A Guy’s Guide to the Royal Wedding

Hey dudes, how excited are you for the Royal Wedding this week? No need to answer that, we already know the answer is “dude, SO excited!”

What’s that? That’s not your answer at all? You couldn’t possibly care less about the Royal Wedding, you say? Yeah, we understand. We’re not really that into it either. But hey, it’s all you’re going to hear about this week, might as well have a working knowledge of what all the fuss is about. You never know when some Jay Leno wannabe news reporter will stroll up and ask you about it and then make you look like an ass in front of the entire viewing audience because you can’t tell the difference between Prince William, Prince Harry and Prince Rogers Nelson.

Here’s a guy’s guide to the Royal Wedding.

The Happy Couple

• The couple first met in 2001 at Scotland’s University of St. Andrews. He was a prince, she was what England affectionately refers to as a “commoner.” We’re assuming that’s similar to “working class” here in the United States, except with less concern for dental hygiene.
• Middleton first caught Prince William’s eye in the same way any woman looking to nab a royal should, by wearing a see through dress.

Classy!

• The couples’ relationship was the subject of the type of intense media scrutiny in England that usually only accompanies a new Oasis album or a George Michael public masturbation arrest. This eventually led to a brief breakup in 2007.
• Relax, they worked it out. That’s why they’re getting married. Duh.

The Wedding Party

• Prince William’s brother, Prince Harry, will serve as best man at the wedding. He’s friends with rappers, apparently, so that’s kind of awesome.

• Kate Middleton’s younger sister will serve as Maid of Honor. Her name is Pippa. That’s just silly. She has a Wikipedia page. We’re not sure why.

Meet the Parents

• You’ve probably heard of Prince William’s parents, Prince Charles and Princess Diana. They look like this.

• You might remember Princess Diana as the woman who made Elton John’s “Candle In the Wind” a hit again a full 24 years after it was originally released, among other things.
• Kate Middleton probably has parents too.

What to Watch

Planning to catch all the festivities as they unfold live on television? Of course not! But just in case the girlfriend drags your barely conscious carcass out of bed, here’s what you should expect:

• 8:15 – 9:45 am FRT (Fancy Royal Time) – Guests start arriving at Westminster Abbey. Keep in mind, that’s 3:15 am ET. If you’re on the West Coast, you might still be up and likely very drunk. In that case, go ahead and watch, it will make for some excellent people watching. But for the love of God, don’t just stay up to watch it. You’ve got a full day of uninteresting festivities ahead of you. You’ll need some rest.
• 10:25 am – Members of the Royal Family leave Buckingham Palace for Westminster Abbey. Boring. We’d recommend not watching.
• 10:38 am – Prince Charles and The Duchess of Cornwall leave Clarence House for the Abbey. Clarence House — that’s a place, not a person. It’s also not a thing anyone should really be expected to tune in for. Best to stay in bed and sit this part out.
• 11:00 am – The wedding begins! Here’s where you should consider tuning in, unless you have HBO, in which case, hello, Mrs. Henderson Presents is on! It has a 7.1 rating on IMDB, can you really afford not to watch it?
• 12:15 pm – The bride and groom depart Westminster Abbey in a horse and carriage. A HORSE AND CARRIAGE! If it’s anywhere near as awesome as this, we’ll be watching for sure!

• 12:40 am – Guests begin to arrive at Buckingham Palace for the reception. There’s probably an open bar, so try to show up if you can.
• 1:25 pm – The newlyweds, along with various family members, appear on the balcony. Just like magic!
• 1:30 pm – The Royal Air Force flies by before presumably heading off to continue bombing the shit out of Libya.
• 1:31 pm – You agree with whoever forced you to watch this that it was all very beautiful while silently wishing there was a way to reclaim the last several hours of your life to spend doing something productive, like jerking off to anime porn or finally getting that Rush discography downloaded from ThePirateBay.