The Smoking Jacket’s 69 Sexist Celebrities

It certainly seemed like an odd request when it came down from on high that the powers that be at Playboy wanted us to put together a list of sexist celebrities. “Every men’s site on the planet has their own Hot 100 list! We need to have one too!” That’s what they told us, and we certainly agreed. We just weren’t sure that a list of celebrities who disrespect the opposite sex was the right way to go. Wouldn’t a list of 100 sexy women be more in order? That’s a pretty neat thing to do these days.

But if we’ve learned one thing, it’s that you don’t question the people who sign your paychecks, so we went along with it.

Well, it turns out it was all a misunderstanding. They didn’t want a list of “sexist” celebrities. They wanted a list of “sexiest” celebrities. There was just a typo in that initial email. But by the time we figured that out, we already had this list finished. So, we decided to run it anyway. Maybe we’ll get to that list of “sexiest” celebrities some other day.

As for now, here are The Smoking Jacket’s 69 Sexist Celebrities.

69. Warren Moon

warren moon

Warren Moon, an NFL legend who played quarterback for more teams than we have time to list (four, actually, but we’re chronically lazy), was arrested in July, 1995 on domestic violence charges after his then wife claimed he beat her during an incident at their home. Granted, his wife later recanted the story, even going so far as to admit that she was the aggressor, and Moon was acquitted of all charges by a jury, but that just means he got beat up by a girl, so it’s still hilarious.

Wait, is that sexist of us to say?

68. Richard Keys

richard keys

During a Premier League match (that’s soccer, or “football” if you actually watch it), game announcer Richard Keys thought his microphone was turned off when he made disparaging remarks about a female assistant referee named Sian Massey. Exhibiting his disdain for female officials, Keys said: “Somebody better get down there and explain offside to her.”

Yeah, you better explain it to us, also. But maybe let us get some coffee first.

67. Andy Gray

andy gray

Richard Keys wasn’t alone in the booth when he made his sexist comments about Siam Massey. His partner in crime, Andy Gray, responded to the remark by adding “Can you believe that? A female linesman. Women don’t know the offside rule.”

Both men were eventually fired over the remarks. But in their defense, they were probably just doing whatever they could to make soccer interesting. It’s not easy, you know.

66. Cristy Fermin

cristy fermin

A women’s advocacy group in the Philippines, the Coalition Against Trafficking in Women – Asia Pacific, denounced television host Cristy Fermin for making “sexist statements which condone abuse of women.” In particular, they took issue with this quote:

“…dalawang lalaking personalidad lang ang parang pinapayagan ng publiko na maging ‘matulis.’ Si Rico J. Puno lang at saka si Willie. Pag sila ang nag-deliver para bang malaking karangalan mo pag mabastos ka.”

Oh no she didn’t!

65. American Society of Plastic and Reconstructive Surgeons

plastic surgery

How sexist is the American Society of Plastic and Reconstructive Surgeons? Approximately this sexist:

“There is a substantial and enlarging body of medical opinion that these deformities [small breasts] are really a disease.”

That’s from an internal memo they issued in 1992. On the bright side, women who get implants are now free to claim they did it for “health reasons.”

64. Clinton Portis

portis

Ladies and gentlemen, Washington Redskins running back Clinton Portis, on the subject of female reporters in NFL locker rooms:

“You know, somebody’s got to spark her interest, or she’s going to want somebody. I don’t know what kind of woman won’t, if you get to go and look at 53 men’s bodies.”

To be fair, we’re still on the fence as to whether these comments reveal some underlying sexist tendencies, or if Clinton Portis just really wants to bang a dude.

63. Portia De Rossi

portia de rossi

Look, we’re fine with homosexuality, especially the kind that involves two women. But when someone as smoking hot as Portia de Rossi hitches her wagon to someone like Ellen DeGeneres, it’s sending a pretty clear message. That message is, “I like dudes, but I hate penis.” Not cool, Portia. We were born this way.

