Sex in Public for Dummies

sex_in_publicMost people don’t realize that having sex in a public area can be an exciting, exhilarating experience, nor has it ever occurred to anyone to even try to get away with such a feat. Oh wait—it has? People have gotten it on in places where they might get caught? No WAY.

Well, someone should inform Elaine George (a blogger and sex columnist for The Daily Telegraph who we’ll refer to as Captain Obvious from here on out), because she was under the impression that sex in public was a novel idea that needed explaining. In her post Privacy is key to sex in public, which was published on the newspaper’s website earlier today, Captain Obvious divulged that, yes, sex in public can be a lot of fun, however, adventerous lovers should proceed with caution as it is also considered an illegal activity. And after dropping that bombshell on her readers, she goes on to impart more astonishing nuggets of information, such as:

  • Depending on the setting and props, it generally demands adjustment, adaptation and, of course, a different position.
  • Foreplay may have to be expedited depending on the location and setting.
  • Alternatively, some locations, if private and secluded, may enable you to prolong the foreplay and love-making.
  • Sex is fundamentally a sensual activity where we tune into our sensations. Taking sex outside will augment most of our senses: sight, hearing, touch and smell.
  • The wind or cool breeze against our skin can feel wonderful. So, too, can the warmth of the sun. The sound of waves, water lapping or rustling leaves can be very sensuous, and the sight of the moon or other scenery can be enticing.
  • Some parks may become relatively secluded and private once evening falls. But it must be late with no one around. You don’t want to risk being caught and prosecuted.
  • Secluded beaches or rocks can also be mesmerising, but again, ensure that you will not be interrupted by fishermen or others walking along the beach. If unsure, it is always best to have some sort of cover.
  • Some of us may have experienced wild trysts at the office—although hopefully not an affair. Sex with a work colleague can be a definite career-limiting move and even more so if caught in the act.

You know, thank god she wrote this piece because all this time, we thought it was perfectly acceptable to spend a solid 15-20 minutes engaging in oral sex, even when preparing to fornicate on a public bench. Also, we had NO idea that it’s preferable to get down and dirty in a public park after dark, rather than, oh, say 2:30 p.m. when all the kids get out of school. Seriously? Who knew? And having “some sort of cover” in case someone (or some fisherman) does come along—what a brilliant idea! Now that we’re really thinking about it, keeping some clothes or a blanket nearby when screwing on the beach makes total sense. It’s easy to see why this woman is a paid sex columnist. She really knows her shit. We feel totally prepared for our next public sexual romp.

However, we do have one small quibble. Captain Obvious says that “sex with a work colleague can be a definite career-limiting move,” especially when caught in the act. Um, hello? We don’t know who she’s banging over there in The Daily Telegraph newsroom, but everyone knows that sex with the right work colleague is actually the quickest way to get promoted. Duh. Sometimes, even the experts get things wrong.