Hooters is an inimitable establishment that provides valuable services to hungry people around the globe who are looking for positive visual stimulation while they eat and drink. It’s a noble goal, to be sure. So you might wonder what occasion could possibly suffer from the addition of tasty food and even tastier women.
The thing is, sometimes it’s hard to use logic when there are exceptional breasts in your line of sight. Lest you end up in an awkward situation, channel the wisdom of the owl in the logo and try to avoid the popular restaurant chain when going there could end in disaster.
1. When You’re On a First Date
We get it: it’s extremely difficult trying to come up with first date ideas that strike the perfect balance between predictably boring and so crazy out-there that your date ends up filing a restraining order. It’s therefore understandable if you try to invent excuses as to why going to Hooters makes a good choice for a date activity. It’s something quirky to do, you’ll say to yourself. This way, you’ll find out if your date easily gets jealous of other attractive women. And if the date doesn’t go well, at least you still get to look at boobs.
We admit, going to Hooters will definitely make you look quirky, but not in a way that will get you laid. The problem is that we pretty much guarantee that you will not sleep with your date if you take her to Hooters, and that you will not sleep with any of the waitresses either. (If you can get Hooters girls, you definitely don’t need to be coming to us for dating advice.) Pretty much any woman is going to be turned off by a guy who thinks it’s a good idea to take a first date to a restaurant that’s pretty much just a step above a strip club. Unless, of course, she is the one who suggests it. In which case, you should send her to us so that we can check her out for you to make sure she isn’t defective.
2. When You’re With a Female Relative
You might have already figured out on your own that this one is a bad idea. After all, the only thing worse than getting a boner while going on a first date (that isn’t inspired by the girl you’re with) is getting a boner in front of your mom. Not to mention the fact that even if you manage to stay non-erect, your mom will still feel awkward when she notices you eyeing the ladies, in which case she’s bound to say or do silly things in front of the servers to relieve these feelings, as mothers always do. “Remember how you wet the bed until you were seven?” she’ll say with an innocent smile, or worse, “When you were a baby, I had to fight to get you off my chest when you were done feeding. I see things haven’t changed!”
Even if she manages to keep her thoughts to herself, at some point a realization is going to strike you out of the blue — your mom, your sisters, your aunts and your grandmothers all have boobs. It’s an idea that can’t be unthought. Once you’ve got boobs on the brain, you’re going to have a hard time not noticing that fact.
3. When You’re Feeding Grade Schoolers
Seems pretty obvious, right? Well, it wasn’t obvious enough for chaperones who decided to take a bunch of eighth graders to a Hooters restaurant after a class trip.
Look, we know there have been a lot of budget cuts lately, and sex ed is often one of the first things to be slashed from the curriculum. It’s gotten so bad that administrators often don’t even have the time or the resources to cover their bases by telling the kids that “God hates sex.” Still, that doesn’t mean that you should take the students to Hooters as a substitute. A few low-cut shirts will never provide the same education as having awkward conversations fueled by rampant misinformation where students ask questions such as “why is a girl’s penis inside her body instead of outside?” and “how can I stop from getting pregnant when the mail comes like Mommy did when Daddy was away?”
4. When You’re Low On Cash
You might be surprised to find out that frequenters of Hooters are surprisingly careful about the amount of money they leave as a tip. Apparently it’s bad taste to not tip well at this fine dining establishment, just like it’s bad taste to go to a strip club and ask if you can pay for your lap dance in quarters (unless it’s a really, really seedy joint).
It’s common knowledge amongst people who aren’t assholes that you shouldn’t be eating at restaurants if you don’t have enough money to add a generous tip on top of whatever you’re paying for food and drinks; that goes double when your waitress is sharing a good view of her assets with you. And if you thought that regular waitresses got angry when they get stiffed (in the entirely non-fun way) then you should see what happens with women who have been poked, prodded and ogled to the breaking point.
5. When You’re Just Getting Over a Bad Break-Up
What better way to get over a bad break-up than with beer and boobs? If you have to ask this question, you’ve clearly never seen a grown man crying into his drink, regaling the staff with tales of how good his girl was to him, and later getting tossed out on the sidewalk because he mistook the nature of the venue and tried to put his tip down someone’s pants.
You already have to use some major willpower when entering Hooters to overcome the base urges of the ancient, reptilian part of your brain; don’t make it harder on yourself by being in an emotionally vulnerable position when you do so. After all, you want to continue enjoying the company of women who wouldn’t give you the time of day otherwise just because you’re in a position of wealth and power. And really, that’s what being a man is all about.