While the rest of us look forward to a few days off here and there to enjoy the beautiful summer weather, an entire segment of the adult population is knee deep in 12 weeks of no work. We’re speaking, of course, about teachers.
It should come as no surprise that we’ve got education on the mind, either. This Friday, the new film Bad Teacher opens in theaters, and we’ve been looking forward to checking it out since we first saw the trailer a few months ago. And with summer finally here, it got us wondering what kind of vacation a teacher with a bad streak, like Cameron Diaz’s character in Bad Teacher, might consider taking.
It took nearly all of our travel budget, but we finally found seven ideal places to have fun this summer while still, like, learning and shit. We also found places to get wasted, beforehand, for… like, learning and shit.
1. The Museum of Bad Art – Dedham, Massachusetts, U.S.A
There’s crap everywhere at the Museum of Bad Art (M.O.B.A.). Not only is it filled to the rafters with some of the most delightfully horrific excuses for “art” that one could ever hope to see, but it’s also located right by the Men’s room at an old-timey movie theater.
It’s definitely the ideal place to go for art teachers hoping to unwind after nine months of seeing horrible school drawings that serve as a daily reminder of how very little good use they’re putting that art degree to.
The ambient sounds of flushing urinals and groaning men-with-bad-prostates provides a fitting backdrop to these artistic abominations. These pieces really stretch the boundaries of the word “subjective.”
Before You Go, Get Drunk At: TGI Friday’s
Another ideal location for standing outside a men’s room while staring at awful crap on the walls, T.G.I. Friday’s is located just a half-mile from M.O.B.A. Plus, if Office Space has taught us anything (which it hasn’t), it’s that T.G.I.F. waitresses are just dying to get hit on. If you can’t build a rocking vacation around horny waitresses and a selection of average tap beers, you should probably just stay home.
2. Ski Dubai – Mall of the Emirates, Dubai
Entrepreneurial teachers who embezzled their school’s entire field trip fund will probably want to blow it in the most outlandish area on Earth: Dubai. But why endure all that heat? Can’t Dubai build some sort of climate control dome? Funny you asked, because, yes, they can.
Can it also be lit like a creepy alien spacecraft? Yes, it can.
Ski Dubai is an enormous indoor ski resort, and a testament to rich oil barons who are desperate to blow their money before their nation returns to being a big pile of sand.
Awesome, it looks like a giant robot poo. Wait a few years and Dubai will likely have another building that can turn into a robot and then poop out ski resorts. The rest of the Middle East may be in chaos, but for partying reasons, we hope Dubai makes it through unscathed. They really know how to go overboard. We can appreciate that, even if our liver can’t.
Before You Go, Get Drunk At: St. Moritz Cafe
Although alcohol is widely available throughout Dubai, don’t risk getting your drunk ass kidnapped (hey, we’ve seen Indiana Jones. It happens). There are many restaurants in Ski Dubai that will allow you to get liquored up so it doesn’t hurt as much when you drunkenly break your leg on the slopes.
3. Jules Undersea Lodge – Key Largo, Florida, U.S.A.
Teachers will need a good place to hide from the bevy of angry, armed students they flunked. What better place than underwater? Jules Undersea Lodge answers the question, “what is it like to sink to a watery grave” without all the unpleasant suffocation.
This is from their website. Apparently, it’s a good idea to watch a film about people losing their shit underwater while you’re with a whole bunch of other people underwater.
We’d imagine that staying here would make us constantly feel like we have to pee. Also, you probably want to pack well because there’s no ducking out to the lobby for a toothbrush. Although, how you’re supposed to get your luggage down there without it getting wet, we don’t know.
Before You Go, Get Drunk At: Caribbean Club
The setting for an old Humphrey Bogart flick, Caribbean Club is loaded with memorabilia. Ideally, you will get so drunk here that you can swim to your underwater hotel, thus avoiding the always-expensive “check-in.” Because everyone knows, there is no safer combination on Earth than drinking and swimming.
