Steam: It Does a Vagina Good

It seems we just can’t leave the poor, beleaguered vajeen alone. When it’s not being chased, poked and prodded, it’s getting washed, waxed, shaved, trimmed, perfumed, pierced, tattooed, vajazzled and Tajazzled. And now—as if all those things weren’t torturous enough—some women have decided to steam the damn things.

According to a recent article in the Los Angeles Times, several spas in Southern California have added vaginal steam baths to their list of services. The V-Steam, as it’s called, is an ancient Korean remedy purported to reduce stress, fight infections, clear hemorrhoids, regulate menstrual cycles and aid infertility. Although there’s no hard medical evidence to support these claims, many women swear by steaming their beavers. (P.S. If any rising musical stars out there are reading this, we’d like to get it on record now, that it is our fervent wish that an all-girl band called Steaming Beavers be formed as soon as possible.)

The V-Steam process is basically Harry Potter meets OB/GYN. The woman sits above a boiling pot of mugwort tea blended with wormwood and other herbs, and lets the steam waft all up into her business for about 30 minutes. Sounds harmless enough, but frankly, we don’t like the word “mugwort” one bit—it certainly doesn’t sound like something a woman would want in close range of her vagina, ever. We don’t really take any issue with wormwood, however, given that it’s used to make absinthe and we kind of like the idea of the va-jay getting totally zooted while it’s being steam-cleaned. (P.P.S. Obviously, Vaginas On Absinthe should be the Steaming Beavers’ first album.)

One V-Steam proponent interviewed by the L.A. Times says she’s a fan because it’s basically “a facial for her vagina,” which just may be the filthiest statement we’ve heard all month. She also describes it as “a simple, relaxing treatment” that “you can imagine people doing in the forest somewhere.” Well, sure, you could…. if you’re like, a total fucking hippie weirdo. WE, on the other hand, can say with total confidence that the image of a bunch of women hanging out in the woods, blowing steam up their boxes never would have entered our heads prior to her mention of it—and we spend quite a bit of time pondering bizarre, perverted things.

But ladies, if steaming your vagina makes you a healthier, happier person, then by all means, steam away. It’s better that you blow hot, moist vapor up your muff than do anything to it that ends in “azzle.”