Whenever Hollywood gets lazy, they just throw us a sequel: Back to the Future 2, Meet the Fockers and Dumb and Dumberer were all the result of laziness. Personally, it makes me sick.
This sequel, however, is not the result of laziness… it’s the result of a hangover. Last year, I introduced millions to the concept of a “NYMPHOMERCIAL”. For those of you who are new, slow, or just didn’t care the first time around, a NYMPHOMERCIAL is an infomercial that is so sexy (either intentionally or otherwise), that you can practically have sex with yourself, or someone else, while watching it. Obvious examples include the Shake Weight infomercial, Booty Pop Panties, and anything else you’ve mistaken for a Cinemax movie.
So, get out your credit cards, and a box of tissues for this new batch of nymphomercials. Operators are standing by…in India.
If your idea of a good workout is watching a bunch of women practice riding reverse cowgirl on a public beach, then this is the nympomercial for you. It is as funny as it is sexy, but with subtle notes of awkwardness thrown in. I don’t know about this product, but I’ve burned many calories watching their commercial.
BUT WAIT…THERE’S MORE: Check out the slow-mo shot at 1:45 in.
2. Breast Stimulator
Usually to make titties shake, you have to get a girl, a trampoline, or be lucky enough to be in a Victoria’s Secret during an earthquake. Not anymore. This boob shaker is to bras what James Bond is to martinis. WARNING: This nymphomercial is hypnotic, and may cause seizures or boners or both.
BUT WAIT… THERE’S MORE: According to the thermal imaging it turns out, boobs are full of popcorn. Sweet!
3. Easy Curves
Jackpot! Ever wonder what it would look like if a woman tried to use The Club on her cleavage? Well, wonder no more. This strange dildo looking device makes boobies bigger and protects your rack from would be car thieves. Much like that douche-bag in the too tight t-shirt, the breast is “full of muscles” (although, I read somewhere it was popcorn), and the Easy Curve helps bring out those bra guns.
BUT WAIT…THERE’S MORE: The woman doing it on her bed looks like she is plunging herself.
4. Cool Blast
This video is too much…even for this site. What looks look a tutorial for facials is actually a product meant to cool people off. If that’s the case, then how come I am so hot all of the sudden?
BUT WAIT…THERE’S MORE: And it can be found in her hair.
Never before has the line been so blurred between infomercials and porn clips, as it is in this nympomercial for the NuBra. It begins with a woman slowly undressing in front of the mirror, and I forget what happens after that.
BUT WAIT…THERE’S MORE: At four minutes in you can watch a woman wash her breasts…sort of.
6. Flirty Girl Fitness
Why go to the strip club, when the strip club can come to you? Best of all, you won’t spend any money or ruin your best pair of wind pants. This “body makeover system” is like a sizzle reel of young women in spandex proving who is the most flexible. This product claims you can lose up to two pant sizes, and after only 30 seconds of watching I lost mine.
BUT WAIT…THERE’S MORE: Clear heels and daddy issues sold separately.
Thanks for reading this weeks Secondhand Smoke article.
BUT WAIT… THERE’S MORE: No there isn’t.