Power Rankings: 10 Sports Stories that Managed to Settle their Differences

nfl lockout

At long last, our national nightmare is over. The NFL lockout has ended.

This was arguably the hardest 136 days in America since the Civil War. Every day I would wake up at 5 a.m., rush outside to my porch, and wait for the paperboy to toss me my morning paper. But I usually didn’t even have to wait to find out if the union and owners settled. Timmy would just shake his old-timey newsboy-hat-covered head and tell me, “Not today, mister,” and after yelling out, “Fiddlesticks!” I’d head back into my house dejectedly wondering how this was going to effect my keepers in my two fantasy leagues.

But rejoice America! Think of all the football we missed out on. Okay, so they didn’t actually miss any games. Or anything of note. In fact it was basically like any other offseason. And I guess it was a way for the players to take an extra long vacation and still get the same amount of money and now even medical benefits.

Wow. On second thought, I wish someone would lock me out.

Here are this week’s stories that managed to settle their differences in order to make billions of dollars (click on each pictures to read the full story).

1. The NFL is back…

roger goodelll

Don’t call it a comeback. Seriously. They never really left.

2. Tiger Woods fires his caddy…

tiger woods caddy

Rumors are Tiger was getting golf advice from hundreds of other people the whole time they were together.

3. Ben Roethlisberger got married…

big ben

When asked if anyone objected, every female bar patron in America raised their hand.

4. Jay Cutler calls off his engagement to Kristin Cavallari…


Cutler was faking being in love too.

5. Winnipeg Jets unveil their logo…

winnipeg jets

Apparently their target audience is kids who go to the cockpit to get those airline wing pins.

6. Eagles want to sign Favre…


They’re hoping Michael Vick can mentor him.

7. A guy wins Tour de France…

cadel evans

Not bothering to learn his name until I learn what performance enhancer he used.

8. LA getting a football stadium…


No word on whether they’ll be getting football fans also.

9. WNBA All Star Game…


Winner got home court advantage in the Finals. So like 500 fans.

10. Top 15 WNBA players ever unveiled…


How could they leave Shawna Rawlings off?!? (I made that name up. Or did I? No one will ever know.)