62. Gene Simmons

gene simmons

Gene Simmons’ crimes against women are too numerous to go into detail here. But here’s a tasty quote from his recent book, Sex Money Kiss:

If you stay at home and do the housework, you’re a pansy.

Hey, Simmons, stay at home mother is an honorable profession, you jerk! And besides, any man should be lucky to have such a stress-free gig.

61. Koko the Gorilla

koko the gorilla

But TSJ, how can an adorable gorilla like Koko possibly be sexist? Well, first of all, gorillas aren’t adorable, they’re cold-blooded killing machines. Secondly, it turns out Koko is quite possibly the animal kingdom’s preeminent sexual harasser.

Former gorilla caretakers Nancy Alperin and Kendra Keller sued for $1 million in damages after they were fired for refusing to flash their breasts to indulge Koko’s titty fetish. If you think we’re making that up, rest assured, we are not.

60. Donald Trump

donald trump

You probably think we’re going to call The Donald out for his remarks about Rosie O’Donnell being a “fat pig.” But you’re wrong, we’re a comedy site, we live for confrontations like that. They are the fuel that keep our engines revving.

We do take issue with his comments about actress and full on smoke show Anne Hathaway, though. You might remember that she famously dated an Italian dude named Raffaello Follieri. Here’s what Trump had to say when the pair broke-up:

“So when he had plenty of money, she liked him. But then after that, not as good, right?”

Right, it could be that. God knows lead actresses don’t make much cash. But we suspect that the failure of the relationship had more to do with the fact that Follieri stole like $50 million in what came to be known as the Vati-Con Scandal.

59. Sue Barker

sue barker

We must admit, it’s kind of refreshing to see a woman on this list for a reason other than our blatant assholishness (See: Portia de Rossi). Sue Barker was canned from her gig as host of the BBC’s Question of Sport after audio surfaced of her making sexist comments about a male guest.

In the clip, Barker can be clearly heard making the following statements about professional darts legend (really?) Phil Taylor:

“Look at the arse on that. You could park your bike down there. He might be as thick as two-short planks, but out of two I’d give him one. He’s useless on the show but I tell the producers we need him – well I like a bit of eye candy you know.”

Hey, lady, men are more than just eye candy. We’re good at lots of other things too! Like, you know, playing darts and shit. Also, we have no idea what at least half of that statement even means.

58. Dick Armey

dick armey

Dick Armey’s first crime came when he leaned on an age old tactic for quelling an argument with a woman, in this case Salon.com’s Joan Walsh, when he went the ol’ “I’m glad I’m not married to you!” route. Behold:

I’m so glad that you could never be my wife because I surely wouldn’t have to listen to that prattle from you every day.

Bitches do be prattling, y’all. Just joking. We love the ladies. And aside from those pigheaded remarks, what’s with the name? Dick Armey? Vaginas are in the army now too, jackass.

57. Paul LePage

paul lepage

You know that health scare that’s been going around about a chemical called BPA in plastic water bottles? Republican Governor Paul LePage used it as an opportunity to flex his “I hate women” and his “I don’t understand science” muscles simultaneously when he dismissed the issue by saying “The only thing that I’ve heard is if you take a plastic bottle and put it in the microwave and you heat it up, it gives off a chemical similar to estrogen. So the worst case is some women may have little beards.”

56. John Key

john key

You probably have a couple of questions here. For one, who the hell is John Key? Once you’ve solved that riddle, you’ll likely want to know what he did to make this list. Don’t worry, we’re going to clear it all up for you right now.

John Key is the Prime Minister of New Zealand who found himself labeled as a sexist after having the audacity to call British actress Elizabeth Hurley “hot.” He said the same thing about Jessica Alba and Angelina Jolie.

What a jerk! A total, absolutely, positively correct jerk!

55. Ron Franklin

ron franklin

During a production meeting prior to a broadcast of the Chic Fil-a Bowl, ESPN analyst Ron Franklin addressed sideline reporter Jeannine Edwards by saying “Listen to me, sweet baby.”

