Six Celebrities Still Miraculously Alive in 2012

2012 HAS ARRIVED BUT WE DIDN’T GET HERE WITHOUT LOSING A FEW CELEBS ALONG THE WAY. Some losses were unexpected, while others we pretty much banked on, either through terminal diseases, age, or the old fashioned route of drugs and alcohol. But there are a few who have courted one, two or all three of these surefire killers and still managed to keep on ticking. Here are six celebrities that we’re surprised have made it this far.

1. Gary Busey

Garey Busey is known as much for his run-ins with the law as for his impressive acting career. His rap sheet shows that when it comes to getting arrested, Gary Busey is a fan of variety. His legal issues include an arrest for spousal abuse, not paying his rent, and possession of cocaine.

With such a long history of dangerous behavior, who would have ever thought that Gary would make it past the 90s, let alone still be with us during the final year of mankind? Maybe his borderline dementia rantings will actually translate into something prophetic when the endtimes arrive.

2. Paula Deen

Paula Deen recently revealed that she was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. The only surprising thing about that sentence is the word recently. Paula Deen is famous for making delicious Southern-style food guaranteed to clog at least one artery by the end of the meal. At any given time during her cooking show, she’s sure to be frying something that involves at least one tub of butter and something wrapped in bacon or slathered in gravy. Basically, if awesomeness could be deep fried, Paula Deen probably made it.

And while there are many famous cooks on T.V., we doubt any of them eat the food they’ve cooked immediately after the director yells cut except for Paula Deen, who eye fucks everything she cooks on every episode. Yet despite eating the types of foods that has probably turned her blood into a cream sauce, Paula stands before us with just a mere case of diabetes, bravely promising to just eat fried foods “in moderation.”  And by that she means she’ll only be eating two sticks of deep fried stuffing.

3. Steven Tyler

When I think of Steven Tyler, I remember all the timeless Aerosmith classics that I’ve murdered at a variety of karaoke bars  and then I think, oh my god, that man has a vagina eating his face! But besides having the stunning good looks of a pedigree horse and a successful career in music, he’s also developed an impressive history of getting high, getting drunk, having sex, lather, rinse, repeat.

As other deceased musicians of his time have shown, consuming endless amounts of drugs and alcohol kind of puts a stop on the whole being alive thing, not to mention it murders your complexion. Did I say murder? I meant bludgeon.

How Steven Tyler’s skin and sinew keep on twitching right into 2012 is completely inexplicable.

4. Bob Barker

Bob Barker was the host of Price is Right from 1972 to 2007. Arguably one of the most famous talk show hosts of all time, he’s helped rescue thousands of elderly ladies from being sucked under the big wheel, lectured to us about cutting off our pet’s baby making junk and banged at least three of his Barker beauties.

You would think at some point, all those years of playing Plinko, workplace sexual harassment and holding up that probe-y looking microphone would take its toll on the man but the only sign that Bob is getting older is the color of his hair. Otherwise, he’s still going strong and thanks to retirement, is free to creep on other women outside the confines of the The Price is Right studio.

5. Britney Spears

Besides her recent engagement, Britney Spears has been keeping it low key for such a long time I almost forgot to add her to the list.

With her panty-less crotch shots, head shaving, Vicodin mishaps, the  joyrides sans car-seat with her baby and the bags of Cheetohs that she used to wash down her pills, Britney Spears used to be a perfect example of what happens when fame and fortune is left out on the counter to rot. During these tumultuous years, she seemed to be running head first into her demise before her daddy and the court stepped in and did everything short of spiking her Tang with a roofie. Ultimately, the tough love worked, and Britney’s shenanigans have been taken up by Ms. Christina Aguilera.

6. Betty White

Betty White recently celebrated her ninetieth birthday! She was around when Kindle meant firewood and Facebook meant photo albums. In other words, she’s really fucking old. And since her famous Snickers commercial, she’s been working more than ever. Is Snickers the secret to living a long life? Ask Paula Deen.

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