Before Twitter was invented, we had to settle with no one reading our aimless ramblings. We resorted to diaries and patient friends to spill out things that no one cared about. Now, thanks to the art of the Tweet, we can say useless things to the entire world, as many times as we want, with the only limit being 140 characters and the ability to regulate our own egos.
Twitter trends are words or phrases that are used a lot on Twitter. One percent of the time, these phrases are funny or insightful. The other 99% of the time, they are the most ignorant, repetitive things you will ever see. Trends are a literal wall of people who have become lost in their own worlds – these worlds being dark, ugly places where whoever misspells the most wins, and you tag your favorite rapper/actor in a post, hoping that maybe they’ll take the time from doing things that they actually care about to see your Tweet and say “Wow. I appreciate this.”
And so we look into the blackness and pull out a few gems from these trends, and hope, maybe, that our souls are forgiven in the end.
We are paranoid. #Don’tBeMadAtMeBecause says to the world, “Hey, if you don’t like it, you can get over it.” The problem here is, we weren’t mad at you in the first place, anonymous person. Do you have money or a good relationship or a happy lifestyle? Great. Keep on with it. The people who post in this trend live fearing that, whenever ever they have success, there is someone out there watching and hating them for it. They can’t get a paycheck without imagining a man with binoculars saying “Shit. I knew that I should’ve applied for that concession stand job. And now Bill is getting it? I really don’t like Bill.”
We are passive aggressive. #iReallyHateWhenPeople lets your followers know that you hate something that people do, but won’t tell it to their faces. So, rather than not being an anti-social weirdo, you decide to spill it to the entire universe, because nothing helps solve a problem more than aimless yelling into a digital microphone.
The people who post in this trend have roommates who don’t do the dishes, a boyfriend who sleeps with other women and parents who turn into yelling, super-beasts whenever breathing occurs. And, since they don’t have a way to avoid conversation and skip right to telekinetically imposing their will upon others, they beat on their keyboards, frustrated that when they like vanilla, there are other people who might prefer chocolate, or better yet, not talking to them at all.
We are obsessed with what celebrities do. Chris Brown was famous for singing and then beating the shit out of Rihanna. Usually something like this would go unnoticed, but since the guy who performed “Run It,” “I Can Transform Ya,” and “She Aint You” did it, immediately we take notice and decide that somehow it does matter more than it would than in the hundreds of other cases of domestic violence that happen every day.
We are very, very lonely. #ARealBoyfriend was made up of women who’d never talked to a man before, and men who had talked to a woman once, and were yearning for a round two. The best part about this trend is that, while the women are just lonely, the men are so desperate to get laid that they’ve resorted to writing, non-confrontationally, about how great they are online in order to simply have sex. This is the equivalent of what the cavemen did when they wanted a woman, which was to go to random rocks around the tribal cave and draw massive penises on them. We’re not sure if that last part is 100% historically accurate but what is accurate is that the guys who post in #ARealBoyfriend won’t be that great of a boyfriend. The tag would better read #sadpleaselistentomeihavemalesexorgans.
We have our priorities in the wrong place. If you posted with the tag #10twitterpeopleIwouldliketomeet, you need to re-evaluate your options in this whole “life” thing. While, logically it should read #lonelyhelpme, this trend shows just how out of touch we are with reality. Ten Twitter people? Does this mean that you like someone’s observations on the McRib so much that you want to have lunch with them, or that you want to meet someone famous, but only on Twitter? We hope the latter isn’t true, as we’d like to meet Abraham Lincoln eventually, but, if it was over Twitter, most of the conversation would be him screaming “What the hell is a computer?”
We’re stuck in the past. The 90’s were pretty cool. We had a decent president, there were a lot of good television shows and if someone said the word “nuclear apocalypse,” we probably would’ve thought that it was a new band. However, this trend, rather than give people the chance to show off their wit, allows people to simply list things that happened in the ‘90s. That’s right. Out of every twenty people who use this tag, four will say “Friends,” two will say some sort of superhero cartoon, five will be retweets of whatever Tyler Perry had to say, three will be a fresh Monica Lewinsky joke, one will be making fun of the trend itself, two will be another kind of cartoon and the last three will be some sort of social/political situation that no one remembers but them. #inthe90’s is only relevant because most people on Twitter are too young to remember anything before 1992 and don’t have the drive to pursue anything that doesn’t orbit around their own selfishness.
We are vain. One thing about you? Who cares? We don’t go up to strangers in real life and say “Hey, we write jokes for the Internet. That’s one thing. Interested?” Why would we give a shit if you told us one thing on the Internet. You using this tag already tells us one thing, and that one thing is how much we don’t want to ever hang out with you.
We are annoyingly self-referential. Tagging Twitter in itself is like making an in-joke that everyone is aware of and no one else is dumb enough to make. We understand that Twitter might have some problems or that Twitter does some funny things, but either calling them out or complaining about them does nothing of value. People who use this trend imagine Twitter to be a giant robot that senses when someone is unhappy with it and then struggles to do the cyborg crunches that it needs to improve. Jokes about Twitter are funny, but posting jokes about Twitter on Twitter is like a black comedian making fun of black comedians while he wears a shirt that says “What’s so funny about black comedians.” It’s also a good way to make the internet reflect upon itself, which, as we all know, will make the online world explode.
We assume too much. #WeHaveAllTried shows that, when we feel something, automatically the entire world must feel the same. It’s on these kinds of ideas that racism or the show “The View” are grounded. About 90% of these posts were about how, when we go to sleep and dream, we’ll wake up and then try to fall asleep again and continue the dream. This is almost a painful metaphor for Twitter itself, because, when you’re using the tag #WeHaveAllTried, your dreams are almost certain to be better than your life.