It’s all good though. Edwards informed Franklin that she didn’t appreciate being spoken to in such a condescending manner, and Franklin immediately backed off his sexist conversation path with a more politically correct “Alright then, listen to me asshole.”

That’s better.

54. Silvio Berlusconi

berlusconi

We have a hard time deciding if Silvio Berlusconi hates women, or just loves them a bit too much. He certainly spends a lot of money on them, if you know what we mean (we mean he loves prostitutes). But he also spends a lot of time saying things like there will never be enough troops to protect all of the “beautiful girls” of Italy from being raped or telling a 73-year-old female opponent during a debate that she’s “prettier than she is smart.” Nice!

53. Sally Kern

sally kern

We promise, a Democrat will make this list eventually. But for right now, the Republicans have the sexist remark game on lock down. Take Oklahoma Republican Sally Kern, for example. She has some interesting opinions on why women earn less money than their male counterparts:

“I’m not saying women don’t work hard. Women like…to have a moderate work life with plenty of time for spouse and children and other things like that. … They work very hard, but sometimes they aren’t willing to commit their whole life to their job like a lot of men do.”

But Kern is certainly a shining example of the fact that, when women do commit to their jobs like men do, they’re just as capable of being total dickheads about it.

52. Martin Luther

martin luther

The 1500′s were a slightly different time than the world as we know it now. So when Martin Luther said “Women should remain at home, sit still, and bear children,” everyone within earshot likely just nodded in approval. But people back then also died from polio, that doesn’t mean we should still do it.

51. Don Imus

don imus

You know why Howard Stern gets away with saying whatever raucous shit he wants while Don Imus was burned at the stake for calling a women’s basketball team “nappy headed hoes?” Because Howard Stern doesn’t look like he means it. Imus, on the other hand, looks like the Crypt Keeper during the intro to a very special Branch Davidian-themed episode of Tales From the Crypt. We assume everything this off-putting bastard says is tinged with a little bit of evil.

50. UB40

ub40

“Afterward she thinks she’s staying the night. I politely ask her to leave…I give her five minutes and then throw her clothes just outside the door. She opens the door and leans to pick them up. I kick her out and phone security.”

That quote is attributed to a member of the horrific British band UB40, speaking on his technique for getting rid of groupies. We’re not sure which one said it, and we aren’t researching it, because we wish to continue living in a fantasy world in which shitty bands like UB40 don’t have groupies.

49. Ross Perot

ross perot

When addressing the issue of female reporters who ask tough questions, Ross Perot concluded that “They are trying to prove their manhood.”

How did this guy not get elected?

48. Mark Haines

mark haines

CNBC anchor Mark Haines is not one for sentimentality. When a ridiculously blown call cost Detroit Tigers pitcher Armando Galarraga a perfect game, Haines’ co-host Erin Burnett mentioned that the umpire and Galarraga’s graciousness after the disaster made for a more memorable moment than a perfect game ever could have.

To that, Haines replied “See, this is why women aren’t in charge of sports.”

That’s pretty harsh, no matter how ridiculous her statement may have been (very).

But he’s dead now, so it’s all forgiven we reckon.

47. Vienna Philharmonic

vienna

It’s standard practice for orchestra auditions to take place with a screen set up between the judges and the person auditioning. Why? Because it encourages objectivity in the selection process. The Vienna Philharmonic, however, doesn’t adhere to this tradition. As a result, women and minorities make up just about 2% of the Vienna Philharmonic’s membership.

Just a coincidence? Well, in his 1970 memoirs, one-time artistic director Otto Strasser spoke about a “grotesque situation” that occurred where the best identified candidate for a violin position turned out to be Japanese when they lowered a screen. So there’s that. There’s also the fact that the Vienna Philharmonic added their first full-time female member in 1997. The woman, harpist Anna Lelkes, had been performing as a “non-member” for 20 years. Nothing suspicious about that!

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