Seven Annoying Statements You Hear From Every Waiter
With gas prices and other everyday expenses on the rise, eating out is becoming more of a luxury than ever before. Sadly, it’s a luxury that’s increasingly being sullied by the insipid banter diners are subjected to courtesy of their server. This isn’t restricted to corporate restaurants either, where the waitstaff is seemingly required to be as ridiculous as possible. No, not even 5-star establishments and independently owned joints offer immunity from the standard service industry dreck anymore.
Here’s a list of the dialog that should be immediately eliminated from eateries everywhere, before hungry customers toss their collective cookies.
“I’ll be taking care of you.”
It’s fine if a doctor, nurse or masseuse at an Asian spa greets you with this nicety, because you can be pretty sure those people are prepared to deliver on that promise. But a waiter in a restaurant? If anything, the butter-filled, sodium-laden stuff they’ll be serving you will hasten your demise, so unless they’ll be “taking care of” your funeral arrangements, bringing you your food is all they’ll be doing.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
When people ask for a Kleenex, they don’t really give a fuck if you give them a Puffs. They’re asking for a facial tissue, and Kleenex has become the generic term for it. Same with diners who ask for a Coke. What they want is a cola, and 99.9% of them couldn’t care less if they get a Coke, Pepsi, RC or Faygo. One thing’s for sure: 100% of them aren’t interested in which beverage company has secured the soft drink contract at the restaurant where they’re eating, so yes, a fucking Pepsi is okay. Please stop asking.
“Can I get you started with an appetizer?”
The question itself isn’t so bad, but what usually follows certainly is: the entire list of appetizers on the menu rattled off by a server instructed to do so by some number cruncher from the corporate office or a desperate owner who’s trying to boost sales to make up for the fact that he’s drinking his profits away after hours. Nothing turns the hottest Hooters girl into an Ugly Betty quicker than the requisite (and usually nasally) suggestive selling of fried pickles. Best to stick to your strengths:
“How’s everything tasting?”
Another question that wouldn’t be so annoying if it wasn’t invariably asked within seconds after you’ve inserted a forkful of food into your mouth. Can you not see that I’m chewing and would prefer not to speak at the moment? And you can assume everything tastes fine, otherwise I’d be making funny faces, spitting what I just ate into the nearest napkin and generally causing a scene like this jackass:
“Are you still working on that?”
Am I still eating this, you mean? Cars and conquering their anger issues are just two examples of things people work on. Food (the consumption of it, at least) is not on that list. May you take my plate away? Now that’s something I’ll consider. Gordon Ramsay would never stand for such an irritating statement, that’s for sure:
“Did you save room for dessert?”
Hold on, let me get out one of those exploratory cameras surgeons use to detect heart blockages and run it down my esophagus to see if there’s any available space in my stomach for a slice of key lime pie. Would I care for some? Sure. But only if there’s room.
“The top copy’s mine.”
What are you gonna do if I decide to go rogue and take the top copy of the credit card slip and leave you with the bottom copy instead? Chase me down and tackle me in the street? Have me arrested? If I want to be bossed around by someone who’s insufferably possessive and territorial, I’ll eat at home, thank you very much. And it won’t cost as much, either. Most waiters, like this chick, have bigger fish to fry:
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“Seven Annoying Statements You Hear From Every Waiter”
9:09 am on April 28th, 2011
Funny Stuff. Love it TSJ!!!!
9:17 am on April 28th, 2011
Just took a temporary job waiting tables at an upscale restaurant. Will make sure to never say any of this
9:37 am on April 28th, 2011
pepsi doesnt cut it
9:39 am on April 28th, 2011
This is the stupidest piece ive ever read. As a guy who works at a restaurant and has also eaten at countless restaurants, none of this is true. For one thing, people DO care if it’s coke or pepsi. Theres a huge difference, in that one tastes like cola and the other one tastes like shit. Waiters don’t ask that because they like to hear themselves talk, they ask if pepsi’s ok because if you bring someone a pepsi when they ordered a coke they will be pissed. I personally would let it slide, but some people would use that as an excuse to complain to the manager and get at least part of the meal comped.
