Ask TSJ: How Should I Be Investing My Money?

wall streetLife is hard. It seems like every new day brings a new question that, try as you might, you’re just unable to find an answer for. The Smoking Jacket understands this, and we’re here to help.

Each week, media sensation Tracy Pendergast and TSJ’s managing editor, Adam Tod Brown, set aside some time in their busy schedules to answer your questions in a feature we’ve cleverly named “Ask TSJ.”

This week’s question comes from a reader named Jim…

My girlfriend says I should be investing my money. I say the market is too volatile to risk it. What do you think?

tracyTracy Pendergast: You are in luck! Because I took the less traditional route and went to acting school instead of college, I have absolutely no knowledge in finance or math-but I can act like I do.

First of all congratulations on even having money to invest. You are an unmarried man who hasn’t blown all his money on Doritos and Terminator memorabilia, bravo!

I think what your girlfriend is really trying to tell you is, she’s starting to see a future with you. She’s looking for a sign that you’re preparing for a long life of buying her shit. I agree that investing a little money, even if it’s $20 a month, is a great idea. You can look into smaller investments that fit into your budget. That being said, it’s your money and until you are sharing bank accounts and expenses, it’s your decision how you spend it!

It’s not necessarily a bad time to invest, but you have to be knowledgeable to be a player in today’s market. If you’re experienced and well advised you can make money, but you need to know what you’re doing. If you really don’t think you know what you’re doing, stick to investments you’re comfortable with like Family Guy DVD box sets and iPhone apps that make your friends look fat.

Adam and I are humbled that you would trust us with a question about your personal finances. We will be sending you two self addressed envelopes shortly, so when you’re ready to invest (in Adam’s first film and my Louis Vuitton luggage set) you will have options.

adamAdam Tod Brown: Yes, by all means, invest your money. Invest it right now. Do I say that from the viewpoint of a person who knows of what they’re talking about? Of course not. I don’t think there’s been a single question asked in the entire time we’ve been doing this that I actually had any solid answers for. But hey, you asked. So let me tell you a few things about the stock market anyway.

The public’s out there throwing darts at a board, sport. I don’t throw darts at a board – I bet on sure things. What’s worth doing is worth doing for money. I look at a hundred deals a day. I pick one. It’s not always the most popular person who gets the job done. If you want a friend, get a dog. I am not a destroyer of companies. I am a liberator of them! The point is, ladies and gentlemen, that greed, for lack of a better word, is good. Greed is right, greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through, and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all of its forms: greed for life, for money, for love, knowledge, has marked the upward surge of mankind. And greed, you mark my words, will not only save Teldar Paper, but that other malfunctioning corporation called the USA. Thank you very much.

You may or may not have noticed that the entire paragraph you just read is literally a bunch of quotes from the movie Wall Street. It’s a classic, and I’ve seen it at least twice. So don’t you dare tell me I don’t know what I’m talking about, even if I admitted as much about ten sentences ago. Use the info above correctly, and you’ll be on a fast track to the same happy ending that awaited Gordon Gekko at the end of Wall Street. I mean, it probably ended happily for him. I’ve never actually seen the entire movie. But cumulatively, if you put all the bits and pieces together that I have seen, it adds up to a strong two hours or so. And if you’re coming to this website for financial advice, that should be good enough for you.

Adam Tod Brown is the managing editor of The Smoking Jacket. He would like to be your friend on Facebook and on Twitter @realadambrown.

Tracy Pendergast is a writer, model, singer, television personality and professional magician’s assistant. We might be lying about one of those facts. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter to find out which one.

Got a question for Adam and Tracy? Click here and fire away. If we use it…your life will immediately improve for the better.