Relationships: The MTV Friendzone Way

The friendzone is an awful, awful place to be in. However, we here managed to grow out of it, as 7th grade platonic hand holding and passive love letters were simply not getting the job done. The friendzone is the equivalent of being at the party but not drinking. You’re happy that you’re at the party, but it’s no fun at all, and you still get to hear her cry about everyone who was drinking.

MTV’s Friendzone explores this in ways that make us realize that we could watch people get emotionally ruined for hours. The idea behind the show is that there are two friends. One has a lingering crush on the other and wants to finally do something about it. The other is a normal, functioning human and unaware. The crushing friend sets up the other friend to be a wingman on the “date” they have planned with an anonymous, fake third party. Then, at the time of the date: SURPRISE! It was for you the whole time, unwitting accomplice. What follows is either a happy first date or mind-numbingly awkward rejection.

We know that this is not the way to go about having a first date, much less a relationship. But, if it was, this is what it would teach us.

Let Your Feelings Stay Secret For Far Too Long

There’s nothing more passionate then bottled, annoying emotions. That’s why you need to build as much frustration with your current situation as possible. Enough frustration that you hire a major network to document a trick that you’re playing on your current best friend. Nothing says “I’ve loved you for four years” like an awkward reveal and a camera crew. Make sure that, if it’s going to hurt when you’re inevitably let down, that it will hurt as much as possible. Don’t tell them how you feel at opportune, normal times. Wait far too long. That way any chance you might have had for a, say, healthy natural start to a relationship has been squashed.

Contact A TV Show

If it works for porn, it must work for simple dating, right? Nothing makes stuff better than if there’s a production assistant and a director and a set designer and an audio guy following you around. Make everything as unnatural for your potential partner as possible. That way, when the girl turns to walk away because she just can’t take it, she might bump into a thousand dollar focus lens or slip over a boom microphone cable. Put the pressure on them. It’s like proposing in elaborate ways in public as it’s much harder to deny a ring if there’s horses and fireworks and a crowd of people wielding iPhones.

Ignore Possible Problems

But she’s your best friend? And if you’re rejected this might ruin one of the few good things you have in your shitty life? Nonsense. Go in, guns blazing and massacre it. If you think about bigger issues, you won’t have time to focus on what you’re going to wear when you manipulate the shit out of this person. If they’ve told you that they like you as “just a friend” before, they’re probably lying. You have an incredible chance here to create the greatest heartbreak of your whole life. Don’t let petty things like potential good times and unconditional support stand in your way.

Be As Uncomfortable As Possible (It Keeps Them On Their Toes)

They’re asking sincere questions about your life? Be as vague as possible. Nothing says “I love you” like cryptic answers and bizarre, pre-date meltdowns. Don’t be forward with them. Make them guess how many minutes exactly that it will be before your eventual anxiety attack. Make them honestly worry about your mental state before your date. Get them too involved in the process of it. Let them pick out your clothes. Make references to your “future” with them. If this friendship/contact is going to end, it might as well go off with a huge, uncomfortably immature bang.

Make Them Feel Terrible If They Decline

They don’t like you? How is that possible? You’ve been hiding everything from them for seven years, squandering all possibilities of romance and they just don’t feel like you should be dating them? Let them know exactly how awful they are and how they should at least understand what it feels like to be an emotionally stunted young adult. Tell them how crushed you are, and make they’re drive home as terrible for them as it will be for you. If you feel like your life is over when they say “no,” tell them that and do it in ways that end in “noose” or “house fire.” If they’re dumb enough to not get that you HAD to trick them in order to ask them out, then they should be prepared for a hellish eternity.

Never Move On

Maybe they did say “yes,” and you dated for two months and then decided to stay friends. Don’t get past it. They were the one. The only one ever. You won’t meet anyone else but them. And even if you feel like you can move past it, never let yourself get over the hurt. Your life needs to be completely shattered by this, regardless of their decision. The relationship you’re in at 18 is the most important thing that will ever happen to anyone in the world, and you need to know that so that you can continue with drunk, misspelled texts and crying sessions in the shower.

Cry Often

Not just in the privacy of your own home, but everywhere. Do it on television. The first episode of this show ends with Connor, a massive, muscle bound adult saying that he needs to “walk around the block” while sobbing. There’s nothing more manly then tear stains on your douchey t-shirt. It doesn’t matter how manly you are or how respectable and strong you want to feel. You just got denied happiness. Cry an unhealthy amount. Your partner will be ashamed, you’ll be sniffling snot and MTV will love it.

Daniel Dockery loves bad dating advice, worse cartoons and Twitter. You can tweet him at http://twitter.com/dandock and read his things at http://danielsfunny.com

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