Five Reasons Why Rebecca Black is Probably the Antichrist

rebecca blackWe’ve been told that the Antichrist was going to be a bold leader that will come on to the scene and awe everybody with his speech skills and debonair horns. The person was to be the very embodiment of Satan. In other words, the Antichrist was going to be as noticeable to everyone as festering lip herpes. Rebecca Black doesn’t even begin to resemble that description but we think she fits the almighty Demon bill anyway.

Here are five reasons why, when it comes to finding the perfect Antichrist, all pronged Satan forks point to Rebecca Black.

Her Appearance

appearance“And thus behold, the tweenieth Antichrist with heavy bangs hath risen very fastly from the bowels of YouTube to wreak havoc upon man’s senses.” 1 Corinthians 16:13 (We swear that’s in there.)

The description for the Antichrist is written in the Bible, so it’s not exactly a secret. Satan may be the scourge of the spiritual community but we’re betting he’s not stupid. He can read. He knows what we’re on the lookout for and after eons of knowing this; don’t you think he’s smart enough to change up his game?

While we’re all prepared to point our crucifix cannons at the next smooth talking politician or Gary Busey’s compact car sized teeth, we’ve all failed to see that the image of the almighty Antichrist, the one that’s suppose to rise tall above the horizon wielding his machete of evil is nothing but a distraction! Something for us to look at just long enough so that Satan could sneak in a very different sort of Antichrist behind our backs. A fresh faced one with dimples and empty facial expressions, armed with a disturbingly addictive earworm of a song.

Her Name

nameRebecca means “to tie” or “to bind;” clearly a subtle warning that our fragile souls will soon be held captive by her monotone preaching about the days of the week.

Her last name is pretty obvious. BLACK – the devil’s color palate of choice, representing death, gloom, sadness and darkness. Her last name is Satan’s signature stamp on his messenger of doom.

Rebecca + Black = TO TIE US TO THE DARKNESS!!

If it was any clearer that she’s Satan’s right hand man, she’d be shitting hellfire and brimstone.

The Video

videoWho’s partyin’ partyin’ and having fun! fun! fun!, while disregarding school, sitting irresponsibly on top of convertible cars driven by 13-year-olds with no licenses or seat belts, pondering their car seat assignments and celebrating the weekend with some down on his luck, 40-year-old rapper in the middle of the forest??!

SATANISTS that’s who!

The Lyrics

lyricsThe lyrics are short bus simple. You could rap a Dick & Jane book accompanied by a kazoo and get more meaning out of it than this song.

But her simple lyrics are as deceiving as her simple looks.

First, she encourages reckless rebellion by NOT waiting for the bus to go school. She instead sings about jumping into an already crowded vehicle and taking off into Satan knows where.

Second, Rebecca explains to us that “tomorrow is Saturday and Sunday comes after….wards.” A complete and clear dismissal of church day! And we don’t know what’s up with the syllable splitting “after…wards” but we’re convinced it’s secret Satan talk.

Finally, if you listen to the song, there’s also a lot of situations where she mentions the action of going down. Gotta be fresh, gotta go DOWNstairs, gotta get DOWN on Friday, gettin’ DOWN on Friday. Why the repetitive message of going down? What’s with her obsession with going down south???

Maybe because that’s the direction you take when you’re taking the elevator to HELL!

Her Voice

voiceIf Rosie the Robot from the Jetsons and Mickey Mouse had a drunken fling on the Haunted Mansion ride, their robot vermin spawn would sound like Rebecca Black’s heavily auto-tuned singing voice. One of the most evil acts ever committed was introducing auto-tune to the art of music. It was basically like introducing a hungry lion to a lamb wearing a steak necklace. Auto-tune devoured the need to have actual talent to sing a song, creating abominations like T-Pain, Ke$ha and now, Rebecca Black. So it only makes sense that auto-tune takes a big part in the Devil’s song. It makes Rebecca’s drone about Friday sound unnatural, cold and unsettling – kind of like what one would feel if one were in the presence of the Devil.

The unexpected and awful rise of Rebecca Black and her song “Friday” doesn’t seem out of the norm at first glance. She made a video that’s received significant amounts of attention on YouTube, (with a dislike bar growing every minute like a wrinkly pork sword on Viagra) not unlike the talented lady that we now all know as Justin Bieber. She didn’t do anything different except maybe show up to the game with completely no talent and rich, delusional parents who thought they were investing good money on their one way ticket to an early retirement.

But look closer. Underneath this fifteen minute famer’s blank faced façade lays the sinister face of the Antichrist! We’re so on to you Satan!

Written by Elaine Chaney who’s had the “Friday” song looping around her head since she started writing this article and is now pondering on how to give herself a lobotomy with a fork just to make it stop. Read more from her at Sanity, Interrupted.