The Smoking Jacket’s 69 Sexist Celebrities

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46. Wikipedia

wikipedia

Do women know stuff? We’re pretty sure they do, so why is it that only 13% of Wikipedia contributors are female? Can we chalk it up to sexism? Possibly. Or maybe it’s just that men are more likely to be dumb enough to work for free than women.

There’s only one way to solve that riddle. We’re going to need to see the Huffington Post’s contributor list.

45. Tiger Woods

tiger woods

Look, we’re mostly putting Tiger Woods on the list because people in the comments section would howl if we didn’t. But honestly, if the world found out that some sexy female golfer was throwing the occasional charity bang to some lowly Perkins busboy, we’d probably make up some kind of award to give her.

44. New York Jets

new york jets

Controversy erupted when reporter Ines Sainz Tweeted about how several members of the New York Jets made her feel uncomfortable by whistling and making catcalls in her direction while she tried to interview Mark Sanchez. Seriously, can’t a woman do her job without some guy…

ines sainz

…HOLY SHIT!

43. Judge Sotomayor

judge sotomayor

When defending themselves against charges that they should be in the kitchen whipping up sandwiches and not deciding some of the most important cases in all the land, Supreme Court Justices Sandra Day O’Connor and Ruth Bader Ginsberg often invoked the famous notion that a wise old man and a wise old woman would reach the same conclusion when deciding cases. And then, Sonia Sotomayor came along and shot that notion right to hell by saying “I would hope that a wise Latina woman with the richness of her experiences would more often than not reach a better conclusion than a white male who hasn’t lived that life.”

Hey, lady, what have white men ever done to deserve that kind of dickery?

42. Nick Bideau

nick bideau

We know, you’ve been reading this list so far thinking just one thing…”where the hell is Nick Bideau?”

What’s that? You’ve never heard of Nick Bideau? Yeah, neither have we. At least we hadn’t until we started researching this list. Turns out Nick Bideau won an Ernie Award in Australia, which recognizes the most sexist and misogynistic statements of the year. Wait, what?

Anyway, Bideau earned his Ernie Award when he commented that he “…never turned away from Cathy, no matter how fat she was in 1997, or even in 1998.”

The Cathy in question is world champion sprinter Cathy Freeman. In other news, we don’t know who that is, either. USA! USA!

41. Kevin Rudd

kevin rudd

When reporter Latika Bourke asked Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd why his leadership was in crisis, Rudd responded thusly:

“Well, that’s a point of language which you have used which is dramatically consistent with the dress which you have chosen today. It’s a great tie, it’s a nice hat, I like it a lot.”

latika

Okay, first of all, fucking what? Second, somebody get this guy an Ernie Award!

40. Joe Namath

joe namath

So, is it just our skewed interpretation of things, or is the combination of sports and female reporters a veritable minefield of inappropriate sexual comments? The #40 spot on this list once again goes to a sleazy (and in this case, hilariously drunken) athlete making crass statement to a woman trying to do her job.

This time around, the aggressor is New York Jets legend Joe Namath and the victim is ESPN sideline reporter Suzy Kolber. When she asked Broadway Joe what he thought about the Jets struggles as a team, Namath summoned up the maximum amount of class imaginable and responded with “I wanna kiss you. I couldn’t care less about the team struggling.”

Wow. We shudder to think what he would have said if it would have been Erin Andrews instead of Suzy Kolber.

39. Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

kurt vonnegut

Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. has written some of the most enduring novels of all-time. Unfortunately, he also wrote this:

“Educating a woman is like pouring honey over a fine Swiss watch. It stops working.”

Yeah, but we bet it was a dude who was dumb enough to conduct the Swiss-watch-drenched-in-honey experiment that paved the way for that quote.

38. Zsa Zsa Gabor

zsa zsa gabor

Zsa Zsa Gabor has an interesting theory on love…

“A woman who has never been hit by a man has never been loved.”

Is that true, ladies? Because if it is, our Valentine’s Day budget just got a whole lot more manageable.

