It is true. My last name is Sweat. It is also true that Gatorade and Nike birthed and named me so I can talk about sports. Is that my only qualifications to do so? Yes. And that’s the only one I need.
Some recent happenings in sports…
1. Paulina Gretzky and Hot Caddy Marketing
Being a professional golfer has to be one of top five jobs in the world, for the mere fact that golfers play a sport that everyone plays WHEN THEY RETIRE. Their job is a luxury retirement activity! Process that. It’s insane. And they make a shit ton of money doing it.
But one thing golf doesn’t have going for it is sexiness. There’s nothing sexy about it. Preppy-looking dudes whacking balls on grass. Nothing. Sexy. Which brings me to my genius marketing idea: If a golfer had a Hot Caddy, she would bring ridiculous amount of new kinds of sponsorship and money to the team. Viagra. New Balance. Victoria’s Secret. I’m surprised a lower-ranked golfer hasn’t thought of it. (I’m looking right at you, Frank Adams the 3rd).
The closest thing to anything being sexual about golf is spotting the girlfriends and wives of these golfers. And it’s well-known that golfer’s main squeezes are fucking smoking hot. If you see a professional golfer, just know they are baking goods in a premium oven, a oven you can’t buy or even get close to.
So when Dustin Johnson shows up to the Masters, everyone is all like “YAY!” But not for him. No, no. We all go, “YAY!” because the dude is currently dating Wayne Gretzky’s smoking hot daughter, Paulina.
It has to feel good to know your juice can produce a gem like this.
In a sport filled with middle-aged khaki-ed men watching wrinkly old men hitting balls, Paulina Gretzky is a beacon of light. For the many things Wayne Gretzky has produced, this has to be his most glorious achievement. It has to feel fucking good to know your great juice can produce a great gem like this. Her presence at a golf event makes news. All the men love to see such hotness in a rather male dominated, semi-boring and slow sport.
And this goes back to my main point: Dustin should put Paulina on the bag. Who cares if she doesn’t know dick about golf. Dustin should be just fine without a knowledge caddy. He will be better off reaping the sponsorship/money opportunities that a move like this would create. If Dustin Johnson did that, he would make me actually care about Dustin Johnson. I imagine many men would feel the same way.
2. Big Chief! The 20th Anniversary of The Sandlot
One of the best baseball movies was released 20 years ago: The Sandlot. Just thinking about it makes me nostalgic for the ’90s (something no one should be nostalgic for). Being eight years old when it was released, The Sandlot was a real gem in my youth. It’s a glorious coming of age story wrapped in a classic, timeless game filled with colorful characters that stand the test of time. There’s something about The Sandlot, which was set in the summer on 1962, that doesn’t age.
And there will always be Wendy Peffercorn…Wendy. Peffercorn.
3. Reason To Never Go Outside: Watch Hot Girls Doing Yoga
Will this get you motivated to work out? Probably not. If anything, it will motivate you to quit your job, divorce your wife, say fuck no to custody, close the blinds and never leave your house again. (Masturbation.)
4. An Appreciation For Jalen Rose
I’m not sure when I started loving Jalen Rose. But I do. I didn’t at first. I didn’t hate him, I just thought he was “milk toast,” middle-of-the-road, nothing unique.
But I was wrong. From Grantland to NBA Countdown, I find his presence comforting, a homey feel. He’s unpolished, shoots from the hip, a wild card, a fan and I get it now; I connect with him. His stories utilize a great sense of timing and a unique set of word choices that separates him from “just another basketball personality.” His stories are addictive and entertaining because their loose, lucid, and you know they’re coming straight from the gut. It’s the same spirit that makes Charles Barkley and Kenny Smith great. Bill Simmons knows he has a gem in Jalen. We hope Jalen stays around telling tales, telling it straight for a long time.
Kobe Bryant Scores 81
Jalen Ditches a Taxi in Europe
5. The Floppies: Here’s the Most Ridiculous NBA Flops This Season (Sports Illustrated)
The NBA has tried to clean up the act of “faking a foul” with various fines; fines that are a mere fraction of a fraction of the salary these players make. A Rolex watch fine.
The act of flopping is counting on human error in the form of the ref where human error is very great. This type of deception is terrible for entertainment where one can see, rewind, slow down every play to know that the SOB was faking it. It’s terrible for the NBA entertainment and business; fans hate it and the NBA knows it. What can be done, you say? Not much. Bigger fines, I guess? It feels like a lost cause. There is no doubt that the NBA has become soft, and safety-concerned, where the slightest touch of hand has becoming reviewable for a flagrant. This plays into why flopping works and fools ref. Anxious to call anything that “appears” rough. I hate when soccer players do it. I hate when basketball players do it. It needs to stop. But it won’t. So fuck it…
Let’s visit the, what I assume to be, chain-smoking-drug-using-euro-dance-club-hopping king of flops: Vlade Divac.
6. Larry Doby: Lost in Jackie’s Shadow (SB Nation)
Every season, April 15th marked Jackie Robinson Day. A glorious day where we celebrate the triumphant feat of Jackie busting the white man chops and breaking into the major leagues. But many people don’t even know who Larry Doby is and that’s a shame. Only 11 weeks after Jackie signed with the Dodgers, Larry Doby signed with the Indians. Becoming the 1st African American in the American League. He had to deal with all the same bigotry shit that Jackie had to go through in 1947. But no one talks about Larry Doby: A 7 time All-Star with 253 career homers. It’s ridiculous that we don’t celebrate Larry Doby with Jackie. The annual Jackie celebration in Major League Baseball really should be Jackie Doby Day.