4. Museum of Questionable Medical Devices – St. Paul, Minnesota, U.S.A.
Teachers get their methods questioned all day long. So they love to relax and see that even doctors can be untrustworthy quacks. For example, what you see above is a picture of a “constipation relief” device. Who knew dildos had such beneficial off-label uses?
Here’s a device that you stick your feet in and get bombarded with radioactive rays. What all-important purpose could this serve? Measuring your shoe size, of course. Your shoe size probably needs to keep being measured as the giant lump in your foot grows.
Here’s a foot-powered breast enlarger. The creators made $40 million on this product, which causes more bruises than a teething baby.
Before You Go, Get Drunk At: The Liffey Irish Pub
If you’re going to spend the afternoon examining different things old-timey doctors would stick on people’s privates, you’re going to need to get drunk. Irish drunk. This authentic pub is just a short stumble away from the Museum, and is probably a great place to ask people if they’ve ever used a rectal rotor.
5. A.C. Gilbert’s Discovery Village – Salem, Oregon, U.S.A.
Sometimes teachers have kids. These kids can’t come back from summer vacation and be all “I spent the whole time in my backyard while mommy napped.” So they’ve got to be taken somewhere educational. This site might be the only place that successfully combines fun with learning, unless you count getting stoned and watching the Discovery Channel, which we absolutely do.
How much of a party is Discovery Village? Well, there’s a place where you can freeze your shadow, if that tells you anything.
Be sure to only use this for intensely creepo purposes.
It also helps if you are too young to know what “fun” is. Or really, really drunk. Speaking of which…
Before You Go, Get Drunk At: Magoo’s Sports Bar
The surrounding area has tons of cool places to get your drink on. There’s even a bar built into an old treasury building. But if you’re going to Discovery Village, you no doubt are getting dragged there by your snot-nosed, undisciplined kids. So here’s a place you can take them without getting funny looks.
6. Wizard Quest – Wisconsin Dells, Wisconsin, U.S.A.
Thanks to Pokemon and Harry Potter running rampant through classrooms, it is now socially acceptable to make your young children into total nerdbombs. Wizard Quest is a fully-interactive computerized A.R.G. You wander through a labyrinth solving puzzles and talking to dragons and generally living the early stages of a wedgie-filled existence.
This would probably be an ideal place for squarebear teachers who enjoy going on mystical quests and solving puzzles. We imagine this is where Jaime from “Stand and Deliver” goes to chill.
But if you’re going to be stumbling through a confusing lair riddles with passages, why not leave some drunk throw up in a few secret areas?
Before You Go, Get Drunk At: Nig’s Bar
That’s right, in Wisconsin there are so few black people that they can actually name a bar after an offensive slang for blacks. We hope this name wasn’t intentional, and that the sign maker was just too drunk to spell “GIN” correctly.
On second thought, don’t drink here. No good can come from making the scene at a joint called “Nig’s.” Maybe there’s another T.G.I.Friday’s in the neighborhood.
7. Holy Land Experience – Orlando, Florida, U.S.A.
After spending nine months teaching evolution, teachers need a place to forget about it all. Apparently there was some guy named Jesus who invented some new wine fermentation process or something. We think the guy in the above picture is covered in wine. Jesus got popular enough to have his own theme park. It celebrates the life and architecture of 1st century A.D. Guess what? That period of time was exceptionally boring, which is why the park was once $8 million in the hole.
Our friend Annie Gaus went on a bender and stumbled into the Holy Land Experience with a camera. From the looks of it, even Jesus is fed up with the traditional garb of the 1st Century, and is ready to be a heavy metal drummer.
Do they sell rocks here?
This is definitely not the place to go to unless you’ve been chugging communion wine…
Before You Go, Get Drunk At: Village Tavern
Did they have village taverns in Jesus’ time? Or did he have to smuggle his communion wine in a cola bottle?
We certainly hope these places provide a great place for even the worst teachers to relax. Because, believe us, nothing’s more awkward than running into your 50-year-old teacher in a bikini at the lake. Porno lied to us.
Bad Teacher is in theaters this Friday, June 24. Check out the trailer below.