The Six People You’re Guaranteed to Meet at Spring Break

spring breakSpring Break is a tradition unlike any other: With more booze than Groundhog Day and less clothing than Secretaries Day, it is pretty much every man’s fantasy come to life for one week out of the year. How can something be bad when it combines bikini-clad coeds with never ending drinks, tropical weather and wet t-shirts? Exactly!

However, no matter where you end up, from “Crazy Cabo” to “Have no money Havasu,” you will run into the same basic types of people who truly make Spring Break what it is. Which one are you?

THE SHOWOFF

showoffGet a stage, a drunk crowd and a 5 peso bar tab and the Showoff will take it all off. From wet t-shirt contests, to best body contests, to I love contests contests, the Showoff wants everyone to know who she is… and where all of her tattoos are located. She’s got a competitive spirit, and will show “skin to win,” but really just likes being on display. I’m not really sure how many Academy Award winning actresses were discovered in Cancun after getting cold water splashed on them, but I’ll assume some of these Showoffs are looking for their “big break,” while others are just looking for big applause, and bragging rights to tell their grand-kids about.

SPRING BROKEN

spring brokenGetting older stinks, but at least do it with some dignity, by not withering away in a sea of college kids. Mr. Spring Broken has either been going to spring break for so long that he forgot how old he truly is; or he is trying to get some of his youth back by doing stuff he never had the chance to do earlier in life. Either way, do it somewhere else. The old guy or gal who has to be Medevac’d from the foam party is not a fun sight for anyone. There is a place for old people to enjoy spring break… it’s called Florida.

THE INVENTOR

inventorFor some people, spring break seems like the perfect time to unveil their new and useless inventions: The 14 person-Funnel Tunnel, the two-story beer pong table, the bead gun. Isn’t it enough to just go to a tropical place and hang out with more sorority girls than you can find on Facebook? Every beach or boat has at least a few of these Inventors trying to impress anyone who will stop to drink out of their concoction.

Leave the inventing to Steve Jobs, and just drink a beer out of a can, Einstein.

THE LOCAL

localAs much as we look forward to Spring Break, The Local, looks forward to it way more. We bring them money, hot chicks, police bribes and the above mentioned two-story beer pong table. The locals love befriending “rich Americans,” and may join your crew weather you like it or not. Although, possibly a good connection for certain things, The Local can be more trouble than they are worth. Lo Ciento!

THE BURNER

burnerAs funny as it is dangerous, but mostly funny, The Burner doesn’t know her SPF from her ASS (which is also burned). She will spend the first part of Spring Break in the sun, and the second part in tremendous pain. Booze and Aloe are the only way to help a Burner, but don’t waste your time, because they are in too much pain to hook up with you anyway.

THIS GUY

this guyMatching bandannas? I didn’t know douche had a gang. Unfortunately, these guys are the majority of what you see on spring break. Avoid being one of them by not color coordinating with your friends.

Secondhand Smoke is a weekly column by Playboy Radio Morning Show host Kevin M. Klein. Follow Kevin on Twitter@TheKevinKlein.

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