Rappers sure are an imposing bunch, what with all the talk about guns and violence and drugs and such. But no matter how hard a person may act, deep down, we all have a softer side. That’s true for rappers just like it is for anyone else.
If you don’t believe that, then how do you explain these five less than manly things that rappers seem to love so much?
We had a tough time justifying Coldplay’s inclusion on this list. Don’t get us wrong, it’s not because they aren’t a total chick band, we just couldn’t decide if rappers liked them more or less than John Mayer. His music is pretty damn womanly too, and the rappers certainly adore him, but in the end Coldplay gets the nod.
The decision came down to the fact that John Mayer’s infamous interview with a certain magazine probably cost him some fans in the rap community and, truth be told, the guy can shred on the fucking guitar. That’s pretty badass.
So Coldplay takes the crown. Not only was the band’s front man Chris Martin featured on albums by Jay-Z and Kanye West, but he’s such good friends with Jay-Z that his kids apparently call the insanely wealthy rapper “Uncle Jay.” Endorsements don’t get much more ringing than that, folks.
Honorable Mention: John Mayer, Fallout Boy, Justin Bieber, Elton John
Look, we’re stationed in the Midwest, so we appreciate the shelter from inclement weather that a luxurious fur coat provides. But few things on Earth say “woman of elegance” like a jacket made of plush mink pelt. If you’re a dude and you’re wearing a fur coat, you damn sure better be a pimp. And if there’s one thing more rare than a rapper who’s really as rich as he claims to be, it’s a rapper who’s also an actual pimp.
Even if wearing a fur coat wasn’t a total chick move, we’d still be against it on moral grounds. We’re vehemently opposed to any slaughtering of God’s precious creatures that doesn’t result in a tasty meal or a fresh pair of Nikes.
Honorable Mention: Expensive jewelry, designer sunglasses
Yes, internet comedy fact checking police, we are fully aware that Trey Songz isn’t a rapper. But there are two rappers featured on the ridiculous song referenced in the above picture, and even if that wasn’t the case, rappers’ love of using “LOL” doesn’t begin or end there. For example…
We know, there are plenty of people reading this who probably think there’s nothing womanly at all about using “LOL” during an internet conversation. But understand, 68% of those people are, in fact, women. The other 32% are just incorrect. “LOL” is womanly as fuck.
Honorable Mention: TMI, LMAO, ROTFL
Much like we can somewhat sympathize with the need for a luxurious fur coat in the face of harsh winter weather, we can also get behind filling your closet with the high-end shit if your budget allows for it. After all, you get what you pay for. That spendy designer label suit is going to look a hell of a lot nicer than a $99 Men’s Wearhouse number.
But come on, there’s no reason why wearing expensive clothes and peppering your rhymes with constant references to Christian Dior must go hand in hand. Obsessing over fashion designers is some shit that’s best left to the Kardashians of the world.
That said, we at least haven’t heard any stories of famous rappers getting in an argument with and eventually punched in the face by Tommy Hilfiger. That’s more than we can say for you, Axl Rose.
Honorable Mention: Parties in the Hamptons
Nuvo Sparkling Vodka
This one borders on being an epidemic in the rap community. Rappers have a long and storied history of throwing down on some of the girliest drinks imaginable. Alizé used to be the go to fruity booze of choice back when Tupac was taking pictures like this…
…and it’s only gotten worse since then. For awhile, vodka and cranberry reigned supreme. But these days, when shit absolutely must get crunk, nothing gets the job done like Nuvo Sparkling Vodka. If you’re not familiar with this particular concoction, it’s probably because you either aren’t a rapper or don’t have a vagina.
For the life of us, we couldn’t even tell you what this shit tastes like, we just know it’s pink and the bottle looks a lot like a sex toy. Something else we know, rappers love some goddamn Nuvo. How much do they love it? Approximately this much…
How do you not realize that looks like a gigantic pink cock around your neck, T-Pain?
Honorable Mention: Alizé, Vodka and Cranberry, Menthol Cigarettes