As Americans continue ripping through the December issue of Playboy looking for Hef’s Golden Tickets (there were 9 left at the time I am writing this), I think about the original golden-ticket-giver, Willy Wonka, and his story about a boy, an everlasting Gobstopper and a bunch of sunburned midgets in overalls. But “Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory” is much more than just a fun movie to watch while sucking down a blunt. Turns out that this trippy tale of taffy is as chock full of life lessons as it is sweet cavity causing sugar.
Here are seven valuable life lessons learned from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.
Some Women are Gold Diggers
Some women like you for you. Other women like you for your AmEx card. Veruca Salt teaches us that from a gold card to a gold watch to a golden goose that lays golden eggs for Easter, some women are just plain greedy. In certain cities (Los Angeles, Las Vegas) Gold Diggers are easier to spot. However, they lurk in every city in the world. Not all women are gold diggers, but this movie teaches us that the ones who are end up in the trash chute (aka New Jersey).
Little People are Fun
Oompa Loompas work hard and play hard (and spray tan hard). They also remind us that good things come in small packages, or at least that’s what at I keep telling myself. From Spud Webb to Wee Man to Danny Devito, it is clear that little people are BIG fun. They win Triple Crowns, make delicious cookies and get to marry Katie Holmes. Let’s face it, if you’re not tall enough to ride the ride, you’re probably more fun than the ride ever would be.
Velvet is the fabric of PIMPS
George Costanza once said “if it were socially acceptable I would drape myself in velvet.” Turns out, velvet ain’t just for couches from the 70’s anymore. From Hugh Hefner’s smoking jacket to Bishop Don Magic Juan’s anything, velvet proves over and over again that first you get the power, then you get the velvet, then you get the women.
Fat Chicks Need Love Too
I am by no means a “chubby chaser,” but I know plenty of guys who are (when drunk). Big Women are a blessing when it comes to tug-o-wars, carnival games and giving oral. They also deserve orgasms as much as the rest of us. From what I hear “athletic” women are freaky in the bedroom…if they every leave the kitchen.
Hard Work Pays Off
Even if your dream doesn’t include opening a Choclate Factory, hard work will help you achieve it. Hef started Playboy working 24 hour days. That nerd who started Facebook gave up sex with drunk coeds. The Situation did more sit-ups than Snooki (obviously). Working hard is sometimes a real pain in the ass, but when it pays off it is always well worth it. Unless it’s not.
Something Won is Better Than Something Earned
Forget everything you just read. Winning shit is just plain better. You see how happy the people on The Price Is Right are? It’s not because they appreciate the comedic stylings of Drew Carey, that’s for damn sure. They’re happy because they just pocketed a dining room set and a trip to Ireland without even breaking a sweat.
Don’t Talk To Strangers
I don’t even like talking to most of the people I know. Some people say that “Strangers are just friends you haven’t met yet.” I say that “strangers are probably jerks!” Slugworth turned out to be “good,” but who cares? He’s as creepy as a big white van full of everlasting Gobstoppers.
And speaking of Golden Tickets, there are still nine Golden Tickets to the Playboy Mansion floating around in the December issue. Go here for all the details on how you can win one!