We all have insecurities that plague us on a daily basis. We’re sure witnessing the Adonis perfection of Charlie Sheen winning at every breath was enough to make you start snorting Zoloft, for example. But before you endure the loose stools, hot flashes and the sudden indescribable love for Josh Groban type side effects, take the bottle out of your mouth and look at the free box of medicine right in front of you called the television.
Here are four television shows guaranteed to boost your self-esteem.
If You Think You’re Fat
We all think we’re fat pieces of shit so it’s no surprise that weight loss related items and services is a 40 billion dollar a year industry. Regardless of the fact that only 5 to 10 percent of us actually succeed in our weight loss goal, we will happily hand over our money to the latest weight loss miracle that’ll make your thighs stop drooping from the sides of the toilet when you take a crap. The next time you’re about to eat that next layer of cake and cry about it in the shower, turn on the TV and watch Heavy.
Heavy is a documentary on A&E that follows individuals who are so beyond fat, you have to pause the TV to double check that it’s a person you’re seeing on the screen and not one of those clever seals at Sea World that can do the Macerena. These overweight individuals go on a strict food/work out regimen and psychological interrogation to find out why they’re shoving an infant sized sandwich in their face whenever they have the sads. They eat in an hour what you eat in a week, you have double chins and they have actual adult sized ass cracks on their face. Suddenly, your belly blocking the view of your genitals isn’t as bad as that guy’s belly covering the view of the floor because his belly actually IS on the floor.
If Your House is a Clutter Filled Disaster
Life lays its hot sweaty crack on us every day, zapping us of our energy. As a result, we end up neglecting the simple things like “cleaning” or “throwing shit away.” You get disgusted with yourself because you have two days worth of dinner plates on your bedside dresser and a stack of unopened mail the size of Emmanuel Lewis in your living room. However, as messy as you think you are, you’re but a mere amateur compared to the professional Pig-Pens on Hoarders.
Hoarders is a show that focuses on people who form an attachment to everything they’ve ever breathed on and absolutely refuse to throw anything away. In turn, their house gets jam packed with “precious” things like a broken thermos, used plunger, dog feces and the all the seasons of ALF…on beta.
When the cleaners shovel out the house, the addict has at least one or two Margot Kidder type breakdowns when they have to let go of a cherished item like a Teddy Ruxpin covered in maggots.
Compared to these poor saps, you’re a neat freak!
If Your Inability to Quit Smoking Makes You Feel Like an Outcast
If something makes us feel good, we want more of whatever that something is no matter how unhealthy or destructive. Your addiction of choice can be cigarettes, biting your nails bloody or eating a beefy crunch burrito three times a week (it has flaming hot Fritos in it, we dare you NOT to be addicted.) As big as you think your problem is, after you watch My Strange Addiction, it will seem as insignificant and small as Jon Gosselin’s peen.
Strange Addictions shows troubled individuals who have unusual addictions such as the girl that was addicted to Clorox and ate it like it was the sugary insides of a Pixie Stix, or a girl in her twenties who was addicted to sucking her thumb and sniffing her tattered old blankie. We’re guessing your addiction isn’t nearly as disturbing as the dude who’s addicted to his girlfriend that also happens to be a lifeless doll that doesn’t have any emotions and doesn’t speak. (Although, some might say he’s got the right idea.)
If You Think You’re a Shitty Parent
Do you ever smell something horrific, look down and realize it’s your child and you’ve forgotten to give him a bath for the past three days? Moments like this make you feel like you’re the absolute worst parent in the world. You’re not that bad, we promise. If you don’t believe us, then tune in to a little program called Intervention.
Intervention documents an addict’s daily life and then surprises them with a family intervention. The show also digs into the addict’s past and goes into their life story to show the viewers how the addict went from PTA Mom to a Robitussin swiggin’ alcoholic who’s passed out on her own lawn at 10:00 a.m. Nine times out of ten, the addicts come from families that put the “funk” in dysfunctional.
The show could just as easily be called “Here’s How Not to Parent.” Did you know that if you ridicule your child about their weight they grow up to be an 80 pound adult puking up stuffing in the bathroom during Thanksgiving dinner? And FYI, if daddy is missing, his little girl will grow up and find a daddy somewhere else. Usually at a dimly lit establishment with a lot of poles and daddy substitutes with old dollar bills. And that’s if you’re lucky. They could also end up in the warm, welcoming arms of a pimp with pocketfuls of crack.
Watch the show, clean off the mushrooms growing out of your kid’s neck crease and pat yourself on the back for a job well done, you parent of the year you.
Your television is your friend that’ll boost your ego when you’re feeling down. No matter how incompetent you think you are, the television reminds you that it could be worse. At least you’re not as bad as the dude on Jerry Springer who gets caught in the middle of a catfight between his girlfriend and a girl he cheated on her with… who then accidentally reveals her hidden penis during the scuffle.
Elaine Chaney is a freelance writer. Read more from her at Sanity, Interrupted.