37. Jason Kidd

jason kidd

Athletes and domestic violence seem to go together like chocolate and peanut butter. But if the allegations made against Jason Kidd by his ex-wife, Joumana, are true, then Kidd is a surefire first-ballot Domestic Violence Hall of Fame shoe-in.

Joumana Kidd claims the all-star point guard started beating her even before they got married (always a bad sign) and has since assaulted her with everything from a large rock to a cookie. No shit. She also alleged that Kidd engaged in extramarital affairs with Nets season ticket holders, New Orleans cheerleaders, New Orleans strippers, Indiana strippers and just about anything else that moved. He would also allegedly purchase expensive jewelry to relieve the marital tensions after his multiple transgressions.

Never let it be said that Kobe Bryant never learned anything from those who came before him.

36. The Navy

tailhook

One of the darkest periods in Navy history came during the 35th Annual Tailhook Association Symposium from September 8–12, 1991 in Las Vegas, Nevada. It was there that U.S. Navy officers are alleged to have sexually assaulted at least 87 women. Hell, even seven men came forward to claim they were assaulted. Hooray for equality! Also, thanks for getting bin Laden for us!

35. Michael Caine

michael caine

Hey, ladies of the United States, how many of you have ever fantasized about getting it on with a still-in-his-prime Michael Caine? If so, you’ll be crushed to know what kind of good times you missed out on. Check it:

“American girls are like horses, very independent. They have never been controlled by anybody. But if you can break them in, they are very grateful.”

Yes, what woman doesn’t enjoy a good breaking in?

34. David Letterman

david letterman

We’re certainly not going to call David Letterman sexist for having multiple affairs over the course of his long career. That would make this list about 1,000 entries long. But a former Letterman staffer, Nell Scovell, contends that things were much worse than just a few affairs around the late night legend’s office:

“Did Dave hit on me? No. Did he pay me enough extra attention that it was noted by another writer? Yes. Was I aware of rumours that Dave was having sexual relationships with female staffers? Yes. Was I aware that other high-level male employees were having sexual relationships with female staffers? Yes. Did these female staffers wield power disproportionate to their job titles? Yes. Did that create a hostile work environment? Yes. Did I believe they were benefiting professionally from their personal relationships? Yes. Did that make me feel demeaned? Completely.”

Does Nell Scovell enjoy rhetorical questions? Yes.

33. Ted Turner

ted turner

Questioning whether or not you should get a divorce? If so, Ted Turner has some solid advice for you:

“Henry VIII didn’t get divorced, he just had his wives’ heads chopped off when he got tired of them. That’s a good way to get rid of a woman – no alimony.”

That’s cool, Jesus told us divorce is an abomination anyway.

32. Isiah Thomas

isaiah thomas

It’s often said that sexual harassment numbers are underreported because allegations are often difficult to prove. So how much of a slime ball do you have to be for a judge to actually find you guilty of sexual harassment in a court of law? That’s what happened when Anucha Browne Sanders, a former New York Knicks employee, filed a successful lawsuit against Isiah Thomas. It’s alleged that, at first, Thomas would berate Browne Sanders, often referring to her as a “bitch” and a “ho.” But that all blew over when Thomas decided he’d rather constantly pressure the woman to sleep with him instead.

There was a silver lining to the situation though. All of the off court controversy took some attention away from the fact that, under Isiah Thomas, the Knicks were one goddamn horrible basketball team.

31. Barry Goldwater

barry goldwater

Women in the military? Barry Goldwater was having none of it. “Women are hard enough to handle now, without giving them a gun,” said the former Presidential candidate. We fail to see how this somehow makes the idea of female soldiers a bad thing.

30. Omar Sharif

omar sharif

Actor Omar Sharif knows what the ladies like.

“Deep down every woman loves the idea of a sheik carrying her off on his white horse and raping her in his tent. It’s a basic feminine instinct.”

Raise your hand if you’re turned on, ladies!

