Seven Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Join a Gym

It’s that time of year again where everywhere you turn, someone or something is telling you why it’s the perfect time to join a gym. DON’T! Sure it’s “good for you,” as opposed to, say, sitting on your bean bag chair eating piles of bacon-wrapped string cheese (e-mail me for the recipe), but most gyms are not all they’re juiced up to be. So, before you fall for this annual scam and bench press your savings account dry, read this…unless you’re on a treadmill right now, sucker.

1. The Contract

In general, a gym contract is like a regular contract…on steroids. And, if you look at them closley, you’ll see another 3-letter word besides “gym” that pops up quite often; “FEE.” Turns out your monthly charge covers everything except… anything. Bring a guest? Fee! Go to the same gym closer to your work? Fee! Use that fancy new equipment upstairs? Fee! Got to use the bathroom? Pee! But it’ll probably cost you!

You get the idea. These contracts have you by the balls so tight, it’s no wonder why we’re already too sore to use the stationary bike. Some gyms advertise “NO CONTRACTS” which is great until your monthly rate jumps higher than that strange Asian guy using the mini tramp in the corner.

2. Naked Dudes

Even if you only use the locker room to take a leak or grab a towel, you are guaranteed to come face to dick with naked guys. From the proud peacock who likes to strut around the tile floor like it’s an ice rink at a nudist colony, to the blatant asshole who blow-dries his junk skunk in front of the mirror, naked guys are everywhere you turn in a gym locker room. I blame this on a combination of global over population and guys with too much dignity or none at all. There really is no excuse for the prolonged dong, as most locker room users have not one, but two sets of clothes and a pile of free towels as far as the eye can see…if only that naked old guy wasn’t standing in the way.

3. This Guy

Every gym has a few of these guys sauntering around, making the rest of us look bad. You do three sets, he does four sets. You go five days a week, he goes six. You lift 150 lbs, he lifts your car. This guy is not just a “gym rat,” he’s a gym. His muscles are bigger, his grunts are louder and he has decided to make the gym his second home…and his first home. And, as if it’s not bad enough that this guy hogs the equipment, his biceps are also hogging the fire escape route. He knows everyone, knows how to use all of the equipment and he doesn’t mind drinking his water out of a gasoline can…which he doesn’t need because he can drag his car to his bouncer job.

4. The Food Sucks

I know that a gym snack bar isn’t going to serve onion rings floating in gravy (e-mail for recipe), however, is it possible to have a few normal items that don’t have to be blended or served in bar form? Most gym food is as disgusting as it is expensive. “You mean, you add a scoop of even grosser shit on top of my gross shit for only $5 more?” Yes, please!

The secret to the gym food is that it is so gross you won’t eat it, and boom, you’re skinny. How about instead of a Soy Milk Tofu bar and a tall spinach shake, you offer up a nice healthy rotisserie chicken and a beer…ok, light beer.

5. Weird Classes

Every gym claims to be “revolutionary,” and they try to live up to this claim by inventing some of the most ridiculous shit I’ve ever seen. What started with Jazzercise classes in the 80’s morphed into Boot Camps and spinning and the strange witchcraft pictured above. I know it’s probably good for me if I hang upside down from a basketball hoop while curling a potted fern plant and breathing deeply, but that doesn’t mean they need to offer that as a class.

These days, you need a translator just to figure out what these gym classes even are: “Breath of Fire 3,” “Feel It Burn,” “Be You”: I don’t know if this is an exercises class schedule or a Cinemax movie marathon (which can sometimes lead to the best exercise anyway).

6. Personal Trainers

As the saying goes, “Those who can, go on ‘The Real World Road Rules Challenge;’ those who can’t, train.” When personal trainers aren’t busy hitting on every girl at the gym, they’re trying to sell you on how, for an extra $75 an hour, they can “improve your form.” How about I pass and improve my cash flow instead? Trainers are usually served up as some sort of gym gateway drug. New members will almost always get a few free sessions (taste), before they are on to harder drugs named Thor and his 25 session Training Package. There are a few good trainers, but unfortunately they are lost in a sea of sweat and wanna-be actors who are just killing time until the “big break.”

7. The Smell

Fill a storage locker with a few hundred people sweating, breathing heavy and drinking vegetable shakes, and what do you expect? Even “high end” gyms smell bad, so you can forget about the bargain gyms. As a general rule of thumb, the less the gym costs, the more it will smell. That’s why free gyms are pretty much homeless storage with a few rusty weights holding the floor together. The real problem here is the group-stink. If hell has air fresheners, they probably come in “Gym Scent”…that, and “Hitler’s Taint.”

If you really want to get in better shape in 2011, take the stairs once in a while and limit your funnel cake intake to every other week, but don’t get suckered into joining a place that is crawling with naked guys, green drinks and stank. My plan for 2011? I’m going to a remote part of Africa. No long contracts, annoying juice-heads or supplement charges; and have you seen these guys?

Secondhand Smoke is a weekly column by Playboy Radio Morning Show host Kevin M. Klein. Follow Kevin on Twitter@TheKevinKlein.