Zach Snyder movies piss off more film critics than all of M. Night Shyamalan’s work combined. 300, Watchmen and that delightful owl movie that was in 3-D… yep, all him. Yet, unlike M. Night, people regularly show up in droves to see his films—and, more importantly, they don’t come out disappointed (by-and-large).

Take Snyder’s latest effort, Sucker Punch. The words “abomination” and “blatant, misguided male fantasy” have already been associated with it. This is what it now means to be a man in today’s society. You make a movie seemingly just for guys and, TA-DA! Suddenly, you’re a sexist, chauvinistic, cretinous ass-munch. How do you explain that owl movie then?

Similarly, we have a comedy troupe comprised of Blaxploitation legends and one family who was singularly responsible for over 50% of all comedy in the 90s, the Wayans. Keenan Ivory Wayans reshaped comedy and all of popular culture with his hit TV show, In Living Color, giving us an endless list of comedic talent who still entertain us today. Roger Ebert said of Wayans’ I’m Gonna Git You, Sucka, “it is almost completely incapable of being funny.” Ouch. And, not even remotely true. In fact, it is Roger Ebert that is almost completely incapable of being funny.

So, who wins? A viscerally virulent visual spectacle with a full house of honeys, or an original screenplay featuring NFL Hall of Famer Jim Brown, the most quotable Chris Rock line of all time and Chef from South Park? Slam some Cosmo shooters with a malt liquor back and let’s get started…

Occupation

• Private Dancers
• BBQ Specialists

I’m Gonna Git You Sucka: Bad girls have their place, and while that place is in just about every guy’s heart, we never really see the girls dance. Conversely, Hammer’s BBQ ribs are so good, you can’t have just one… or his FOOT will have to surgically be removed from YOUR ASS!

Wardrobe

• Paramilitary rollergirl-style uniforms and thigh-highs
• Daddy Mack P-I-M-P

I’m Gonna Git You Sucka: Sure, the skimpy armed forces uniforms and girls with guns totally hooked us into seeing Sucker Punch. But, truth be told, we’ve seen them worn waay better here on TSJ. Flippin’ the script, the often imitated, never duplicated pimp outfit worn by Antonio Fargas (aka Huggy Bear) is so fly, it’s an icon yet to be outdone. Goldfish swimming inside of your platform shoes? Fly. The fact they’re still alive after 10 years of incarceration? Superfly.

Sexuality

• Five scantily clad ladies with large phallic objects kicking ass
• Four dudes

Sucker Punch: Babydoll, Rocket, Amber, Blondie and Sweet-Pea? You have our undivided attention. Please let us also not ignore the shapely Carla Gugino.

Signature Move

• A dance by Baby Doll so enchanting that all her male viewers are completely captivated
• Every ‘real hero’ has his own theme music

Sucker Punch: While Isaac Hayes did actually win an Oscar for the theme from Shaft (used liberally in Sucka) in Punch, Baby Doll’s signature move is so enticing, she enters another reality, baring her midriff and kicking total ass in a myriad of ways and weaponry.

Mortal Combat

• A seemingly endless arsenal of hot arse and hot lead
• Hard hitting punchlines and a gunny sack of well-greased guns

Sucker Punch: Kaaa-BAM! It was boys against girls and the girls just won, but Punch is all about kicking ass, while Sucka was all about intentionally making an ass of itself. In a post-Matrix world, it’s all about new, inventive ways to kill the antagonists—and looking your damnedest doing it. These reform school girls get an A+.

Sucker Punch: Grrrl Powa! With a send-up like it was given at the beginning, you would think Sucka would win the day, instead at 5-4, Sucker Punch delivered the final hay-maker to claim victory. Sure, the OGs have their place, but watching the film in its entirety can be a little sluggish. Meanwhile, Sucker Punch has enough motion and moxie to hold up even when watching it 23 years from now. Could there ever be a Wayans/Snyder mash-up? Dare to dream, boys and girls.