As for the rest of the sayings listed here, its about the way they make the customers feel, like theyre being pampered or “taken care of”
9:41 am on April 28th, 2011
Personally I didn’t find this piece funny or witty, or even remotely accurate, rather this entire piece is quite annoying as it purported its very topic was. Bad form TSM.
11:21 am on April 28th, 2011
Pepsi is most certainly NOT OK.
Dispatch a squadron to obtain the finest Coca Cola in GLASS BOTTLES from Mexico, where they still use real sugar and not that vile corn syrup that tastes like SITH and gives this Vader some serious Darthabetes!
1:48 pm on April 28th, 2011
People who are that particular about Coke over Pepsi should ask if it’s available before placing their order. Those who don’t give a shit, like me, simply order a Coke.
1:49 pm on April 28th, 2011
Hey Mike, calm down “brah”. This isn’t supposed to be an article in Oprah magazine! What the hell is wrong with you? You’re throwing a fit over Pepsi and Coke? One tastes like “shit”? What were you drinking when the soda tasted like shit?
I’ll give you that, sometimes, the fountain drinks’ quality of flavor can vary from place to place, but really?? Who gives a flying F#ck? If I don’t want a soda, I’d rather drink a beer – the beer I bring with me to that restaurant myself. Nothing stops me from enjoying the drink of my choice! Shit! I’ll pop open a brew in the local theater! F#ck it!
You don’t find this witty or funny?
Personally speaking, I find all of this *satirical* and hilarious because of the juxtaposition of video and commentary in relation to reality. So again, calm down and enjoy the ride, and if you don’t like it, perhaps you can get a job at playboy and make us laugh.
2:13 pm on April 28th, 2011
Quorthon, it would seem that you, good sir, are the problem. Order a COLA if you don’t care what you get.
I ordered a COKE, I sure as Hoth didn’t order a PEPSI.
2:25 pm on April 28th, 2011
@DVA: I tried that once. The waiter’s response: “Is Pepsi okay?”
2:39 pm on April 28th, 2011
This article was clearly written by someone that hasn’t worked a day waiting tables. If some guy is trying to do his job by suggestive selling or asking if your food is prepared correctly offends you, then you should stay at home.
2:40 pm on April 28th, 2011
It’s easier to ask than to give the the customer something to bitch about.
2:58 pm on April 28th, 2011
Whine much? Jesus, this is one of the most pointless articles I’ve ever read. Please do stay at home. No one wants to serve you.
5:52 pm on April 28th, 2011
NO NO NO! Pepsi is not a substitute for Coke, ever!
7:08 pm on April 28th, 2011
I, for one, order a Sierra Mist if I’m ever offered Pepsi instead of Coke. Pepsi tastes like shit. Sierra Mist only tastes bad.
10:02 pm on April 28th, 2011
At least you understood that corporate makes you read off the appetizers. Your simply in the minority on everything else. Poorly researched my friend.
12:37 am on April 29th, 2011
i work as a server in a restaurant. i doubt you would last one day, people are insane. the reason why we ask these things is because people are again insane. by this article your further proving my point that people are again insane.
5:38 am on April 29th, 2011
So yeah, you’re a pretty shitty writer. I wonder who hired you. First off, I hate pepsi and would get anything else besides it. Secondly, some of those annoying statements are a communication tool, which you evidently don’t use in your pathetic life. The reason they take the top copy is because the receipt on bottom isn’t accepted by credit card companies. Author please die in a fire.
8:12 am on April 29th, 2011
One thing I hate is that servers that ask you if you have been here before. WHO CARES if we have or not and if we have, it’s ANNOYING and a TIME WASTER. People are hungry and thirsty, so be considerate and act like it’s YOU when YOU are hungry and/or thirsty.
I also hate when servers make comments about what you are ordering or how much you are ordering. Just take our orders. Don’t make comments. I had one server tell me “Are you taste testing” just because I switched margaritas. I find that to be mean and rude to say to someone. Also, it took more time for her to do that than to just do her job which is to SERVE. The more time the server jokes around, the more time you wait for your stuff you asked for and the more time the server isn’t at other tables that need things too. I had 2 servers tell me “You know it’s not a big salad” when I ordered a bunch of ranch with a side salad. I mean, it’s not your business how much I want and what I want it for. I wish servers would mind their own business. It’s not their place to know WHY we are ordering something.