29. Gary Barnett

barnett

Katie Hnida was a rarity in college football, being one of the only females to earn a spot on a Division I squad. During her time with the team, she was routinely harassed. This harassment eventually culminated in an allegation that she was raped by a teammate. When coach Gary Barnett was asked about it, he expressed shock at the deplorable treatment and promised to do everything he could to make sure nothing like this ever happened again. Just joking! He actually said this:

“It was obvious Katie was not very good. She was awful. You know what guys do? They respect your ability. You can be 90 years old, but if you can go out and play, they’ll respect you. Katie was not only a girl, she was terrible. OK? There’s no other way to say it.”

Classy!

28. Sir Mix-a-Lot

sir mix a lot

Having a hit song that objectifies women is one thing, but building an entire career around objectifying women is completely unacceptable. And that’s exactly what Sir Mix-A-Lot has done.

That said, it’s not entirely his fault. It’s just that “Baby Got Back” was pretty much his entire career (with all due respect to “Posse on Broadway,” which was the fucking JAM).

27. Clarence Thomas

clarence thomas

If anyone was outraged that the previously mentioned Justice Sotomayor was named to the Supreme Court despite her controversial remarks, they at least shouldn’t have been surprised. It’s not like there’s no precedent for it.

Back when Clarence Thomas was going through Senate confirmation hearings, Anita Hill testified that Thomas was a sleaze bucket of the highest order:

“He spoke about acts that he had seen in pornographic films involving such matters as women having sex with animals and films showing group sex or rape scenes. On several occasions, Thomas told me graphically of his own sexual prowess.”

There was also a weird incident where he casually asked Hill who the scoundrel responsible for placing pubic hair on his Coke can was. Our team of researchers remain divided as to whether this is a euphemism of some sort or if Thomas is just a total fucking weirdo.

26. Tony Kornheiser

tony kornheiser

Lovable co-host of ESPN’s Pardon the Interruption, Tony Kornheiser, went off the rails in a major way when his ESPN colleague wore a particularly tight sweater on the Sports Center set.

“She looks like she has sausage casing wrapping around her upper body…come on now! Stop! What are you doing? She’s what I would call a Holden Caulfield fantasy at this point.”

Actually, we’ve heard much worse before. Kornheiser doesn’t really deserve a spot this high on the list, but we loathed his time in the Monday Night Football booth, so he gets a boost in the rankings for that. And for cursing us with Jon Gruden as a replacement when he left.

25. Bob Packwood

bob packwood

“Grabbed Tracy Gorman behind the Xerox machine today and she got a little pissed. What’s the big deal? I was smiling while I did it. She made this big stink about it and it took me about two hours and a couple of thousand dollars to calm her down. I have one question — if she didn’t want me to feather her nest, why did she come into the Xerox room? Sure, she used that old excuse that she had to make copies of the Brady Bill, but if you believe that, I have a room full of radical feminists you can boff. She knew I was copying stuff in there. I had my jacket off and my sleeves rolled up, revealing the well-defined musculature of my sinewy arms which are always bulging with desire. I know what she wanted. This didn’t require a lot of thought.”

What you’ve just read is not torn from the tawdry pages of a drugstore romance novel. They are from the diary of disgraced former Republican Senator Bob Packwood. After allegations of sexual misconduct surfaced, his diary was somehow entered into evidence during the resulting investigation. This begs an obvious question…why in the hell would you write this shit in your diary?

24. Bill Clinton

bill clinton

Oh, the burning question…was Paula Jones telling the truth? Hell, was Anita Hill telling the truth? We honestly have no idea in either case. We’re just basing all of this on the testimony of others, because that’s how the Internet works. And, sorry Democrats, but the allegations against Bill Clinton are far more serious than the allegations against Clarence Thomas. Thomas just made some crude statements and complained about pubes on his soda can.

Paula Jones alleges that Bill Clinton sent a state trooper to pull her off the job and escorted her to meet Clinton in a hotel suite, where Clinton proceeded to grope her, expose himself and demand oral sex. You have to admit, that’s kind of worse. Kind of.

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