There are love ballads, there are rock ballads, and then there are songs that you would never, ever want to hear dedicated to your daughter. It’s those last songs we explore here, with a journey through musical odes to big bottoms and porn starlets wherein bands take down their exes and salute the breasteses.
Enjoy nine songs we hope you never hear playing at your daughter’s wedding.
Ice Cube – Givin’ Up the Nappy Dugout
Ice Cube’s NSFW “Givin’ up the Nappy Dug Out” from his 1991 Death Certificate album is about all things vaginal, and that means you wouldn’t want to associate it with any female to whom you are related.
Sample Lyrics: “I’m here to let you know your little girl is a hoe/Nympho, nympho, boy is she bad/Get her all alone and out comes the kneepads.”
Warrant – “Cherry Pie”
Warrant’s “Cherry Pie” is a classic of ’80s rock, the song that forever wedded fruit pastries and doing the nasty. The track was a last minute add to the album and written by Jani Lane on the back of a pizza box in 15 minutes. For this, Lane, who died earlier this month, will always be remembered.
Sample Lyrics: “She wanted me to feed her/So I mixed up the batter/And she licked the beater.”
The Prodigy – “Smack My Bitch Up”
The Prodigy’s “Smack My Bitch Up” is a simple song. It consists of a grand total of two lines that are repeated over and over again. The beat is the sort that turns you deaf at techno clubs. Still, the jingle’s shocker video with its surprise ending was banned by MTV, turning it into a mega-hit.
Sample Lyrics: “Change my pitch up/Smack my bitch up.”
Bloodhound Gang – “The Ballad of Chasey Lain”
The Bloodhound Gang is known for their NSFW lyrics and “The Ballad of Chasey Lain” does not disappoint. Apparently, the guys are big fans of Lain, a porn star who rose to infamy in the ’90s. Thankfully, she’ll have this catchy number to be remembered by now that she’s retired.
Sample Lyrics: “Dear Chasey Lain/I wrote to explain/I’m your biggest fan/I just wanted to ask/Could I eat your ass?”
The Rolling Stones – “Under My Thumb”
Not a lot of people know that The Rolling Stone’s “Under My Thumb” was actually written about feminist leader Gloria Steinem. OK, not really, but that would have been awesome. This punchy melody was an early contender in the category of songs you hope are never dedicated to your daughter, and it set the bar.
Sample Lyrics: “Under my thumb/The girl who once had me down/Under my thumb/The girl who once pushed me around.”
Tony Toni Toné – “My Ex-Girlfriend”
Before he was a darling of the indie rock and summer festival sets, Raphael Saadiq was cranking out some of the best R&B of the late 80s and early 90s with his band, Tony Toni Toné. On this song from the Sons of Soul album, he takes an ex-girlfriend who spent all his money while simultaneously banging every dude in sight. No official video was ever released, but once you hear the chorus, you’ll understand why. No way would MTV have gone for a song like this back in the 90s (unless the singer was white, of course).
Sample Lyrics: “I just laughed because I heard it all before/About my girl and the boy next door/I paid her way through USC/But guess what she was not doing with me.”
DJ Assault – “Ass ‘n’ Titties”
Listening to DJ Assault’s “Ass ‘n’ Titties,” you get the impression this guy is a fan of the posterior and the boobs. Not an average fan. He is a connoisseur. Let’s hope your daughter finds a man who appreciates her brain as much as her physical attributes.
Sample Lyrics: “Ass, titties, ass ‘n titties/Ass ass titties titties, ass ‘n titties.”
Spinal Tap – “Big Bottom”
Speaking of rear-ends, Spinal Tap’s “Big Bottom” is a seminal song in the genre. How could you leave that behind? We don’t know, Nigel. We really don’t.
Sample Lyrics: “My baby fits me like a flesh tuxedo/I’d like to sink her with my pink torpedo.”
Cee-Lo Green – “Fuck You”
Most songs are dedicated to another out of love. Other songs are dedicated to another out of hate. That’s where you’ll find Cee-Lo Green’s “Fuck You.” It’s a slam of gold diggers and a NSFW inspiring anthem for those looking to get over it.
Sample Lyrics: “I guess he’s an Xbox and I’m more Atari/But the way you play your game ain’t fair.”