As far as the pepsi/coke issue, I like when the server tells me, because when they don’t and I send them back to get a dr. pepper or tea, then I’m pissed off that they weren’t CONSIDERATE enough to TELL ME when I placed my order so they can just serve me what *THEY* wanted to serve me. I hate when servers don’t tell me they don’t have coke. I have sent back pepsi, because pepsi sucks in my opinion. I would rather have any other drink that that, even water.
8:14 am on April 29th, 2011
Wow… you really haven’t served or had friends who are servers ever in your life have you? It’s way easier to ask than to listen to senseless idiots bitch about trivial things while you’re serving them. The only thing I agree with is asking about appetizers, and YES! Your server is the one taking care of you, just remember who’s handling your food before you become an outright irritated asshole.
8:24 am on April 29th, 2011
lol, who can afford appetizers? they are as much as the main course now days.
http://www.web-privacy.eu.tc
9:37 am on April 29th, 2011
You need to get laid more and eat out less
12:20 pm on April 29th, 2011
You are wrong about the Pepsi bit. Maybe it’s one of those things depending on the region. But here in Florida, people actually care if it’s Coca-Cola or Pepsi. That is the reason we ask if it’s okay since Pepsi is the only brand we sell when I worked in this profession. When we ask for Coca-Cola and we ask them if Pepsi is okay, they usually switch the drink to something entirely different, usually tea. As you can tell, tea is not a cola. People do care in Florida. Maybe not where you’re from. Like I said, it could be a regional thing.
12:41 pm on April 29th, 2011
As a server myself, there’s a few things we HAVE to ask. We HAVE to go to the table with in 2 seconds or 2 bites. We HAVE to offer desserts or appetizers to up sell and make the place more money. We HAVE to give the top copy to our boss, and if we don’t have it, we don’t get the tip that may have been left on the slip. And we HAVE to pre bus our tables, and some people look like they’re done when they’re not. As for the Pepsi/Coke thing, some people are very particular about their pop, almost as much so as their liquor or beer. The phrases may be annoying to you, but that’s just what we do to make sure we give the best service possible.
7:04 pm on April 29th, 2011
territorial spouses make me lose my appetite!
1:55 am on May 1st, 2011
I work as a waiter, there are 2 kinds of customers, normal and crazy,
#1 if i don’t ask after the customer tried the food if everything ok, i give a reason for crazy a$$holes to eat the half of the meal and then say they did not like it
#2 for ignorant people like you with a dead palate coke or pepsi does not matter but some people prefer one or the other, there is nothing wrong with asking
#3 The sales matter because this is how we make our living, as customer nobody forces you to buy
#4 If i want to clean up your dirty and nasty plate, where half of the food is on the table,floor and your face I AM DOING YOU A FAVOR.
And finally waiters are not slaves, we have regular customers that like to talk to us. I will quite soon, cause i got a job realstate company, but i promise to add some serious diarrhea drugs in the drink of my most annoying customers. when i say i will take care of you i mean i will not shit in your food and not deep my whilly in your drink. peace out
9:04 am on May 1st, 2011
@Blue Right on Brother.. u just shut this place down.. things are as they are meant to be… all is well in the world!
11:49 pm on September 13th, 2011
You clearly have never actually worked as a waiter. Fuck people like you. If you didn’t criticize every word that came out of your server’s mouth like your life depended on it, maybe you’d be having better dining experiences. Your waiter couldn’t give less of a crap what you think of them, but you might have a better time out if you just eased up and ate your damn food.
3:25 pm on December 21st, 2011
You’re completely incompetent for writing this. You are the kind of person to bitch about being annoyed but if you were unattended to then you would bitch about that.
Remember you are eating out because you are to lazy to make it your self, and you can easily stay at home and cook yourself.
Yes, some of the phases may seems repetitive but if they are not said, lazy assholes like you will find something else to bitch about.
Grow up and write about something that matters.
3:13 am on February 4th, 2012
I hope someone spits in your food.