makes sense, which is probably the nicest complement you can give to something that’s deep fried in liquid fat and normally served to people who are made entirely out of liquid cheese.

It’s a deep fried banana (peel off of course, although the contest is young) served up as a banana split but the crispy fried layer actually gives it a nice texture that enhances it’s natural flavor. So basically the only thing that’s missing is the fried ice cream, which I immediately regret writing because I’m sure it’s given someone a very bad idea that will probably be weaponized by one of our enemy countries.

Buffalo Chicken Flapjacks (Winner: Best Taste)

The name sounded bizarre to me because it sounded like it should be some kind of Texas delicacy, but not even the local bait shop guy who drinks gravy and calls it “meat milk” would think up something so horrendous. Then it hit me (a feeling that may or may not have been the start of a heart attack): the pancake and sausage on a stick. Someone actually looked at that and thought they could actually “improve” on the idea by frying the whole thing.

It took forever to get to the center of it. That in and of itself should be a dietary guideline recommended, nay, ordered by the FDA: if it takes more bites to the center of it than it takes licks to the center of a Tootsie Pop, put it down and call the CDC. By the time I got to the chicken, I was still trying to fight the taste of the greasy fry-ness that was making my tongue wonder what it did to anger me so.

Fried Pineapple Upside Down Cake

At this point, I was actually looking forward to getting some actual nutrients in me and the prospect of cake, a fried-idea that isn’t that insane if you called your Congressman to lobby to have Froot Loops included on the Fruits and Vegetables level of the Food Pyramid, sounded like a plan.

Unfortunately, this was just a slice of pineapple dipped in batter, covered with cake staple coverings like whipped cream and a cherry and simply called “cake” to get seven tickets out of the customer. It’s the only time I ever thought to myself that if they bothered to put cheese on it, it might be worth the extra price.

Fried Bubblegum (Winner: Most Creative)

My tummy was starting to rumble and not just because of the umpteen calories I crammed into it but also because I was about to face the “Most Creative” entry, which is always some bizarre food stuff fried and then fried again and served simply for shock value, the shock being the one you get from eating it and then the one later you get from the paramedics’ mobile defibrillator.

This one’s also rather misleading. It’s not bubblegum, but rather a bubblegum flavored marshmallow that’s fried, covered with a hot blue icing and garnished with Chiclets. I’m sure it’s what diabetes would taste like if God gave it a flavor. The texture just makes it harder to finish. It’s like eating a hot water balloon filled with some kind of sickly-sweet jelly. Between the color, the taste and the horrid feeling it produces inside you, it’s the culinary equivalent of a Debbie Gibson album.

Walking Taco

Believe it or not, one of the entries of this year’s “Colon Blow Challenge” wasn’t dipped into a deep frier. It actually had (gasp!) vegetables! For a split second, I actually thought to myself “Glenn Beck was right! The commies are taking over!” as I tried to hold back what may or may not have been something trying to crawl out of my esophagus.

The paranoia subsided when I saw the actual ingredients. It’s basically your standard taco fillings (ground meat, cheese, lettuce, tomato) but instead of the traditional shell, it’s served in a Big Grab Doritos bag with the cheesy chips crumbled up for your chewing pleasure. Out of all of the entries, it’s the one thing that tasted most like the thing it was trying to replicate and given the fact that the food actually had vitamins, it wasn’t that bad but it felt like something concocted by a stoner who, by the grace of Almighty God, ran out of Funyuns on the day he created it.

Hans Kraut Balls

Once again, I was actually looking forward to eating something mildly organic at the Fair this year, which is like looking forward to the frozen hot dog that the Apollo 13 astronauts had to eat after six days in sub-freezing temperatures. Still, beggars can’t be choosers, especially since actual beggars wouldn’t eat most of this stuff (true story: at last year’s fair, a homeless guy walked up to me asking for change. I offered him what was left of my absolutely horrid Fried Beer, last year’s “Most Creative” winner, and he turned it down as if I offered him a big bowl of liquid herpes.)

Of course, deep frying sauerkraut is almost a good idea. Sauerkraut is great if you’re eating with it a ball park hot dog or a big plate of German sausage at an outdoor Oktoberfest. But by itself, it makes seaweed seem like a better entree choice. Frying it not only sucked all the flavor out of it, but just turned it into a soggy kelpy squid in my mouth, which is just the kind of thing my stomach wants as it’s trying to keep order in the midst of a Civil War of Upchucking.

Fried Autumn Pie

At this point, I know the food I’ve eaten thus far isn’t going to make it out of Fair Park through the natural process of digestion but I press myself to carry on by chugging a bottle of water and taking a nice, long walk to burn off what I’ve already digested. To say that it, like most of the fried food ideas at the fair, wasn’t a good idea would be an understatement.

The “Autumn Pie,” known to the rest of the country as simply pumpkin pie, wasn’t a bad idea. In fact, it was actually quite tasty, even if you’re the sort of chap who doesn’t enjoy a good squashed and spiced pumpkin. Unfortunately, I didn’t have time to enjoy it because my guts wanted to immediately leave my body and stage some kind of “Unocuppy Danny” protest in the streets.

Fried Salsa

I’m nearing the finishing lane, the holy Valhalla of vomit, the Promised Land of Pepto and I’m limping the entire way. I know that whatever I’m about to put in my body next won’t be welcomed favorably, whether it’s a juicy roast beef po-boy from my favorite sandwich shop or a deep fried hunk of motor oil coated in Gumout.

I’m pretty sure that if it was the first thing on the menu, I wouldn’t have enjoyed it any more. It’s hard to describe why someone thought frying salsa would be a good idea, but eating it is even more difficult. The only possible way I can think of it to review it (and this is a biased opinion thanks to my gurgling stomach) is after I took a bite, my first thought was “I’m really not glad I just ate that.” The only positive part of the experience was that there was a garbage can just out of reach and that I didn’t puke in the baby stroller that just narrowly avoided wandering through the range of my “vomit arch”.

Of course, after a day like this, there is only one way to seek relief from it and even though it failed miserably, it gave me an idea for a sure-fire winner for next year’s fair, short of being able to deep fry self-respect and dignity and sell it on a stick.